


Give Your Best

by lowermiddlechild



Series: High School AU [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eventual Smut, High School AU, M/M, Marching Band, Senior year, Slow Build, Sports, Underage Drinking, band kids, eren's pov, ereri, football au, modern day AU, you don't really have to know that much about football
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:23:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 77,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3873805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowermiddlechild/pseuds/lowermiddlechild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I sighed and jogged my sorry ass back to the locker room. That’s what I get for rushing. Karma strikes again. I pushed the door open and turned the corner and froze. Reiner was in the locker room. Missing some clothes, sporting a serious boner, and making out with another guy. Well shit. </p><p>aka that one football au where Eren is the quarterback of the high school football team and Levi is in the marching band</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> warning for homophobic slurs and people :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.  
> -Vince Lombardi

“I swear to God Eren, if you don’t get up and turn off that alarm I’ll break your phone in half.” 

“Suck a dick, Mikasa.” I didn’t even have to raise my voice. This house has walls like paper; Mikasa could hear my alarm from across the goddamn hall. 

5am. 5 fucking am. Tell me why I let Reiner convince me to join the football team all those years ago? Who the hell gets up this early voluntarily? Mmm voluntarily, good word, Eren. SAT shit right there. 

“Eren, shut your fucking alarm off.” Oh, right. 5am on a Monday morning. East Trost better appreciate me. Summer workouts sucked because it’s hot and you just want to be sitting by the pool but now that school is back in session you’d think we’d get some kind of a break instead we get slapped with 5am workouts. Lifts Monday and Wednesday. Team runs Tuesday and Thursday. 

I rolled my ass out of bed, threw on some shorts over my boxers, and considered deodorant. Pro: smell like a manly god. Con: it was all the way across the room. Mikasa ended up deciding for me. I watched her come into my room, turn off my alarm and throw my phone and the deodorant stick at me before stomping out. That chick knows me way too well. I fumbled the catch and almost dropped both my phone and the deodorant. Top tier football material, that’s me. 

The positives of having a bathroom attached to my room are obvious but having it all to myself also means that nobody cleans it so it may or may not be a complete and utter disaster zone. Oh well. Morning routine: Stand in front of the mirror. Toothbrush. Tooth paste. Flex. Pee. Shake off. Rinse. Run my fingers through my brown hair. It’s starting to cover my ears. Ugh, I need a haircut. Whatever. Looks good enough, let’s go. 

I thundered down the stairs because sometimes I’m a dick and was out the front door before Mikasa could get back up and kick my ass. I was in the driver’s side of the Explorer and gone in five minutes flat. The drive to East is only like 5 or 6 minutes but I plugged in my phone anyway. I’m missing two extra hours of sleep. I need something to get me through this. Pumped up for 5am workouts. Dry the River? What? No. Drake? Not this song. 2Pac? Not today. Kendrick? “Rigamortus.” Amen. 

I pulled into East’s parking lot and just like during summer workouts, it weirded me out to see it so empty. Normally people are fighting for a spot. I parked behind the gym right next to Jean’s Wrangler and jogged over to the group of guys outside of the locker room. Coach stood on top of the half wall, looking down at the poor saps that wanted to be cool and join the football team. All of the little JV freshman and sophomore losers stood at the front. Guess they got here early. The Varsity sophomores and juniors were right behind them. Excited probably. The guys in the back were all seniors. Reiner saw me coming and basically shoved some freshman out of his way so he could come over and put me in a headlock. Wow. So manly. 

Reiner had a pretty good grip on my head as he shook me around, “Where’s your momma? I was hopin’ the #1 milf would make an appearance!” The guys all laughed because that’s the kind of guy that Reiner is. Big, beefy, blond dude. But the guy’s hilarious. Giant personality. Everybody likes Reiner. Hell, he had me in a headlock while talking about my mom and I still liked Reiner. 

I finally pushed my head out of his freaking death grip and punched his arm. “Shut the fuck up, Reiner. And lay off the head. It’s precious cargo.” More laughs because apparently I’m also that kind of guy. Well damn. Reiner just grinned at me and slapped that beefy ass arm around my shoulders and steered me over to our group of seniors. Jean, Horse face, my best friend and the team’s half back. Connie, the elf, is the kicker. And of course, Reiner himself, middle linebacker. The four best football friends you’ll ever have. Even if we did have to steal Connie from Varsity soccer. Honestly that’s all I got. I know the rest of the seniors’ names but there’s a pretty solid chance that I’ll never talk to them outside of practice so they’re not really important, ya feel? Like, I should be better friends with more of the senior class but honestly it’s not like I’ll see them after graduation anyway. Senior year, who really even gives a shit at this point? 

We always start off with a short warm up run and stretches. Gotta stay loose and all. Flexible. Then they split us up into Offensive, Defensive, and Special Teams and have us do lift workouts. Offensive Coach, Shadis, had been in cahoots with Coach, I can always tell, and I wasn’t all that surprised when he came over to me and doled out the most detailed and obnoxious workout possible, “Specially made just for you.” Fuck this. Fuck Football. Fuck East. I’m definitely adding “joining the football team” to my time machine list. 

Time machine list: It’s like, the list of things you would change if you had a time machine and didn’t have to worry about fucking up the future too badly. Mine’s actually pretty short compared to Armin’s. Blondie’s got some regrets. 

Armin is an old family friend. He’s a few years younger than Mikasa and I so he’s only a sophomore but good Lord that kid has a brain. I always feel kind of like an idiot next to him but it’s worth it. He’s the best biology tutor I’ve ever had. And he really is a good kid. Ever since we were little he’s always been trying to keep Mikasa and I out of trouble. Okay well mostly me. One time when I was eight I really wanted to climb the tree in our backyard but my mom thought that the branches weren’t strong enough to hold me. I would have climbed it anyway but Armin convinced me to that he could rig some ropes to test the strength of the branches. He built this really complicated pulley system to test how much weight the branches could hold and it turned out that he was right. The second one we tried snapped right in half. Man, I wish I saw him more often but because he’s in sophomore classes the only time I really get to see him is when I pick him up in the mornings to go to school. 

Anyway, after workouts I had just enough time to speed home and shower before I had to head out and swing by Armin’s place. Mikasa was already in the passenger side of the Explorer, fiddling with the AUX cord when I pulled myself into the car. Turned the key and Gambino poured out of the speakers. Nice. 

I had the volume at 11 when we pulled into Armin’s driveway and watched the poor kid bounce out of his house, book bag bigger than he is. The little guy always gets so excited for the first day of the new school year. Probably has all of his books for the entire year already stashed away in that giant ass backpack. Mikasa gave Armin a half smile when he got into the car and I turned to give him a small wave. Armin just flashed us a grin and buckled up. 

The parking lot of East Trost High is always a fucking zoo. And on the first week of school it’s ten times worse than usual. Add in the fact that I generally pull in like, 10 minutes before the late bell rings and you can pretty much assume that there are never going to be any parking spots left. The Explorer is my saving grace. There are these big ass medians that used to have grass and stuff on them but now they’re just dirt surrounded by concrete. A good four wheel drive will get you up on top of them. You’ll see the Explorer, Reiner’s Yukon, and Jean’s Wrangler parked on them every single day of the school year. 

Day 1 of school is always an A-day, always Syllabus day part 1. Maria County splits up the weeks into A-days and B-days. Four classes each day. 1 hour and 15 minute classes. 30 minute lunch. So basically days 1 and 2 are for fucking around, seeing who you’re friends with in each period, sleeping through class, and just generally being an idiot. I was hardcore laggin after my hell filled morning so to make up for the sleep I missed because of my morning workout, I slept through first period. Who needs US History anyway? Pick a seat in the back. Nap. Not like I’m friends with anyone in there anyway. Clock the fuck out. 

Chemistry is a different matter entirely. Brzenska is a massive bitch. No chance for a nap in her class. 

“Welcome to chemistry 101. I’ll be your teacher, Mrs. Brzenska. I’ll be partnering each of you up with another student and these will be your lab partners for the entire year.” 

It was only the first day and already my mind was just somewhere else. Probably tired. Mostly because dude, _chemistry_. I was so out of it that thoughts were going through my mind without any real direction or contemplation. SAT word #2, hallelujah. Send me to college. I can’t believe it’s only Monday. I don’t know if I’m even going to survive today. Or this fucking week. First game of the season is on Friday. Pressure. How do normal people get through days like today? Look at the weather. It’s beautiful and I’m stuck in a classroom. You know what would be really nice? A pina colada and a lawn chair. What’s in a pina colada? I think it’s rum. And maybe pineapple? Coconut? I think I’d be an awful bartender. I’d forget how to make all of the drinks. But I could make bank in tips. Just gotta to flirt the customers, I could do that. Wink a lot. Smile. People tell me I have a nice smile. Wonder if Krista would give me a chance this year. For real though I’m pretty suave, right? Oh shit did Brzenska just call my name? 

I snapped out of my head and stared blankly at her. She stared back for a minute before fixing her glasses and clearing her throat. “Is there a problem, Mr. Jaeger.” I could tell it was meant to be a question but the way she said it made it seem more like a statement. Also: I hate teachers that call you Mr. whatever. Like I know you’re mocking me. Fuck off. 

“No? I uh, didn’t hear you?” 

“I hope this isn’t a preview of the rest of the year, Mr. Jaeger. I said, you’ll be partners with Mr. Ackerman. Do you know who that is. Levi, move to Eren’s table.” 

Do I know who Levi Ackerman is? Of course I know who Levi fucking Ackerman is! Everyone knows who he is. In 8th grade he was the first kid in our year to start smoking cigarettes. Sophomore year he punched Nile Dok, straight up KO’d him, because Nile called him a midget. Last year his attendance was so spotty that we started betting money on whether or not he’d show up to school but every time the pot was weighed too far in favor of one side or the other, he’d do the opposite. Levi might be the most infamous guy at East Trost. Having a guy like him around really makes me think. Not really about him. More about me. I’m vain like that. Like what if I was like him? What if I was mysterious? Or like punk or goth or whatever. I don’t think I could pull it off. Levi has it mastered. 

Speaking of, the man, the myth, the legend, was currently glaring at me, standing in front of our lab table. “ Planning on moving your shit any time soon?” Jesus fucking Christ. Guy’s like what, 17? His voice is hella deep. Holy shit. Please keep talking. Ramble. Talk about football. Chat about the weather. Read a fucking phone book aloud. I kept getting distracted by his deep ass, ass deep, sorry, _sorry_ , voice and I couldn’t seem to really pay attention to what he was actually saying. After I failed to “move my shit,” his eyes narrowed a bit and Levi shoved all of my stuff off of the table and onto the floor. He unceremoniously situated his jacket on the tabletop and sat down. Wow, unceremoniously. I have officially been spending too much time with Armin. I should hang out with the anti-Armin aka Jean. Let his horse sense guide me. 

I probably was freaking Levi out because dude, I just sat there. Staring at him. Like a fucking creep. It’s just, you know, Levi Ackerman. We’ve been going to the same school for the past six years but this is the first time I’ve ever actually looked at him. Levi’s got a really nice face. Small, pointed nose, delicate cheekbones, thin arching eyebrows. 

I just kept staring at him. Took in the rest of him. 

Everyone knew he was pretty short but he’s not as small as I’d imagined. Like a solid 5’5”. That’s not bad at all. I mean, I’m standing at a solid 6’1” but Levi has the kind of presence that kind of made me feel like he was towering over me. 

He’s saying something but I have no clue what he’s saying. Great voice. 

I’m thinking that the intimidation factor is probably from the all black everything. It really stands out on the guy because holy fuck he’s pale. Dark hair, dark eyes, white ass skin. Makes him look more serious though. Contrast and all that shit. Levi Ackerman. Geez. I just kept staring. He just wasn’t really what I was expecting, ya know? 

He’s trying to speak to me, I just know it. 

Like he’s supposed to be super cool. A mystery and stuff. Mysteries are cool. Instead, he seems like kind of a dick. He spent the rest of the class ignoring me so I had to do the entire assignment alone while he doodled in his notebook. Cool. At least it’s just chemistry. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not just some dumb jock. I mean, I kind of am. But like, chemistry at East isn’t too bad. Brzenska is a massive bitch but as long as you do the work you’ll end up with a semi decent grade. Maybe a semi too, if you’re into glares and glasses. But all the in-class work is pretty easy. It’s a lot of problems though. Would go faster if I had a partner. Oh wait! I do, he’s just not helping at all. 

I guess Levi gave up on trying to talk to me because literally as soon as the bell rang Levi was up and out of the classroom. I hadn’t even turned in the sheet and he’s gone. I’m a good ass person so I scrawled his name on the sheet right before turning it in. Look at me. So kind. But seriously, what a fuckin bag of dicks. Like, am I that hard to be around? I don’t think so. I’m decent. I make good-ish grades. I’m kind of funny. I go to church on Sundays, sometimes. I’m nice to girls. For a quarterback I think I’m pretty chill. Whatever. I’ll pass chem alone and feel like a super science hero or some shit. 

My third and fourth periods are Latin III, which is a joke, and Senior English, which is an even bigger joke. Latin is just me and Jean fucking around in the back because we’re the only seniors in the class. He’ll make a stupid face at me and I’ll make a stupid face back and the poor little old lady Latin teacher gives up asking us to be serious after the fifth time she catches us. English is a lot of reading books written two hundred years ago and pretending we give a shit. Gotta pass them both to graduate. But those classes pass by in a breeze so I held on to my anger. If there is one thing football is good for, it’s getting out your aggression. Go in angry, come out pumped full of endorphins. 4-7pm. Monday through Thursday. Best therapy in the world. 

East Trost has a good ass football team. Ranked in the top three in Texas. Well okay, the rankings don’t mean too much yet because we haven’t even had our first game of the season so it’s mostly based off of last year. We were second in the state. I’m gunnin for that #1 spot. All about that top tier life. And I’m good. I’m so fucking good. I know I’m bragging but I’m also dead serious. Ranked top ten high school quarterbacks in the country. Notre Dame, Carolina, LSU, all scouted me. Notre Dame though. That’s where I want to be. As long as I kick some serious ass this season I should be on my way. 

Football isn’t just a game to me. And honestly, if you treat like nothing more than a lame ass game so kids with no real future can be good at something for a few years, then I’m not sure how the hell you haven’t gotten chased out of Texas yet. Seriously Texas forever and all that but we’re crazy here. I’ve been throwing a ball since before I could walk. Reiner, Jean, and I’ve been playing on the same peewee team since pre-k. We had a game the weekend Mikasa joined the family. The first real family outing we ever went to was an East football game. $5 to get in. Both Mika and I kept our tickets from that night. 

Point is football is more than a stupid game for stupid jocks. 

First day back to school. Everyone’s so crazy pumped. Just imagine Friday. Practice feels brand new. Lots of jokes and sweat. Team bonding. The first game of the season means proving ourselves. It means showing this tiny ass town that we actually are a team they can be proud of. Making State’s last year? Doesn’t matter. Three all conference players? Not important. This game is what sets the tone for the entire season, for the year, for the future, well my future. So even though it’s just another practice, just another Monday, I’m on the job. Connie, quit slacking. Thomas, get your hands together. John, fucking make your blocks. Quarterback means captain, leader, head honcho along with Reiner and kind of Jean. They’re right with me, calling encouragement and cuts in the same breath. East has always been golden. My year isn’t going to be the year we lose that. Goddammit we’ll stay top tier. 

All throughout practice I can hear the band rehearsing on top of the hill. The drums echo loud and clear and Jesus if it doesn’t pump me up. I turned back to practice and go twice as hard. Scan the field. Read the blocks. Find the opening. Right there. Jean. Throw the ball, Eren. 

Day 2. Tuesday. The routine is already in place. 5-fucking-am workouts. Home. Shower. Mikasa. Jay-Z. Armin. Median. Just in time for the bell. 

B days I have weight lifting third period. Coach runs the class but since working out three times a day is insane, we use the time to go over plays, knock out homework. Like a football study hall. If your grades drop, you become ineligible to play. So you get your shit done. Keep the grades from drowning. Stay at or above C-level. Get it? Drowning, sea level, C-level. I’m hilarious. Jean’s been ragging on my puns for years but one day someone is going to fall hella hard for my corny ass puns and Jean can go suck a dick. 

See Jean and I have been friends since third grade when Nile Dawk shoved a cupcake in someone’s face. We were both pissed because it was my cupcake and Jean’s face. We made a pact to get Nile out first in every single game of dodge ball, which turned, into us pelting him with dodge balls every Thursday when we had P.E. That kind of thing creates a bond for life. We’ve been best friends ever since. 

Fourth period is my Teacher Assistant period. Seniors can choose to take on a TA period instead of a normal class. It’s basically like having a free period. The teacher is picked for you by the school and 99% of the time you don’t have to do shit for them. My teacher is Pixis, the band director. I’ve never actually been inside the band room or ever even talked to Pixis before but I’ve heard that he’s pretty chill. Prime. 

I walked into the band room a few minutes early because let’s face it, I’m a great TA. On time. Absolutely amazing. Please let me leave. 

The band room is a big rectangle room with ugly white cinderblock walls and two pillars in the back of the room that probably serve absolutely no purpose. There were posters and white boards covering most of the walls within reach but the higher half of the walls were dominated by these giant blue things. I have no fucking clue what they’re called or what they do but basically they’re these weird shaped things on the walls. I don’t even know how to explain them. They look like something from a space ship. Do they do something? Are they important? Who knows? On the back wall there’s a set of double doors that look like they let out into the parking lot. Aka easy access future escape route. The wall that’s connected to the rest of the building has another set of double doors, looks like a locker room maybe, and another single door. Pixis’s office. The room is filled with black chairs and music stands arranged in a semi circle around a stool and another music stand. Around the outside of the half circle were these big ass xylophone looking things and a bunch of drums. Like do you really need that many drums? There’s a small one, a giant one, five medium ones. So many. Right behind the drums and against the back wall were about six huge file cabinets with stacks of papers on top of them piled a mile high. 

I walked over to Pixis’s office and knocked on his open door. The old man didn’t even look up as he called out, “Come on in, Jaeger.” Oh good, he already knows my name. “Look I know you probably only took a TA position so you could get out early so let’s make this simple.” This guy is even better than I was expecting. “All you have to do is organize the file cabinets in the back and you’re free to go. For the rest of the year.” I nominate Dot Pixis to be the next Pope. Clearly he has outstanding morals. “Organize it all alphabetically by song and make sure the sheet music is in the same order as on the score. Dismissed.” 

I should have seen this coming. Really I should have known. I stood in front of those fucking file cabinets for a solid ten minutes, just contemplating walking out. The other students were coming into the room and setting up their instruments while I stared at the train wreck before me. There were papers everywhere and none of the sheets were even organized by song, much less in the same order as the stupid score. ‘Just organize some stuff! It’ll be simple!’ Yeah, fuck off Pixis. I could hear the little band nerds whispering behind me so I turned around to glare at the old ass man sitting on the stool in the middle of the room. That old bastard. He even had this evil grin plastered on his face. Pixis has officially earned the Top Dick award. He started to laugh and the room chuckled along with him. I narrowed my eyes and sent him one of my best death glares. “Jesus fucking Christ, Pixis. You’re such an asshole.” Pixis only laughed harder and I scowled. 

“Watch your language, Jaeger! And as soon as you’re done, you’re done for the entire year. So chop chop! You should get done by at least March. Get started QB.” One more laugh and the most evil old man on the planet turned back to his students. I shot him one more glare and turned back to the file cabinets. Fuck him, I’ll finish in a week flat. 

Halfway through the period I got really bored and took a break from sorting papers. It’s mind numbing stuff. I’d zoned out completely though so I didn’t have to hear Pixis teaching from the front of the room. I started scanning the room, hoping I knew someone, anyone, in the class but to be honest, I don’t really know any of the band kids. Not really my clique, ya know? I tuned in to Pixis for a second and watched while he tried to guide some baby faced drummer through a part of the music. The poor kid just wasn’t getting it and I could tell that Pixis was getting frustrated with the little idiot. “Levi! Quit reading back there and show Matt how the paradiddle is supposed to fit into the segment.” Hahaha, paradiddle. Like what the fuck even is that? Aye yo girl, can I paradiddle you? Lemme get that paradiddle on wit chu. Okay, that was a little dumb but hey, I’m a seventeen year old guy. What were you really expecting? 

Wait a second, did he say Levi? Like Levi Ackerman? Chemistry partner extraordinaire? He’s in the band? He’s a drummer? He can paradiddle? How did I not know this? How did I not see him when I was people watching? I watched as he got up from his seat on the other side of the pillar, ah so that’s why I hadn’t seen him, and walked over to the little lost freshman. Little lost freshman that actually had a couple of inches on Levi. Huh. You know, I’ve been going to the same school as Levi since sixth grade, that’s like, what, over six years? But I never knew he played drums. I feel almost guilty about it. Like I know East is a big school but still. Levi had finished doing whatever Pixis had wanted him to and practically shoved the drumsticks into the freshman’s hands while quietly saying something to him. Matt The Freshman blushed and nodded, looking both embarrassed and relieved. It was an odd moment. Levi looked as intimidating as ever but his actions were almost gentle. Weird AF. 

Fuck. I don’t have time for this. I’ve got shit to do. I’m too busy to be paying attention to the band nerds. Work. That’s what I should be doing. Naturally, I spent the rest of the period messing around on my phone and trying not to think about how different this year was going to be from my ideal senior year. 

Wednesday there’s a big pep rally to get everyone in the spirit and to give the poor teachers a breather from the first days of school. US History is pushed to the side so a bunch of gross hormonal teenagers can pile into the gym and cheer on their amazing football team. I like pep rallies. The whole team is gathered in the hallways behind the gym and this time Jean, Reiner, and I are right at the front. Coach’s assistants are pulling the starters to the front and pushing the newbies further back. It’s important distinction. Reiner is always at the head of the pack, Jean and I close behind. We’ve never once questioned Reiner being in front. It’s natural. Reiner’s a goddamn symbol for this school. He’s huge, he’s hilarious. He’s damn good at football. But that’s not really it, ya know? Like Reiner is more than a funny football dude. Something about him just makes you want to better, makes you want to impress him. But the thing is, Reiner doesn’t judge. He’s, like, the least judgmental person I’ve ever met. I could go up to him and tell him that I want to be a dancing bear and as long as I’m serious, he’ll do everything he can to help me be who I want to be. But he’s cool, he’s popular, he’s a jock, and so people just assume he’s expecting something from them if they want to be his friend. He’s chill though. I really like that about him. 

So Reiner runs into the gym first and breaks through the banner that the cheerleaders are holding up with Jean and I behind him and we’re all grinning like we own the world and it kind of feels like we do. The rest of the team streams in behind us and the band is playing the fight song but it sounds a little off, like they can’t decide on a tempo but no one cares because everyone is screaming and cheering their stupid hormone filled teenage heads off. The crowds settle down a bit after the whole team is packed into the gym and they finally get quiet when Coach steps up to the mic. I can feel my face start to fall and my grin slipped. Coach always gives the same short little speech, reassuring the student body that Yes, we’re a great team with the best fans and Yes, we’re going to totally kick some ass on Friday and Yes, we really want everyone to come out and support us. Yes! Thank you! Yes! Goodbye! Please let me leave! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he didn’t give a shit. 

Something about hearing the same old speech reminded me that it’s my Senior year. Everything changes after this year and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I’m ready to get out of Texas, ready to move forward with life I guess. But at the same time I know that college is a whole new ball game. Pun intended. But this game is one that I’m not going to have any experience in. And there it goes. My good mood is officially gone. 

Once Coach is done Reiner gets up in front of the mic. The crowd is deafening. He just looks out over his adoring fans and grins. Eventually he signals for them to please shut up and then he’s talking. Telling the whole school about how rad the team is, how shitty our opponent is, how great I am, how important good leaders are, and then how important the fans are. It’s a good speech. Reiner’s completely confident up there. He closes with the standard, “Thanks for coming out everyone! See you all Friday!” And we’re free. 

Outside the gym Jean pulled me aside. “Dude your resting bitch face was too strong in there. What the hell were you thinking about?” Jean is kind of a dick but he cares and that’s cool. But honestly I didn’t really want to talk about what I was thinking about so I avoided his question and clapped him on the shoulder with the ever solid answer, “Your mom.” Jean glared at me, most likely about to remind me of something stupid from elementary school but Krista was waving me over so I gave him my best shit eating grin at him and ducked out. 

Mmmmmmm, Krista. Head cheerleader aka little blonde bitch goddess. Like seriously Krista is gorgeous and she knows she’s gorgeous and she’s kind of a bitch about it. Example: last year some poor sophomore made her cookies and asked her to prom and instead of letting the idiot down gently, Krista read him an entire list of reasons why he wasn’t her type “and thus, not good enough” for her. Sure, the kid was stupid to think she’d go for him, but damn Krista. Straight up cold. 

I’d tap that in a heartbeat. 

Maybe it’s because she considers me cool enough to hang around with but it’s never been hard for me to get along with Krista. We’ll chat, joke, flirt a bit, nothing serious. This year she’s in my chemistry class and Jesus fucking Christ if only she’d been may lab partner. Beauty’s got a brain! She’d pull her weight, 100%. In contrast, Levi isn’t even here today. Seriously though, is it that hard to show up for class and knock out your half of the work? Hell even Connie goes to class and gets his shit done and Connie’s had his brain scrambled in games so often that he’s probably lost a solid 40 IQ points just since sophomore year. Concussions are serious dude. And of course Brzenska blames me for Levi not being here. 

“Just where is Mr. Ackerman today.” 

“I don’t know ma’am.” 

“Why don’t you know, Mr. Jaeger.” 

“With all due respect ma’am, why would I know?” 

“He’s your lab partner. Text him.” 

“I don’t have his number ma’am.” 

“Stop with the ma’am’s Mr. Jaeger and do what I asked.” 

“Yes ma’am and no can do ma’am.” 

And that’s that. I’m sent out of the class. I shouldered my book bag and headed to Coach’s classroom. A-days Coach teaches in an actual classroom in the 400 building. He nods to me as I walk in and sit down behind his desk. Coach doesn’t pay me any more attention as he continues teaching. I think it’s world geography or something though honestly I wasn’t really paying attention. Shit like that is just so easy for me to zone out in. Instead of learning about the countries in South America, you know, like America only South, I started to doodle on Coach’s sticky notes. Plays. Footballs. Smiley faces. Cool shit. Like me. Insert sunglasses emoji here. Coach teaches right up to the bell but I’ve got a full five minutes before Latin starts and to be honest it won’t be the last time I show up late to Latin anyway. She might as well get used to it early on. 

Coach came over to his desk and looked down at me. Oh good, he’s amused not mad. “I see you’re picking up right where you left off last year. Who’s class did you get kicked out of this time?” 

“Brzenska’s.” 

“Of course. Why?” Coach is great. He just gets it. 

“My lab partner skipped today.” Coach just laughed at me and sent me along to Latin. 

I should have known not to trust that understanding smile. During practice he had us runs suicides until we “understood that our actions have consequences for our teammates.” Coach hasn’t named anyone specifically yet but… “When one of us gets sent out from a class, we all get sent out from a class.” Ah, there it is. It took 6 suicides for me to swear to myself that I would get Levi’s number. 

Thursday morning Mikasa turns to me on the way to Armin’s. “Pizza and Halo tonight?” I haven’t really hung out with Mikasa much since football workouts started and even less when school started. It’s cheesy as fuck but sometimes I just need some time with my sister. Pizza and video games on Thursdays has been our tradition since the night before my very first game starting JV. It’s just something fun and helps with the nerves, ya know? So I smile and give her a “yeah” and Mikasa smiles and cranks up the Kanye. No one man should have all that power. 

Mikasa joined the family ages ago when we were both kids. Back when Dad still liked his job and Mom wasn’t always stressed out over money, work, soap operas. Mikasa’s dad died of cancer when she was five and a couple of years later her mom followed. We don’t really talk about it much but every July we go down to the cemetery and leave flowers and prayers. I’m not all that much of a believer but I think Mikasa appreciates it. Plus mom would flay me alive if she knew I wasn’t completely devoted to the big man upstairs. Anyway, it’s been years and at this point I think of Mikasa as 100% my real sister. We’re the same age so it kind of feels like we’re twins. Mikasa just gets me through and through. She always knows when I’m hungry, when practice was tough, when I’ve just jerked off. I swear it’s like a sixth sense. I wish it went both ways. High school made things different though. I’m all football and cruising and Mikasa is above and beyond. She’s the student body VP, president of the National Honors Society, Captain of the Varsity soccer team. Plus she’s a straight A student with all fucking AP and Honors classes. Mikasa puts the top in top tier. But that means that we never really get to hang out more than once a week and that seriously sucks. 

She’s kind of stoic and doesn’t often show a lot of emotions unless she’s around me or Armin. Even Jean hasn’t been around long enough for her to completely warm up to him. It makes me a bit smug that she is so open with me. Like I have the VIP pass to Club Mikasa or something. Which sounds a little stupid. Whatever. 

Anyways, we pulled into Armin’s driveway and he got into the car with a weird look on his face. “The music is only about a five instead of the usual eleven.” He commented. Mikasa nodded and smiled and I turned Kanye up. 

It’s a B-day so third period is weight lifting. Jean is in the corner, going over some plays with a few juniors and sophomores. I thought about joining in but honestly, I’m not in the right mind frame for that. I mean QB is kind of an important player when it comes to plays but I know that Jean can handle this without me and I need something a little more physical to distract me. So for maybe the tenth time in the three years I’ve been taking weight lifting, I actually lift. Practice on Thursdays before games is a lot of going over plays and technique work so the physical activity won’t kill me. I’m good. I know what I’m doing. And I need the distraction. I’ve been feeling off since Monday. Maybe it’s because it’s my senior year. Maybe it’s because I’m about to lead my team tomorrow. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten laid in a long time, like a really long time. Seriously I thought football players are supposed to be having sex all the time but apparently that’s just in the movies. Yeah. But I’m not really sure what’s been getting me down. All I do know is that the bar feels great and I’m sweating pretty hard, pushing myself. I didn’t even notice when Jean came over to spot me. I’m focused. But I’m in my head too much. Halfway through my third set Coach comes behind the bench and racks the bar for me. I looked up at him, vaguely annoyed, vaguely confused, and he glares back down at me, “Get the fuck out of my weight room, Jaeger.” He tosses my book bag at me and I’m out of the room before he has the chance to change his mind. 

I get like this sometimes. Too far into my head. It doesn’t really seem like anyone can tell except for Coach or sometimes Mikasa. Coach started noticing it my Junior year and he would kick me out of his room just like he did today. I wonder if he knows where I go. See one time Coach sent me back to his office to get something and he gave me his set of keys to unlock the door. But Coach doesn’t just have keys to his office. He’s got the gym, his classroom, the back door to the gym, the locker room, and most importantly, the holiest of all places in this goddamn school, the roof. I have no idea how Coach wasn’t suspicious of me because it sure took me a long time to grab his clipboard from his desk that day. I tried out every key on his keychain to see where they all went. He must not have thought anything of it because the next week he sent me on another errand with his keys and this one took even longer because I went straight to my car, drove to Lowe’s hardware and made a copy of the roof key. Is that illegal? Maybe. Do I care? Not a bit. 

Even if I end up incarcerated, shit I’m back in Armin’s vocabulary, it’s worth it to get to spend time up on the roof. East is made up of a bunch of single story buildings connected by breeze ways but the 1100 building, the gym and the auditorium were all at least two stories. The new building, the 1100 building, was my favorite roof. You can see the entire campus. Which is cool. Not really what I come here for though. But late last year I hid a beach chair up here and you can recline it almost all the way back and suddenly you’re looking past the ugly school buildings and out at the woods on the edge of campus. It’s best on sunny days with a few white clouds and while everyone’s in class. I can pretend I’m alone and not at school and not stuck in my head. It helps. 

But 3rd period can’t last forever. 

My TA period fucking crawled by. I made it three fourths of the way though before I gave up on the file cabinets from hell and started people watching. Pixis seemed like he actually knew what he was doing. Apparently this class was the best of the band nerds. Wind Ensemble. A lot of the people in this class seem like Juniors. Or at least I hope they’re Juniors because I feel like I’ve never seen most of them in my entire life. Besides Levi, looks like he’s ditching today, shit guess I’m not getting his number today, I only know one other guy in the class. Erwin Smith. Senior Class President. He’s on the far side of the room, playing trumpet. I’m pretty sure he’s in the band too. The conductor or something. Erwin’s a big dude. Tall, blond haired blue eyed. Always put together. He’s like Reiner if Reiner brushed his hair and dressed better. Smith’s a giant though. He towers over both me and Reiner at somewhere past 6’4”. He probably could have played football. Not like he needs the popularity boost though, the dude is probably the most well known guy in the school. And this is coming from the fucking quarterback. I didn’t realize that I was staring at him until he looked up and I quickly looked back down at the file cabinets. I tried. I really tried. But my focus kept coming back to Erwin and at this point it was probably inevitable. I should buy Armin a pizza. I’d been trying to figure out the exact size of his eyebrows, two overweight caterpillars for each one if you’re wondering, when he looked up and caught me looking. I could feel my face heating up until he sent me the most fucking dazzling smile I’ve ever seen. I was caught off guard. SOS. Please send help. I panicked. Couldn’t think of anything else to do so I just smiled back and when the bell rang, beat it out of there. 

Thursday practices are always intense. Not like physically. Just everyone is nervous and excited and there’s a general feeling of insanity. We don’t really tackle on Thursdays, it’s mostly just plays and stuff. No injuries the night before a game. Especially the first game of the season. You can look around practice on a Thursday and feel the nerves. That night Reiner texts the defense, I text the offense and Jean handles the special teams. It’s not a long text. It’s not even all that inspirational. Just a reminder. A simple “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.” 

Game days are always weird. Like it’s the best and worst days to be on the team. We all wear our jerseys and everyone wishes you good luck and you can tell they’re all excited. Your cheerleader bakes you cookies or a cake or brownies, Petra always makes me chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, and it’s a great time to be a football player. But you can also feel everyone’s expectations weighing on your shoulders and your nerves are getting worse by the minute. And Jesus Christ if those minutes don’t go by so slowly. Half of you wants time to speed up and the other half wants time to completely stop. The guys all handle it in different ways. Jean gets cocky. Reiner gets even louder. Connie spends the entire day texting his girlfriend, Sasha. I just get quiet. 

At least everyone else in the school is excited on game days too. Classes are off topic, students are talking even more than usual, even the teachers seem to catch the fever. I didn’t even have to sleep through US History today. Woerman stopped trying to teach halfway through the period. We ended up spending the rest of the class talking about North Maria’s defense. Stuff like that gets your hopes up about the rest of the day. I knew it wouldn’t last. Brzenska didn’t cut us any slack today, if anything she was an even bigger bitch than usual. And to add insult to injury Levi had decided to actually show up today. Whoop dee do. I briefly entertained the idea that maybe he’d be in a better mood because of the game. Spoiler alert: He wasn’t. If anything he was even more pissy than usual. Had a snarky comment for everything Brzenska said but just kept on ignoring me as I plugged away at the lab work. Well he ignored me until about twenty minutes in when I got stuck on some calculations that I should have been able to do. I’ve been a little preoccupied with real life, okay? I forgot my goddamn calculator. I wasn’t going to risk detention on a Game day just for a stupid worksheet so using my phone was out. I tried working them out on paper but honestly I wasn’t getting anywhere. 

Seriously this is so fucking stupid. When am I ever going to have to do math like this without a calculator in the real world. And, like, why did this have to happen today? I’m already wound up tighter than a spring. I could feel myself spirally deeper into self pity when a pale hand slid over one of those fancy graphing calculators. I stared at it for a second having a quick internal debate, what if this is a trap, what if it’s not, before Levi interrupted my thoughts, “Look dipshit, use what little brains you have left and finish the freakin set. I know it’s hard to use that poor underdeveloped part of your body but you better try before tonight when some meathead knocks you so hard you end up taking all of your meals through a straw.” Wow okay everything about what he said was incredibly shitty so I did what any mature adult would do. I carefully picked up the calculator as he snickered but his face sure did change when I stood up to put his fancy ass calculator on the highest shelf of the supply rack. The one even I have a hard time reaching. In case you were wondering, I’m 6’2”. Have fun with that tiny douchebag. 

He had to use a chair and a large chemistry book to get it down. I resisted the urge to knock the chair from under his feet. 

I needed to cool off. Refocus. Get my head right. I made it all the way through Latin through sheer determination. I sat in my seat in the back with some headphones in and stared out the window. Somebody put me in a music video. Jean knew something was up and wisely left me alone. Right after Latin is lunch and that was when I came to the conclusion that an extended lunch was exactly what I needed. I feel like I can skip English. Last class on a game day, who really cares? Honestly at this point in the day I don’t really want to talk to anyone anyway. It’s a thing. I’m clearing out my useless teenage thoughts. 

Plus I have grapes in my lunch today. 

I’m so serious about this. They’re fun as hell to toss off the roof. Really anything is fun to toss off the roof. I used to lob rocks but uh, that went about as well as you’d think it would. Connie had a bruise for a full week and a half. 

Anyways, I went and unlocked the door to the roof and climbed up the stairs, Opened the door and Bam. I’m free. The roof is empty like always and the sky is clear other than a few fluffy white clouds. This is exactly what I needed. I can feel the calm washing over me and I stopped feeling the restlessness that’d been plaguing me all day. Honestly, I don’t really get to feel this chill often. I mean, it doesn’t surprise me. I’m a fucking teenage guy for Christ’s sake! The only peace I get is after eating an entire pizza or post jerking off. You know, before the guilt and slight disgust set in. But up here I can feel it. I hid a folding chair up here last year so on days like today I can pull it out and just chill. 

I must have passed out because the next thing I know I’m being poked awake with a pen. I looked up and nearly fell out of my chair. Erwin Smith. Perfect student. Never gets in trouble. Never skips class. Mr. Perfect is smiling with his stupid perfect teeth down at me. “What the hell are you doing here?” I blurted out. Woah Eren, calm the fuck down. 

Erwin furrowed his brows and his smile dropped a bit, “I beg your pardon?” 

I swallowed nervously and attempted to play off the whole thing with my natural charm, “Uh, this is the roof. Students aren’t allowed on the roof.” Smooth Eren. 10/10. I’m not sure why I was so awkward around this guy. I took a deep breath and forced myself to think about the roof. Clouds. Grapes. Blue skies. Calm. Erwin just smiled and mentioned that I’m a student too and suddenly I felt a lot more relaxed. I invited him to sit down and he ended up explaining that he’s noticed that the door to the roof was ajar, his word not mine, sorry Armin, and had wanted to check it out. I guess it’s probably his TA period right now. No way he’d ever skip class. Ugh, he probably TA’s for a super chill teacher. Envy hittin me hard. 

Erwin ended up staying and talking to me for the rest of the period and I’ve got to say, it was really cool. Like, seriously. He’s fuckin cool. He told me that he’s the conductor, no sorry the “drum major” for the marching band and we talked about how hard it is to be a leader. You can’t really talk to Reiner about that kind of thing because it comes so easy to him. It’s second nature to him. I mean Erwin seems like a really good leader too but he told me that sometimes he starts to doubt the decisions he makes and I told him that I kind of feel the same way. “You’re always going to wonder if you could have changed the outcome of a situation, whether you realistically could or not.” Erwin’s deep. Top tier, but also deep. 

Eventually he stood up to leave and I couldn’t help but feel kind of sad that he had to go. Erwin took a few steps before turning back to me and giving me a crooked type of smile, “Hey Eren? Go easy on Levi, okay? I know he’s kind of an asshole but deep down he’s a good guy, I promise.” I shot him a look that told him exactly what I thought about that and he just chuckled and waved as he left me alone on the roof. Seriously though, go easy on Levi? First off, I barely know him. Second, other than the calculator thing I haven’t actually done anything to him. In fact I’ve helped him. He hasn’t done any work in Chemistry at all. He’d probably fail the class if I didn’t put his name on things. I stood up, folded the chair and grabbed my book bag, locking the door to the roof after I left. 

The three hours between the end of school and kickoff time is a blur. Some local restaurant donates dinner to the team and Jean, Reiner, and I spread ourselves out, just talking with the guys, chatting about stupid shit, calming everybody down. The captains have been doing this since before my freshman year and even though technically only Reiner and I are captains, the entire team counts Jean as a captain too. So I let Jean talk to more of the guys than me so I can pull the poor backup QB aside for a quick pep talk. Coach’ll probably throw him in third quarter if we’re ahead by enough so he can get a little experience. After all, he’ll be the new me next year. I can feel my own nerves humming in my veins as I run through a few plays with him. I’m excited. I’m ready. 

In the locker room I can barely sit still until Coach stands up to give us all our pregame speech. We’re ready, pads on, helmets in hand, down on one knee. Coach stands there for a second, looking down on us. We’re his team. Coach started working at East my freshman year and he practically raised us. He was with us the first year East made it to the playoffs, the year we got fourth, last year when we got second, and goddammit he’ll be with us this year when we take first. We’re going to go all the way, I can feel it. My nerves were starting to build back up when Coach speaks. It’s pretty well worn speech, sometimes I think I could say it along with him, but it still hits home just like the first time I heard it. Coach talks about expectations and earning everything we’ve got. He talks about “not giving them an inch” and “play smarter and harder, none of that or bullcrap” and he keeps going on because he knows we need to hear it. Five minutes until we have to head out there. Four minutes. Three. Two minutes to go and Coach is ready to finish his speech. He looks over his shoulder to the assistant coaches standing behind him and then turns back to face us. He salutes us in East Trost tradition, right fist over his heart, as he calls, “Clear eyes, full hearts” and we all know the response and when it comes it’s thunderous. Can’t lose. 

Fire in my eyes, Reiner and Jean on either side of me as we push through the locker room doors, leading the team. The people in the stands are screaming and cheering. It’s incredible. There’s no place I’d rather be than this field at this very moment. It’s a new beginning and I’m ready. Reiner, Jean, and I break off from the rest of the team and head towards the middle of the field for the coin toss and shake hands with the North Maria captains. 

The first half is a blur. 

We were playing together for sure, but not quite the cohesive team we were at the end of last year. More like a collection of good players than a good team. At the half we were only just barely winning. Jean had made some great runs, Reiner had the defense mostly under control, I was holding strong. First quarter I threw an absolutely beautiful 53 yard touchdown pass, my pump fakes were on point ninety percent of the time, I was reading the field well. But North Maria had some of the fastest counters I’d ever seen and they played a real strong Texas defense, corners jamming, a lot of pressure off the outsides. So by the time the first half is over we’re only a touchdown ahead. 

The band is marching onto the field while we’re all piling back into the locker room to be grilled, me, or chewed out, everyone else. Coach pulls me in and hands me a water bottle, asking me what I’m seeing out there. In between gulps of water and pushing my sweaty hair out of my face I’m talking about them coming off the ends before I can even see them. The offensive coach, Shadis is in front of me next and that means strategy. “Their safeties are staying deep, maybe we could try more slants and crosses. We can try to fade a bit but I need more time plus I’m getting blitzed like crazy from the weak side.” I tell him. He’s nodding and Coach yells for the defensive coach. I ran my fingers through my hair again and pushed it to the side. I should get a haircut soon. I take a deep breath and we’re back in the game. 

Third quarter it all goes to shit. Hands are everywhere but on the ball and half the team is missing their blocks. I call a play and the fuckers lose all memory of where they need to be. They play what they think is safe, close quarters. Only Jean is doing what he needs to but Maria’s caught on and he’s covered most of the time. It’s frustrating. Thank whatever is up in heaven for mouth guards because I’m pretty sure I would have ground my teeth down to nothing. “Run your routes. Have faith in your routes. You will catch the ball!” I’m trying so hard to stay strong for these guys. Keep calm. Keep in control. That’s the quarterback’s job. It’s a shit job. 

Maria scores again in the last two minutes of the third and things are looking bad. They miss the extra kick and we’re all tied up. The fourth quarter starts a missed block means I’m sacked and not even five minutes in they score again. I’m cussing their offense out while Jean is praising their super shitty kicker. He claps a hand on my shoulder and I can feel his positivity rolling off of in waves. It’s not enough to boost the team though and I know what we need. I pull them around me and give the shortest motivational speech of my life, “Fight. You don’t stand a single chance to win if you don’t fight.” I look as many guys in the eyes as I can before we have to run back onto the field. 

We hold them off until the very last thirty seconds of the game and it’s getting desperate. For some reason I’m feeling incredibly calm. I know what I have to do and I call the play with a kind of fierce determination that the huddle catches onto. They trust me and when the play starts I can feel their resolve in the air around me. I scan the field and there he is. My man, Jean. It feels like time has slowed down as I let the ball fly. I’m watching it soar through the air, a perfect spiral, and I’m not a religious guy but I find myself praying to every god I can think of. Maybe I’ll even go to church this Sunday. The whatever upstairs must have heard my prayers and fell for my good looks because Jean’s got his hands on the ball and he’s 20 yards from the end zone. 

15 yards. 

10 yards. 

5- Hallelujah. 

Connie comes through on the kick, I knew it was a good call to steal him from the soccer team, and the buzzer sounds. The stands erupt in cheers. The team is converging and everyone’s yelling. Jean is crushing me between him and Reiner and the rest of the team is piling around us. It’s sweaty and gross and one of the best feelings in the entire world. Reiner’s shouting so loud he drowns out the announcer. I have the stupidest fucking grin on my face and all I can think is that this is our year. Back in the locker room Coach is talking about things we need to work on but you can tell he’s proud of us. Don’t get me wrong, Monday practice will be hell and game tapes will suck but right now he’s letting us enjoy our win. 

Speaking of enjoying ourselves, a win means a party. A party means beer. Amen. I remember how last year partying had to be carefully planned out and worried about but this year it’s like a routine. We go out to Jean’s family barn. Marco, a safety, has an older brother that gets the beer for us. I know there’s always room for me at Jean’s house so I don’t even have to worry about getting home. It’s a good life. I’m changing out of my pads at a lightning speed because the sooner I get out of here the sooner I can shower and the sooner I can get drunk. We can hear the drumline making their way through the breezeway, their beat echoing off the walls. It gets me even more hype and I can tell that Jean feels the same way because he’s bouncing on his feet waiting for me to get my shit together so we can go. Eventually he starts throwing my pads in my bag for me as I take them off. It’s our senior year and you can bet your ass we’re throwing down. We just won our first game and I am so ready to be smashed. Hopefully find a pretty girl to make out with, possibly dump some beer on Reiner’s head, who knows. 

The entire team is laughing and shoving our way out of the locker room, joking, being loud and stupid. The band is playing some badass song that makes me feel like I’m completely on top of the world and Jean’s arm is around my shoulders and I’m laughing again. I feel kind of like an idiot laughing at nothing but Jean’s doing it too. Connie joins in and eventually Thomas and Fritz and everyone around are cracking up at absolutely nothing. Jean deposits me at the Explorer and heads off towards his Wrangler. I reached into my pocket but all I found was my wallet. Checked the other pocket, empty. Back pockets, nada. Fuck. I sighed and jogged my sorry ass back to the locker room. That’s what I get for rushing. Karma strikes again. I pushed the door open and turned the corner and froze. 

Reiner was in the locker room. Missing some clothes, sporting a serious boner, and making out with another guy. _Well shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :D im back!
> 
> so ive been working on this story since the end of February and am finally getting it up on ao3.  
> They'll probably never see this but made props to my older sister and my supervisor/good friend Joseph for helping me edit this chapter! Even though i had to awkwardly explain that this is fanfiction....
> 
> anyways, comments and kudos are always so appreciated and lemme know what you think of the story! It should be a good time lol
> 
> come bother me on tumblr [here! ](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That's the thing about fear. Death will kill you once, but fear kills you over and over and over, if you let it.” -Marcus Allen

I froze. Reiner cursed. The other guy was sweating bullets. I just stood there blocking the exit and staring at the two of them like an idiot while Reiner started putting his clothes back on at the speed of light. He looked up and met my eyes and, Jesus Christ, he looked ready to fight. Wonder if I could take Reiner. I mean he’s big and he’s like pure muscle but I’m faster, probably a little smarter. I met his stare and kept thinking about what would happen if I actually did have to fight him. Nothing good, that’s for sure. Sweaty Guy was looking back and forth between us before he attempted to beat a hasty retreat with a “see you later!” tossed over his shoulder to Reiner, who didn’t move. I finally snapped out of it when Sweaty Guy pushed past me to get to the door of the locker room. I gave him a quick glance and turned back to Reiner. 

It was honestly the most awkward and tension filled situation I’ve ever been in and that includes the time I got a surprise boner in the middle of math class my freshman year. Because the way I see it, I have two options: demand an explanation or get the fuck out of there. Now I’m no coward. I’ve never run from a fight in my entire life. But this time, for the first time, I ran. I broke eye contact with Reiner and dashed over to my locker and saw my keys on the floor. I scooped them up and straight up ditched, feeling Reiner’s glare burning a hole into my back the entire time. I didn’t stop moving or even dare to look back until I was in the driver’s seat of the Explorer. 

Okay deep breaths. 

I calmed down enough to breathe normally until my brain shot off like a rocket. So does this mean Reiner’s gay? And who was that other guy? I don’t know him, is he a senior? I guess he’s gay too? Did he come on to Reiner or was it the other way around? Reiner’s a pretty forward guy. Maybe he came onto Sweaty Guy. I wonder how many times they’ve hooked up. How far do you think they- I really need to stop thinking about this. It’s causing a mind tornado. 

I shoved my key into the ignition, oh god sexual, I wonder if Reiner is a top or a bottom because at first glance I feel like top but- okay moving on, and sped out of East’s parking lot. I need a fucking drink so bad it’s ridiculous. A quick trip back to my house to take the fastest shower of my life and I’m on my way to Jean’s. Fortunately he doesn’t live very far from me, only like three miles, so in no time at all I’m pulling into Jean’s driveway and dropping my keys in a bowl on the kitchen counter. I’ve known Jean for so long that I don’t even knock anymore, just waltz right in. Jean’s mom, Mrs. Kirstein, smiled at me and called out a hello and I was still so shaken up that I could barely stutter out a “hey Mrs. K” in response as I made my way through the door in the kitchen and out to the barn. I felt a little bad because Mrs. K is a top tier lady and she’s basically a second mother to me but I just cannot talk to her right now. She has the weird mom thing that makes me want to sit on the couch in the living room with her and spill all of my stupid problems and right now I’m just here to get drunk. 

I forced a smile onto my face and opened the door of the barn. Everyone inside erupted into cheers the moment they saw it was me and my grin became a little less forced as Jean came over and put a beer in my hand while he slung his other arm around my shoulders. 

See Jean’s family has a weird dynamic. His parents are a very traditional couple of people but for some reason they’re completely okay with their son and at least fifteen of his friends getting drunk in their barn. Which is great for me because this barn is a prime party location. It’s huge and all the stalls have been cleaned out and had their doors taken off. The Kirstein’s haven’t kept animals in here for years so the barn smells like bonfires and hay instead of like, farm animals or something. So we keep throwing parties here and Jean’s parents don’t mind as long as no one drives after they’ve been drinking. 

My face must have still looked kind of off because Jean took another look at me and asked if I was okay. These days it feels like that’s all we ever talk about, whether or not I’m okay. Lame as fuck. So instead of answering I cracked a hole in the bottom of the beer with the bottle opener on my key ring and pulled the tab. Jean watched me shotgun the beer apparently waiting on an answer. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked back at him. He silently handed me another beer and I gave him an honest to god sincere smile and said, “Game stuff. Get me drunk and I’ll be just fine.” Jean chuckled at that and I decided that it is definitely time for the quarterback to start partying. It’s basically my sacred duty as quarterback to get drunk after games. Drink to celebrate or drink to forget, either way I’m getting smashed. 

And partying with my friends is so easy. Make a lap, joke around with Connie, watch Connie’s girlfriend, Sasha, inhale an entire Cookout tray in two minutes flat. Toss my empty beer can. Grab another one. Make another lap, thank Marco for getting the beer, bother Jean about his attempts to flirt with Mikasa. Toss empty beer can at Connie’s head. Bullseye. Grab two more beers from the cooler outside. Go back inside. Flirt with Krista. Bet I can shotgun faster than her. Shotgun race with Krista outside the barn. Lose spectacularly. Grab a new beer. Play a game of beer pong with Jean, Marco, and Connie. Connie and I win. Refuse to leave early with Mikasa. Flirts some more with Krista. Go outside with her to grab a new beer. End up making out against the barn wall. She says it’s casual. Head back into the barn with new beer. Keep on keeping on. 

It’s around 2am when people start to clear out. By 3 it’s just me, Jean and Marco. I know that if I stay here tonight Jean will sit me down and force Drunk Me to tell him what’s wrong and I’m too far gone to lie effectively. Man, as much as I want to just spill everything, and believe me I want to so fucking bad, I just can’t. That’d just be so shitty. In fact I’m kind of regretting getting drunk. Like I definitely feel a lot better because everything feels softer? Rounder? Better, anyway. But there is now a zero percent I can even think about driving myself home. I can barely walk in a straight line to be honest. But I can’t stay here. And I can’t drive home. So I decided to walk home. Logic, duh. 

Seriously I can make it the three miles home, no sweat. I’m Eren fucking Jaeger. QB and dude extraordinaire. I can do anything. I said my goodbyes to Jean and Marco, and after swearing that I wasn’t driving home they let me go. I set out into the quiet night and for the first mile I’m feeling great. The fresh air is making me feel a little cooler and the beer is numbing my brain in the most pleasant way possible. It’s taking me forever to walk but I don’t even care, that’s how chill I’m feeling. There’s nobody out on the road at this time of night and I kind of feel like I’m the only person in the world and I love it. Plus it’s prime time to walk home because I’m pretty sure that I’m stumbling around like a complete idiot but there’s no one around to see me. A straight up miracle. 

I’ve walked home from Jean’s before. Back before either of us had our driver’s licenses I’d make the trek almost every day. Trek? Goddamn. Call me Hemingway. Or wait, who was the guy that ditched humanity for a year? He used words like trek. Armin talked about him for like two full weeks. Walton? Walker? Walmart? Whatever. Anyway, there’s this park about halfway between our two houses and about a quarter of a mile from the park all that beer hit me real hard. 

Suddenly I don’t want to be the only one in the world because the world is fucking _spinning_ and I’m not sure how far I can keep walking. I made it to the park through the grace of God knows what and made my way over to a bench by the gazebo through sheer willpower and muscle memory. I slumped down onto the bench, eyes closed, head in my hands, waiting for the world to calm the fuck down. 

1 minute. Not yet. 

2 minutes. Cracked an eye open and nope, nope, no, shut it up real quick. 

3 minutes. Someone else is on the bench. I can hear them clear their throat but I kept my eyes shut and moaned in response. 

4 minutes. A voice is asking if I’m okay. It’s a nice voice, kind of familiar. I croak out a no. 

5 minutes. A finger just poked my shoulder and the nice voice is saying something again. I opened one eye to find out who it is but I’m pretty embarrassed so I just stare down at their legs and feet. Black combat boots with little sliver studs. Black pants on some small ass legs. There’s only one person in town who dresses like that. I’m praying that I’m wrong. I can’t deal with him. Not here, not now. I let my eye sneak up a little higher until I see a black shirt with some band name on it and some incredibly pale arms. Why is this happening to me? Maybe there really is a God. He’s clearly punishing me for doubting His existence. I gather my courage with a deep breath and look up at his face. Levi is looking back at me, hand outstretched, with a strange mixture of disgust and concern in his expression. We hold eye contact for a split second before the world starts spinning again and I turn my head back to the ground and screw my eyes shut. 

He’s poking me and asking if I’m going to puke and I really want to say I’m fine but we both know that’s a lie. Instead I just kind of shrug while trying not to move my head to much and we both end up sitting there in silence. It’s pretty fuckin awkward and I’m surprised he doesn’t leave but he sits beside me on the bench barely moving. The tension in the situation is so uncomfortable that I considered just getting up and walking away. And seriously I would have if I wasn’t in danger of falling flat on my face after about five feet. Eventually my poor drunken brain couldn’t take it anymore so I opened my eyes and let instinct take over, “How’re you?” 

He seemed surprised by my question but he gave me an answer, “I’m okay. The real question is, which mind you, I’ve asked you about three fucking times, is are _you_

okay?” I looked down at my hands before I sat up and leaned all the way back on the bench, letting my legs spread out before me. When I looked at Levi he was looking at me with one eyebrow raised so I just shrugged again before I said no. He nodded and tucked his legs under his body. It was a weird position but it made him seem a lot less intimidating. With his height and slim figure he looked kind of like a little kid, sitting crisscross applesauce on the bench. The lack of light added to the effect as it erased the harsh lines from his face and hid the dark circles that were normally under his eyes. Levi looked me over as I stared back, having some kind of internal debate and I waited patiently while he made a decision. The world had stopped spinning for now and I was back to the contented drunk feeling I’d started my walk with.

Eventually Levi sighed and said, “Let me just start off by saying that I really don’t care, I can’t stress that enough, but do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you? Again I don’t give a single solitary fuck but it might help.” And the thing is I really, really wanted to talk to someone about it. Like I know that’s the single shittiest thing a guy could do; out his bro I mean. I didn’t even want to talk to Jean about this. And Sober Eren would have been furious at the thought. Tipsy Eren would be annoyed at himself for even considering it. But Drunk Eren didn’t give a shit. Guy’s like a honey badger. So I spilled. Maybe it was because Levi was essentially a stranger, someone completely outside of the situation but with more slurred words then I would have liked, I told him all about the roof and the game and the pressure and wanting to forget everything. He just sat there nodding occasionally as I talked his ear off. When I got to the part about walking in on Reiner Levi stopped nodding and his eyes got huge. I plowed on, talking about how weird it made me feel and how shitty I felt for telling someone about it even though I really needed to get it off my chest. I was like a runaway freight train, no stopping me now. I talked about the party and the beer and Krista and Jean and how hard it is to fake a smile and pretend that everything is fine. He snorted at that and told me that I wear my emotions on my face. “You’re just so easy to read.” 

It was the first time he’d interrupted my story and for some reason, aka alcohol, my brain thought what he said was hilarious and I spent half a minute just straight up laughing. Levi cracked a little half smile and I took a deep breath, feeling a lot better than before. Like some huge ass weight had been lifted off of my lungs and suddenly I could breathe normally again. We sat in silence but it didn’t feel awkward or weird like it had before and it was kind of nice. I could feel myself grinning like an idiot and I just couldn’t wipe it off of my face. One look at Levi told me that he content but exhausted too. He looked kind of like a wilting plant as his shoulders slumped down and he lost his trademark glare. 

After a few minutes I felt kind of bad for keeping him up and I decided it was time for me to get going. The world seemed pretty stable and I was feeling confident in my ability to walk without falling over so I pushed myself up using the bench to propel myself forward. Levi watched as I wobbled a bit before he asked me if I could walk okay. Can I walk? Who does he think I am? Some lame-o freshman who’s never had a beer in his life? Bruh, I’m motherfucking QB! I sent him my most confident smirk and took a few steps forward. The park around me pitched to the side and the next thing I knew, I was ass down on the grass. I chucked and laid back, content to lay there forever. 

I heard him sigh above me and felt a foot prodding my side. Looked up to see a hand extended down to me, let him help me up and nodded when he said he’d walk me home. I tried walking again but my balance was all over the place so we ended up shuffling home with my arm slung around his shoulders and his arm holding my waist. The entire walk back to my house was filled with me chattering away about literally nothing. I’d apparently gotten over my dislike of him from earlier in the week and just started telling him things. Mostly stories about the families that lived in the houses we’d passed or the stupid shit I’d done with Jean when we were kids. I’d forget what I had been saying literally seconds after I said it. It took us a solid thirty minutes to get to my street and by the end of the walk my babbling had basically just turned into me talking about how great Levi is. He’d just been lugging me along and smirking at my monologue. 

When we got to my yard he slipped his arm from my waist and ducked under my arm and asked, “You good?” I nodded, still grinning and took a few steps, got cocky and spun on my heel to face him. He rushed forward to keep me from falling flat on my face again and the least manly sound I’ve ever produced came out of my mouth. I shit you not, I _giggled_. Like, what the fuck Eren. He sighed and I could feel his breath against my shoulder as he helped me regain my balance. I quickly pulled back from him enough to look him dead in the eye. Levi seemed taken aback as I gave him a solid stare down. “You can’t tell anyone about Reiner. Swear you won’t. Come on swear.” Levi didn’t answer immediately so I leaned in a little closer and repeated the demand. He took a step back from me and nodded and I leaned back satisfied. I walked backwards a few steps and holy shit I think I was steadier walking backwards then forwards. He gave me a little grin and in a sudden burst of idiotic inspiration my drunk self ran back up to him and held out my hand. “Give me your phone number!” 

He stared at me, grin gone and I quickly explained myself a bit more. “Brzenska sent me out of class the other day because I couldn’t text you. Coach made me run a shit ton of suicides for it so I don’t really want it to become a regular thing, you know? So give me your number.” I even tacked on a please at the end to help me seem less like a total creep. He still looked kind of annoyed so I concluded my speech with a mention of giving him the notes and lab results that he missed. One flashed skeptical look before Levi pulled a sharpie out of his pocket. He stepped closer and grabbed my hand, head bent as he scribbled his number onto the palm of my hand. I stood as still as I could but at that point even I could tell I was swaying. He finally finished writing and capped his marker as he turned away from me. I called out a goodbye and he turned back to give me a halfhearted wave. I smiled and stumbled my way into my house. 

I don’t remember how I got up the stairs and into my bedroom but the next morning I woke up laying in just my boxers, tangled up in the sheets of my bed, feet on my pillow, head at the foot of the bed. Within the first two minutes of being awake I knew two things. One: I was severely hungover. Two: I really had to pee. My right hand was basically stuck to my face so I peeled it off with a groan and used it to lever myself out of bed, kicking the sheets to get them off of me. Forced myself out of bed, stumbled over to the bathroom and emptied my bladder while braced against the wall with one arm. I was washing my hands because occasionally I take hygiene seriously when I noticed my reflection. To put it simply, I looked like shit. My hair was sticking up in every direction on one side of my head while the other side was plastered flat against my skull and I had bags under my eyes and a black ink stain on my cheek. I brought my hand up to rub at it and saw the writing on my palm. Levi’s number and a short message telling me that he doesn’t have texting were written in small slanted letters. I made my slow, painful way back to my bed and searched my sheets for my phone. It was down to ten percent battery so I quickly put in Levi’s number and plugged it into the charger beside my bed. The same beautiful bed that was calling out to me, begging me to come back and sleep but I felt too disgusting to lay back down so I forced myself to go back to the bathroom to take a shower. 

Let’s talk about shower-baths. Shaths if you will. One of whatever-the-fuck-lives-in-the-cloud’s greatest gifts to mankind is the shower with a tub connected to it. It is what makes a shath possible. Okay so the name shath sounds kind of stupid, but I don’t give a shit because they’re amazing. You turn the water on really hot and get the shower going. Then you plug the drain of the bath and sit your ass down. Breathe. Relax. Let the shower fill up the tub while it pounds into your shoulders. I can literally feel my back muscles loosening. Got a hangover? Or even just a regular headache? Cut the lights. You’re feeling better already. Then when the tub is full you can turn off the water and soak in the full bathtub. It feels amazing. It’s also kind of a waste of water but honestly, I can never really bring myself to care. Life is stressful. Sometimes you’ve got to waste a little water. 

My head was pounding when I walked into the bathroom to start my shath so I cut out the lights and sank into pure hungover bliss. Oh my god. Bliss? Really? I need to just stop. Anyway, I almost dozed off as the water filled the tub around me. It’s so warm and it soothed my bruised body. Football is a sport of latent pain. You always feel it the next day and you’ve always got bruises to show off. Hot water helps to unknot the muscles in your back and legs; in fact, the only reason I got out of the tub at all was because the water started to get cold. I eased my sore body out of the tub and used a towel to dry myself off. Rubbed my hair extra hard so it’ll dry a little faster before I wrapped another towel around my waist. I let the one I used on my hair to fall around my shoulders and headed back over to my phone. It’d charged up a bit while I was soaking my worries away so I scooped it up and unlocked it while I leaned against my dresser. Levi’s name glared up at me from the bright screen, glaring at me the way it’s owner would have had he been here. I shouldn’t have anything to worry about right? After last night, we’re basically friends, right?? 

He’s still going to be pissy. 

Okay, deep breath. Time to face the music. Time to man the fuck up! Time to hit the call button. 

First ring. He’s probably still asleep. I mean it’s like 1pm but he was up pretty late last night. 

Second ring. I really should have just waited to talk to him at school. But then there’s a chance of someone overhearing us… 

Third ring. Oh shit what if he’s so pissed at me for interrupting his Friday night that he blabs to the whole school? I mean he was obviously doing something. People don’t just hang out in parks alone in the middle of the night. What if he’s actually secretly homophobic? And then he starts bullying Reiner? It’d be all my fault. I’d have to stop him. I’m pretty sure I could take him in a fight. I mean he’s tiny, I could totally- 

“Hello?” 

“Ah, hey Levi, it’s Eren. You know, Eren Jaeger.” 

“Took you long enough, jeez. Glad you’re alive I guess.” 

“Dude, I called you right when I got up!” 

“You just got up?” 

Levi was probably just trying to annoy me but goddamn it was working. “Well, no I took a shower first but I called you right after! I haven’t even gotten dressed yet!” There was an awkward pause after my outburst so I just decided to barrel on through it. “Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about last night.” 

“Yeah you were a mess. Do you even remember half of what you said?” 

“Uh, I remember some of it? I remember the important stuff I think. Like what I told you about Reiner. I just, uh…Please don’t tell anyone about it.” I think I succeeded in keeping the pleading out of my voice but I’m not really sure if I pulled it off or not. 

I heard him sigh before he answered me in a bored tone, “You already made me promise that, dumbass.” 

“I did?” 

“Yeah, right outside your house.” 

“Oh.” 

“You’re hopeless.” 

I could feel my face heating up and started getting defensive. “Look I shouldn’t have told you in the first place! It was such a dick move but I was drunk and you were there and it just happened, okay?” I paused for a second before asking, “What were you doing at that park anyway?” 

“Oh I was just in the middle of minding my own fucking business.” Levi spat back. 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry I asked!” I guess this means Levi and I aren’t as close to being friends as I thought we were. 

“As you should be. Need anything else or can I hang up on you now?” I could practically see the annoyed expression on his face when he said it. 

“Some pain killers would be nice. Maybe a therapist. I don’t know man, I kind of thought talking about it with someone would help my mind tornado to calm the fuck down but it didn’t really work.” 

“What on God’s green earth is a mind tornado?” 

“You know, when you’re like obsessing over something and you can’t think about anything else so you’re confused and your brain is going in a million directions. Like a tornado. A mind tornado.” 

“…you’re an idiot.” 

I choose to ignore his comment because I am both literally and figuratively the bigger man, and was halfway through thanking him for getting me home last night when he followed through and hung up on me. Dick. 

One hour and two aspirins later, life felt okay again so I knocked on Mikasa’s door to see if she was busy. Hanging out with my sister usually involves planning and you know, forethought, but today I was in luck. Mikasa opened the door and smiled when she saw me. She has the nicest smile. All small and soft and chill. And it’s so fucking rare. It’s like a secret blessing. 

I always regret that we don’t spend more time together. She’s just so busy being amazing and working a part time job while keeping up with her stellar grades and nagging me that she almost never has time to just hang out, ya know? When we do hang out it’s great until Mika starts giving in. 

She’s always been kind of protective of me, almost like she thinks I’m fragile or something. Which is stupid. I play football for cryin out loud! I’m manly, aka the opposite of fragile. Insert flex here. Look at them biceps. Prime. She’s always been the kind of sister that let me win when it came to games and she never really got too competitive against me. Which was sweet when we were younger but she still does it even though we’re both seniors in high school. Like Mika, quit pulling your punches. I’m a big boy, I can handle it. Especially in things like video games. She’ll let me win whenever we play Fifa or Halo and it’s all kinds of frustrating. 

I made her stop playing on the opposite team sometime last month and it’s gotten a bit better because we’re working together so she gives her all to make sure our team wins or if we’re playing online, she’ll make sure our team comes out on top. But it’s still depressing to think that I can’t beat her on my own. So today when she pulled out the Xbox controllers, I sighed. 

She shot me a questioning glance that basically screamed, “What’s wrong?” and I flopped back on her bed. Mikasa’s room is really organized and clean with neatly hung pictures and thought out furniture placement. All the furniture and bedding matches too, tans and dark browns and whites and reds. Soft and chill with a pop of color, just like Mika. Her desk is against the wall opposite her bed and is free of all the clutter that litters my desk. Instead she’s got all of her pictures of her friends and me and her in actual picture frames on her desk next to a candle and her cup full of pens. It’s impressive to think that she can spare the time to clean up her room and keep everything tidy considering how little free time she normally has. 

Of course, my mom loves it. Every time she walks into Mika’s room she calls her The Favorite Child just loud enough that I can hear her from where ever I am in the house. One time she even opened up the window in Mika’s room so she could yell at me while I was mowing the lawn. Mikasa’s not normally the type of person who would brag about things or intentionally try to mess with me but she takes being TFC very seriously and has a habit of getting on my case about my room. Armin says it’s probably because she was adopted, which makes sense I guess. 

Today instead of playing video games or complaining about my messy room, Mika and I ended up just laying on her bed. Me talking, her mostly listening, with a few comments thrown in. It’s nice. Really nice actually. In fact I’m surprised that she has so much free time tonight and asked her about it. Her eyes crinkled a bit when she answered that she’d worked the morning shift so she could have tonight off, considering she’s working tomorrow morning too. It’s a rare opportunity to have Mika for a full night so I dove right in. I told her all about practices and gave her updates on our friends and she nodded and gasped in all the right places, asking questions about a few of the people I’d mentioned. I even got her to tell me a bit about her time at the party while I was running around getting smashed. Apparently Connie had thrown up in one of the stalls in the barn and Mikasa had given him and Sasha a ride home. Her story of Connie convincing Sasha it was time to leave had me rolling on the floor laughing; apparently he’d told her that he’d hidden a baked potato in Mikasa’s backseat. Sasha had spent the entire ride searching the car for her promised potato and cried when she couldn’t find it. When I finally caught my breath Mikasa asked me about the party after she left and I gave her the quick version, including making out with Krista and walking home. After a second of hesitation, I told her about running into Levi too though I left out what the two of us had talked about. To my surprise, she wasn’t all that shocked that Levi had walked me home. 

“He’s actually really responsible. I had a group project with him in English last year and he got his part in early and it was actually really good. He was on Eld and Petra’s cases too. I’m pretty sure he’s the reason why they both turned in their parts in on time.” She explained. Huh. That’s surprising. The Levi part, not the Eld and Petra part. Eld is smart but lazy so he ends up kind of slacking on everything. Petra’s sweet but too much of a perfectionist and has a hard time working with groups. They both have been going to school with me since elementary school. That Levi could get them to get their shit together is weird and I said so to Mikasa. 

”They’re in band with him.” Mikasa said as if that explained everything. I just shrugged my shoulders and we moved on to discuss plans to convince my mom to let us order pizza for dinner tonight. By the time we’d come up with a plan, Mika would ask while I used puppy dog eyes behind her, I was feeling so good about life it was ridiculous. We didn’t even have to go find my mom to beg her for pizza because she knocked on the door of Mika’s room a few minutes later. I’d forgotten it was Saturday night until Mikasa whispered a quiet “God help us” when my mom walked through the door. 

Every Saturday night that I’m home, which nowadays isn’t many, my mom and I have the same argument. She wants me to go to church with her the next morning and I really don’t want to go. I’m just not all that sure how I feel about the whole Christianity thing. Having it shoved down my throat while wearing a collared shirt and uncomfortable shoes doesn’t really sound like my ideal Sunday morning, ya know? But my mom has some kind of crazy parental power and can get me to agree to things I’d never want to do. Most of the time I just avoid it or find an excuse to get out of it because otherwise I’m done for. 

My mom is sweet. Like she’s a spitfire and can tear me a new one in six seconds flat but she’s nice and she loves me. She’s looking out for me the best she can so I try my hardest to not be a total pain in the ass. I don’t think I do a very good job though. 

But tonight I was in such a good mood that when she came into the room wearing her most determined face and started her speech about the importance of faith, I just smiled and gave in without a fight. She paused; a little shocked, before she smiled at me. Mikasa swooped in and asked about pizza and my mom gave her a cheery “sure” before going off to order. What a world. 

This is the right way to do Saturday nights. Good family, good pizza, good everything. I felt like laughing at just about everything. 

The next morning laughing was literally the last thing I wanted to do as my mom shook me awake at 7 fucking AM. I groaned into my pillow and tried desperately to fall back asleep but Carla (that’s my mom’s name, I call her by her first name when she’s annoying me or when I want to annoy her) is fucking relentless because service is at 8 and “dammit Eren we are not going to be late again!” I mean she has good reason to be all over my ass about getting up. I’m not gonna lie. I have a _slight_ tendency to show up like ten minutes into the sermon looking like I was just hit by a truck so I get it. 

Church is just so hard to get motivated for, especially the early service. I spend most of it questioning the entire church and what it stands for, question everything kids, while my mom sits quietly beside me, nodding every so often. I wish she was more skeptical. Hell I wish this whole town was more skeptical. Fuck Texas man. I can’t really talk to anyone here about it. Well, I guess I could talk to Mikasa or Armin but Mika’s always busy with work and I don’t want to ruin the little time I actually get to spend with her by talking about religion. And Armin, well he’s a step above me. Okay he’s like ten steps above me. The toppest of top tiers. Talking to him about anything like religion or politics or feminism is draining. He leaves you in the dust. 

Normally I’d talk to Jean about something like this but his dad is the pastor so yeah. No thank you. Like, “Oh hey buddy! Pal! Best Friend! I’m having some serious doubts about the religion that has been the foundation for your entire life! Let’s talk about it!” L-O-fucking-L. 

So instead of complaining, I just rolled myself out of bed and shrugged on my khakis and a green polo because “green brings out your eyes, Eren,” thanks Carla, and tried to wrestle my hair into something that looks less like a drunk porcupine. It’s a lost cause honestly, but it’s the thought that counts right? The cons of dress shoes include the fact that they are so damn uncomfortable, like dude would it kill you to put a little more arch support in these? But their one and only pro is that they make a hell of a lot of noise when you walk down the stairs and since it is wholly unfair that Mikasa gets to sleep in this morning, I use my loud ass shoes to make going downstairs the biggest production of my life. I’m a great brother. The best really. 

My mom gives me a disapproving look as she heads to the garage and gets into the drivers side of her Avalon. Gotta take a moment, gear myself up for the possible end of my life as I get into the passenger side because wow Carla is such a bad driver. She’s got a foot of lead, I swear. She’s always critiquing my driving despite the fact that year alone she’s hit three mailboxes and one gate that she “didn’t realize wasn’t open!” Seriously I love my mom but I also am a really big fan of you know, breathing. 

One absolutely nerve-wracking car ride later and we’re walking into church with all of the other families that are just barely on time. Seeing all of the people going to church as a family kind of makes me wish the rest of my family was here. If only so they could suffer along with me. Mikasa works Sunday from 9-3 so she always skips church and my dad spends more time at the hospital than at home so it’s not all that surprising that he doesn’t come with us to church. It’s kind of shitty because my dad is even more pious than my mom so if anyone in the family would enjoy an hour long session at church, it’s him. I’d ask him why he doesn’t go to church with us, like take Sunday mornings off or something, but honestly, I don’t care enough about the answer to sit through the lecture he’ll give me if I ask. Question everything isn’t really something he approves of. 

Not for the last time I wished that Mikasa didn’t have to work. Having someone to crack jokes with while sitting in the back row makes church a lot more bearable. Unfortunately, all of my friends go to the later service, like normal people. Well, except for Jean. He goes to both services, always sits right up front, and I know that if I could get his attention for long enough I could convince him to come sit in the back with me. But he never checks his phone during the sermon and since his father has already started speaking, there’s no way Jean will turn around to catch my eye. Being the pastor’s son makes you take this stuff a lot more seriously, I guess. 

I’m stuck sitting with my mom in the back, watching as she leafs through the hymn book and the bible they put in our pew trying to follow along with the passages Father Kirstein mentions. She noticed me watching and sent a solid glare my way, which was as effective as a threat. So I tried. Really tried. Like actually made an effort. I spent a full five minutes attempting to pay attention to Father Kirstein’s sermon. Sat up straight, eyes front, phone locked. But as Jean’s old man continued droning on and on about this one time that Jesus said he could heal somebody and every one else said he couldn’t but then he did, wow who’d have guessed, I could feel my thoughts drift away from him. Well that’s that. There’s no coming back once you’ve dropped off. I slowly reached into my pocket to grab my phone, hoping my mom wouldn’t notice. Carla’s got eyes like a fuckin hawk though and before I could even get my whole hand into my pocket, she rapped the back of my knuckles with her bible. The thump that came along with her blow earned us a glare from Father Kirstein but he didn’t miss a beat before he was back to preaching. 

Determined to keep myself entertained I spent the next twenty minutes making up stories for the people around us. The lady two rows ahead of us, with the redish purpleish dress? She’s got five cats and three lovers. The man five people down from us is definitely involved with the mob. He comes to church to try to repay his debts with the Lord. The toddler sitting on her dad’s lab diagonally across from us can speak to animals. He father is a nervous wreck trying to keep it a secret which explains the massive sweat stains in his pits. 

Unfortunately there’s only so much creativity that my brain can take before I get lazy and then bored so for the rest of the sermon I combed through the Bible, counting the number of times it used the word ass, leg bouncing, itching to get out of the church. By the end of the service I was wound up tighter than a fucking spring. I basically dragged my mom out as soon as I could and she complained the entire time about how she wanted to talk to her church friends. See the thing about my mom is that despite being a complete hardass when it came to her one and only dear son, Carla is actually pretty well liked. If we’d stayed, she would have ended up talking to her friends for hours. Sorry mom, I can’t deal with that today. Even the short ride home had me feeling antsy and the wearing on my nerves that came with Carla’s driving was making me feel like I was about to explode. The minute I stepped out of mom’s car I started shedding clothes. By the time I got inside the house I was only in my khakis and socks, belt and polo slug over my arm, shoes in hand. 

As soon as I walked inside my room I ditched the khakis. Threw on some soccer shorts and a tshirt, grabbed my sneakers, snatched my headphones from my nightstand, and hit the pavement. Coach would be proud. 

Running is great. You sweat out all your problems and your legs start to ache but it’s the good kind of ache and you feel all fit and healthy for the rest of the day. 

Running is also some serious bullshit. Your lungs start to ache and it’s not the good kind of ache and people around town can look out their windows and see you so you have to run at a decent pace to make sure they don’t judge you and five miles in you realize that yay! you’ve sweated out all of your problems except one and that one is that you’re now five miles away from your house and your shower and your couch. 

By the time I got back to my neighborhood I was more than a little exhausted. But the entire Lenz family, Krista included had been outside when I ran past their house so naturally I had to buck up and lengthen my stride. Strut my stuff or whatever. Eren the goddamn peacock. Which meant I was basically sprinting past their lawn trying to look as cool as possible with sweat pouring down my back and my face turning red from exhaustion. Man I don’t know how sprinters train because I felt ready to pass out after I got out of the Lenz family line of sight but I still had another mile to go before I could collapse on my bed. 

The universe has a funny way of doing exactly what I don’t want it to do right after I do something I’m supposed to. Like Karma for me is so tricky because one second I’m messing up so the universe messes me up but the next second I’m helping some old lady cross the street and then getting hit by a guy on a bike. That happened my sophomore year of high school. I had a tire track bruise up my left side for a week and a half. Today the universe must have noticed that I didn’t even last ten minutes in church so it decided to spite me on God’s behalf. 

Parked in my driveway, blocking the Explorer in, was a huge ass gold Yukon that could only belong to one person. I briefly considered running away, fight or fucking flight and all that, but my legs kind of felt like they were made of jell-o instead of actual muscle so I sucked in a breath and tried to calm myself down. For his part, Reiner stood beside the SUV, waiting for me to come to him. I probably looked like a scared animal in his eyes. He waved to me with a cheery “Hey Eren!” and his voice immediately helped me to calm down a bit. It’s an unconscious reaction that I picked up from football. On the field and in practice I know that Reiner has always got my back. 

It’s crazy really. Reiner says everything is okay and I automatically believe him. Like, I’m wary sure, but not nervous enough to duck out or throw a punch. Which is probably a good thing because I’m not too confident that I could take Reiner in a fight. 

My breathing had calmed though my heart was still going through backflips so I muttered to it to quit flippin shit and nodded to Reiner. He followed behind me into my house and up the stairs without another word. First door on the right is open. That’s Mikasa’s room and Reiner pops his head into her door to see if she’s home while I open the first door to the left. AKA my room AKA the best room. I collapsed in my desk chair because there’s no way I’m getting my bed all sweaty, as Reiner used his foot to move some clothes out of his way and sat down on the edge of my mattress. If I wasn’t so exhausted from my run I would have been stiff as a board, vaguely aggressive. Instead I slumped in my chair, boneless and tired. 

My brain didn’t get that memo though and was trying to go into overdrive, meaning my emotions were a fucking storm but my body was just too worn out to show it. Felt like a straight up mess. 

Reiner was sitting on my bed messing with his nails nervously and it was a strange sight. He’s normally so confident, so sure of himself, but here he is, avoiding looking at me while he studied my room like it was the most interesting place in the world. We sat in a stalemate, neither of us saying anything when Reiner’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and glanced at the screen. A small smile smoothed his features and he seemed to take heart from it. Reiner leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, finally looking me in the eye. “Okay so just let me talk at you for a second, dude.” He paused for a second and I gave him a nod as a sign to go on. He took a deep breath before he launched into a speech about how it’s not really a big deal and it’s totally normal. He was trying to be sound confident and sure of himself but every word was tinged with fear. He kept trying to spout statistics and facts but it was tripping him up so bad. After his third botched fact Reiner hung his head, “Dude I’m freaking the fuck out. I wasn’t planning to tell anyone. I was just going to go to college on a big ass football scholarship and get the hell out of Texas. But then this shit happens and I’m tripping over myself and I just keep thinking about it. Like oh man could you imagine if the team found out? Coach? My fucking parents? They’d disown me, oh God. You should have seen me Friday night. My room has a massive hole in the wall shaped just like my fist, thank God my parents weren’t home, and when I didn’t hear from you yesterday I got even more nervous and worried so I decided to come and talk to you and dude please, please don’t tell anybody.” 

Reiner was talking about a mile a minute and I could barely keep up with him but I got the general idea. Here’s the thing: I’ve known Reiner all my life. We grew up together. Played on the same team together. Took swimming lessons, surfing lessons, driving lessons together. We’ve dealt with Jean’s stupid heartbreaks and Connie’s idiotic plans together for years. People used to called us the Dream Team. But this? This is beyond me. It just feels like everything I know about him is wrong, is changed, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Like when did this start? When did he change? Did I notice it? Or was it business as usual? And it sucks because normally if I had a problem like this, I would go to Reiner. Now I’m alone and confused and unsure. 

I’ve been looking at anything but his face since he started his speech but when I looked him in the eye and all I can see is the image of him and that guy, like it’s been burned into my brain. I looked back down at the floor because to be honest, it’s easier. I know it’s a cop out. I know I’m being a coward. But for the second time in three days, I decided to run from the problem. 

“You should go.” It’s hard to begin to form the words, but easy to push them out after I start. 

Reiner is just staring at me, his face six shades paler than when he got here, for once he’s speechless. 

I can’t look at him. 

So I don’t. 

Eventually he stands up and walks to my bedroom door. I feel awful. Like I’m going to pass out or throw up or both. So I say the only thing that will ease my anxiety. “I won’t tell anyone.” 

He nods, mute until further notice and walks out of my house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> annnnnnnd the slowest writer on the planet returns! the plan is to update this on the first friday of every month. lol missed the first one. wanted to wait for ereri week to end, ya feel?
> 
> mad props to my English major friend Shaina who normally only reads HP fanfics. she took a leap with me and ended up texting me with "I'm emotionally attached now! You can't end it here!" So yeah sorry about the end of the chapter. all about them cliff hangers.
> 
> come bother me on tumblr bicyclestandard.tumblr.com
> 
> anyway, comments and kudos and shares and stuff are so so so so appreciated and have really helped me get through my shitty cases of writers block


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You must learn how to hold a team together. You must lift some men up, calm others down, until finally they've got one heartbeat. Then you've got yourself a team. -Bear Bryant

When something major happens in my life I expect change. I anticipate a difference in the world around me. Some significant alteration in the grand scheme of my surroundings. After all, it’s only natural that the outside reflects the inside, right? Wrong. Ignoring the fact that the word alteration wasn’t even in my vocabulary until Armin gave me it’s definition last spring, let’s move on to the situation at hand. I’ve lost one of my oldest and best friends over the course of three days. All it took was one awkward encounter and one shitty conversation and a constant in my life is now gone. It sucks. I can feel it weighing on my mind and I feel like it should weigh in on the world around me too. Like how it is in sci-fi movies or something. I change so everything else changes. In the movies, the main character would use a time machine to change something small and seemingly insignificant at the time and it’ll lead to the fight with friend being erased from time. And someimes a massive robot dog revolution in the future. Well I’ve changed something big and important; where’s my big and important altered reality? Okay so I don’t have a time machine and though I’m seriously considering adding rushing into the locker room to my time machine list, the situation isn’t really the same but something major just happened to me and I want the world around me to reflect that. 

It’s making me angsty, honestly. 

But Monday morning dawned bright and early and so goddamn normal that it reminded me for everyone else, nothing has changed. Sure, I was kinda off at the party but I’m a moody guy. People have known that about me since I was ten years old. It’s not something my friends give a shit about anymore. They know that generally, if they give me a few days I’ll bounce right back to my normal cocky, douchebag self. Monday I wake up just like I always do, early enough to roll out of bed and run through my stupid little morning routine: Stand in front of the mirror. Toothbrush. Tooth paste. Flex. Pee. Shake off. Rinse. Run my fingers through my hair, before heading off to early morning workouts. Workouts are forever the same. Too much work and not enough motivation. Every Monday through Wednesday of my high school life. I feel like I’m going crazy. Monday morning literally slapped me in the face with routine. Ouch. Get me out of here. 

5am workouts aren’t even spiced up with a little bit of awkwardness because the defense is split up from the offense. Coach is still making me complete the most ridiculous workout man has ever created, the underclassmen are still way too excited to be there, the weight room is still overflowing with testosterone. I feel sick. Coach assumes my lack of positivity and slightly green face is a result of the workout faxed directly from Satan himself and only laughs at my surly attitude and gagging motions. Sometimes I seriously consider socking Coach, a solid hit right to the jaw, his eyes would bug out a bit, but I’m pretty sure I’d get my ass handed to me. I may have the advantage when it comes to height and lack of wrinkles, but Coach has a really scrappy look to him. I bet he uses crotch shots. Cheap. 

To be honest, the morning is kind of disappointing. I mean, normally I really like having a routine, knowing what I’m doing, but it felt like the universe was telling me just how insignificant my life is. ‘Oh Eren, you had a big moment? Well guess what. No one gives a shit.’ Thanks dude. 

First period on B-Days is discrete math. So normally I hate math and everything even vaguely related to it, you can thank my sophomore Algebra teacher for that, what a fucking bitch, but discrete is taught by Ms. Anka who is by far the easiest teacher in this entire school. I picked discrete over calculus in a heartbeat once I heard Ms. Anka was teaching it this year. I wanted a chill senior year. Gotta stay focused on not giving a shit about anything that isn’t football, food, or fun. Real talk: I could literally eat three whole pizzas by myself if I wanted to. Growing boy and all that. Connie is in this class with me and man, I always knew he wasn’t really book smart, but wow the guy’s an idiot. Like so much of this work is basic math that it’s not even funny but Connie’s over here seriously sweating it. Thank whatever the fuck controls Connie’s fate because Ms. Anka apparently loves football players. She keeps letting him redo work on homework and in class quizzes so that he ends up with a passing grade. It generally only takes him five attempts. Guy’s screwed when we start having tests. 

Connie is such a good dude though. We became friends when he first moved here in seventh grade. I was assigned to show around this weird little kid with a shaved head and braces and Jesus, I really didn’t want to. The very second I met him he started chattering away about all this random ass stuff and I tried my hardest to just block everything out. I didn’t even see the baseball coming towards me until after he’d jumped up into the air and caught it. It was fly as hell. After that I gave the kid a second look and introduced him to Reiner and Jean. They loved him of course. Reiner was already pretty excitable and having a bundle of energy like Connie around only amplified his craziness. Jean was just excited to have someone else to play soccer with. We were all on the soccer team in middle school but Reiner quit in 8th grade, Jean our freshmen year, and finally me our sophomore year. Connie’s the only one that stuck through it. Which is great because he’s the best center mid on the team. Kid’s got some great footwork and energy to spare. When the football team’s kicker graduated last year I basically forced Connie to try out. I like to think that’s a prime example of me being a leader. Captain looking out for the team. Always. 

Anyway, most of my classes this year are super chill. I only had to take three specific ones this year, senior English, Latin III, and Chemistry. Chemistry is obviously a serious bitch but my other classes aren’t too bad. The rest of the slots only had guidelines like you need to take a math class, a history class, two electives, and a TA period. So I got to fill my schedule with as many easy classes as I wanted. I filled one of my electives with Weight Lifting because sometimes I try to be on Coach’s good side and sucking up to him in class is a great way to do that. Also it’s a class that is really easy to skip because Coach seriously doesn’t give a shit so I don’t feel guilty for ditching at all. My other elective is my second period on B-Days and it’s art. So with six easy classes and one mind numbing TA period, I feel like I can handle Chemistry. Plus you know, I have to handle it because I’d like to graduate sooner rather than later. 

Fun fact though: I really suck at art. Like my version of the Mona Lisa would be a stick figure without eyebrows. Lucky for me Ms. “Just call me Mina,” is the art teacher here at East and she’s only a few years out of college. She’s young and fresh and naïve, which works really well with my supreme ability to bullshit my way through life. Since it’s a senior art class Just Mina is trying to make it like the studio art classes she took in college. All you have to do is turn in and present a project every Friday we have class. So that’s one thing every two weeks. Basically an instant A. I’ve been working on filling up a piece of paper with a bunch of triangles in different sizes. The plan is to pretend it’s about individualism. Grade A bullshit material right there. After my first vague attempt to explain my art Just Mina walks by my table every now and again and peeks over my shoulder and nods appreciatively. I love art. Once the bell rang for lunch I shoved my triangles into the folder in the back of the classroom with my name on it and made my escape. 

Lunch at East is spent one of three ways. 

Option 1: Stay in a classroom and work on whatever the fuck you need to work on so that you can maybe pass that class. Aka the lame and responsible option. 

Option 2: Go out into the woods behind the 400 building and get blazed with all your stoner friends. Aka the illegal and stupid option. Like seriously get your shit together. Or at least wait until you’re off school property. I’ve been known to bend the rules, and occasionally the law, but I’ve never smoked weed before. Nothing against people that have or do but it doesn’t really seem like my game. Especially not at school. That’s like asking to get caught. 

Option 3: Eat lunch in your car with your friends. Aka the against-the-rules-but-not-really-illegal option. Jean, Connie, Krista, and Mikasa all have lunch with me so we’ve been popping up the hatchback trunk on the Explorer and folding down the backseat so we can all fit. The parking lot is technically off limits to students during the school day but none of the teachers ever really seem to care. Top tier educators. 

That’s one of my favorite things about East. Like, there are rules here but they’re so outweighed by tradition that no one follows or enforces them. Sure, newbie teachers will try for their first month or so but in the end they always give up. Ignoring school rules to follow tradition. True school spirit right there. 

Tradition is something I take very seriously. Big on routine too. I mean, I want things to change and I want things to be exciting and shit but I think it’s really important to know who you are, who came before you, and where you stand because of them. At school I know all of those things. I’m Eren Jaeger, quarterback for the football team. The football team at East Trost created a tradition for me to work with and through, from the motto we shout before games to the track record we leave behind. I’m one of the best because of the legacy left behind by those before me demands it. It’s my job as starting quarterback, QB 1, to lead this team to protect our past, present, and future. By protecting the team, I’m protecting myself and creating my own legacy. So a lot of this is selfishness. What can I say, I’m kind of a big deal. 

I can actually feel myself getting up in my head again. Ugh. Someone stop me. 

The rest of my day was textbook. Completely normal. Goofing off with Jean in weight lifting, sorting music for the sadistic old man in the band room, shoving a sandwich into my mouth before heading to the locker room to change for practice. Levi even skipped band today so I didn’t get to have an existential crisis over that visual reminder of Friday night. Don’t get me wrong, I like normal. Like I said, I’m a fan of routine. But this felt… suspicious. Too normal I guess? I felt like the universe was up to something. Because clearly, fucking with Eren Jaeger is one of the universe’s favorite pastimes. I was seriously debating just skipping practice and hiding out in a bomb shelter or something but I’m a captain and I just know those little fuckers will slack off without me there to keep them in line. And then Coach will yell at me because as QB it’s my job to take responsibility for the team. Plus, you know, I’m not in elementary school anymore and have actually grown some kind of a backbone since then so I figured I could take whatever the universe can dish out. 

I was wrong. 

So fucking wrong. Add that practice to the Time Machine list in underlined bold letters. 

Our offense does a lot of practice drills with the defense. It makes sense, right? That way you can run full plays and figure out how they would work in at a game pace. Great idea, yeah? No. It’s an awful idea. Especially when the keystone of your defense is super pissed at the keystone of your offense. I’d thought that Reiner would be more sad or scared than angry. I was wrong. He’s way past the sad or scared part. 

He’s just angry. 

One minute everything is normal, we’re just running plays, figuring out our moves, improving ones we fucked up on Friday, and the next second I’m flat on my back. I can feel the bruises starting to form from the tackle and fall but it’s football so while yeah, I don’t get laid out very often, it’s not something too out of the ordinary. So I picked myself back up and shook it off while Jean laughed. I didn’t expect it to happen a second time. 

Spoiler alert: it did. 

The second time it happened Jean called out to Connie, who was practicing kicks over by the goal post, to tell him about the “absolute hell of a spill Jaeger just took!” A growl from Coach gets him back in line but I can tell that Jean doesn’t think too much of it. But the fifth time it happens it causes a shift. Jean is starting to get annoyed. By the tenth time he’s pissed. The next time I’m hit he takes it as a personal insult as he helps me haul my ass off the ground. In the end I got sacked so many times in the forty minutes we spend on the drill that I’m going to have bruises on top of my bruises. Coach kept having us run the drill to see if the offensive line could get it together and protect me like they’re supposed to. Jean looked ready to murder by the time we separated from the defense. 

When Coach finally blew his whistle to signal the end of practice I was so relieved I could have cried. The team gathered around for a final talk from Coach and no one is surprised at the utter verbal thrashing he gives the offensive line. After the rest of the team disbands I only have to survive a quick captains meeting with the coaches and I’m free to crawl away. Metaphorically. Sort of. I was limping my way back to the Explorer after getting yelled at a little more, purposefully lagging a few steps behind Reiner, when I felt someone tug on my shirt and say a quiet “Ew.” 

I turned to see Krista behind me giving her hand a disgusted look before she looked up to address me. “Well?” 

“Well, what?” I asked a little confused. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me out or something?” I always forget just how blunt Krista can be. When I didn’t answer right away she took a step forward and right into my personal space, wrinkling her nose a little. Not sure why she’s surprised, I mean, I did just come from practice. No fucking roses coming from me. 

“I wasn’t planning on it.” I said, taking a small step back. “I thought you and me were just, you know, casual.” It came out sounding a little bitter but whatever. I don’t have time to play games with Krista right now. I just want to go home, eat some dinner and take a shath. Maybe jack off if I’m feeling it. Anything to make this day feel a little better. 

“I’ll give you some time to think about it.” She said sagely and sauntered off towards the parking lot with me trailing behind her. Love to see her leave _and_ love to watch her go. 

The bruises from practice kept me tossing and turning for most of the night and I showed up for the Tuesday morning workout late and exhausted. I’m not really sure how I made it through the actual workout but if I had to guess I’d say it was probably a mixture of Gatorade and sheer willpower. I decided to stay behind the rest of the team as they went to the locker room to change and instead went straight out to my car. I didn’t really feel like getting made fun of when I’m feeling this shitty and I know that Jean and the others would probably get a good laugh over how battered I actually am. I act really tough but man, I bruise like a fuckin peach. Reiner really did a number on me. 

The bruises on my back and ass kept me from getting comfortable in the awful excuse for a desk that my US teacher uses so by the time the bell rang for us to go to our next class, I was severely lacking sleep and cranky as all get out. I trudged to Chemistry, flopped down into my seat and laid my head down on my arms. I had exactly 3 minutes and 24 seconds before class actually starts and I was hoping to take the fastest power nap ever before Brzenska noticed me. I had just managed to fall asleep when a notebook slapped into the back of my head, waking me up. 

Now I’m not a complete idiot. I know that there are only two people in this room capable of such a cruel act. One of them I can probably get away with ignoring so there’s a 50/50 chance that this will work out in my favor. I like those odds. So I covered the back of my head with my hands and kept my head down. 

“Mr. Jaeger, your lab partner is missing and your head is down. Can I assume you have whatever is affecting Mr. Ackerman.” The words were accompanied by another smack of the notebook as it hit the hands protecting my head. I stifled a groan of pure frustration and pulled my head up. 

“No, ma’am. Do you want me to call him?” She looked at my face for a moment and I guess she decided that I looked broken enough because all she did was shake her head in disgust and hand me the day’s assignment. As I got to work she kept an eye on me but I didn’t feel like causing trouble today. Too tired. Honestly though, I can’t believe Levi is skipping again. Seriously, if I can make it school in this condition, then you can too. He missed yesterday too. Like, dude, are you ever planning to show up again? Geez, I hope he isn’t avoiding me. He didn’t sound too happy over the phone the other day. I mean, he doesn’t really sound happy normally so I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. Oh shit, I bet I know why he isn’t here. It’s because I said I’d give him the notes. What a dick. That’s totally taking advantage. 

During Latin I showed Jean some of my more impressive pictures of clouds shaped like dicks, I’ve been collecting since my sophomore year, which was just enough to make my poor innocent Latin teacher separate the two of us. That probably would have been enough to get us to calm down if I didn’t hate the world so much and he wasn’t such an asshole. Instead we just kept calling out to each other from across the room while working on the translation she gave us. In our defense, she did say we could choose our own partners. He may have been sitting across the room but Jean is my #1 choice for a partner any day. Best bro for life. 

Dude, he is such a weirdo though. Like his family is this awkward mix of progressive and conservative that that makes them super strange but Jean like, transcends that to a whole new level of weird. He is the king of weird. Ask him to goof off in a class like US history or snark Brzenska and he’ll call you an idiot and whack the back of your head. Speaking from personal experience here. But during Latin or practice or something he’s the main troublemaker. I’m just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire. Okay maybe not innocent, but I’m definitely only the sidekick. I want him to just fuck around with me all the time, get your mind out of the gutter, but it’s only when he knows he won’t get in too much trouble that he actually will. Armin calls it prudence. I call it being lame. One time I called him out on it but he just called me a suicidal bastard and punched me in the chest. Rude as fuck if you ask me. I mean he’s kind of right, but it’s still rude. The only person on the team that gets in more trouble than me is Connie and that’s because Connie is actually stupid. Like, I’m honestly wondering if he sold his soul to the devil to pass his first three years of high school. Kid’s got a heart of gold though. 

Once Latin ended I only had to get through English and to be honest, I just completely zoned out the entire class. One second I’m barely paying attention to the teacher reading Heart of Darkness and the next second the bell is ringing and I’m pushing through the door of the locker room to change for practice. I was still kind of dazed and it took me a moment to notice that Jean was staring at me while I was changing shirts. He was gaping at my chest, who can blame him, I have excellent muscles, you should see my back, so I wiggled my eyebrows up and down and gave him a smirky grin. “Like what you see?” 

His eyes flicked up to my face and he furrowed his eyebrows, “Not really, no.” I glanced down and only then remembered just how battered my body actually was. Jean looked confused and a little angry at the sight of the purple and yellow bruises. It’s a source of personal pride for the offensive line that I’m one of the top quarterbacks in the country. Because if I’m good, it means they’re good. Being a quarterback is all about making decisions and judgment calls but it’s pretty hard to throw the ball when you’re getting the shit knocked out of you. It’s the O-line’s job to get me that time. It’s their job to protect me. Any bruises I get are a direct representation of how well they’re doing their job and Jean takes more seriously than any of the other guys.

I walked out of the locker room with Jean but we separated once we got outside and I jogged my way over to Coach. The sunglasses he was wearing don’t usually mean anything but since Coach was in an extra pissed off mood, I figured he was probably pretty hungover this morning. To mentally prepare myself for the barrage of insults about to come my way, I looked around the field taking in the sight of my team. Reiner was going over tackles with a few of the sophomore defensive players. Jean had pulled the starting O-line together and was giving them some kind of pep talk. Connie was trying to do a handstand not too far off. My eyes went back to Reiner for a second and I forced the guilt in my throat back down and made my way over to Coach. 

After a thirty second conversation in which Coach called me about five different names, I determined that Coach was definitely still pissed at the world so I politely told him to let up. QB’s job is to do the tough jobs no one else wants to do. He told me we were starting off with the drill that beat me up last practice as retaliation. This time though, the offense stayed strong and during the entire drill I was only hit twice. Coach had us run the play for nearly an hour, waiting for me to get knocked flat on my ass again but eventually he gave up and switched his focus to terrorizing some poor sophomores instead. Once he called us off to work on another drill Jean clapped me on the back and gave Reiner a smug grin that Reiner tried to be mad about but ended up laughing at. That’s True Friendship right there. A quick speech from the top of the half wall and Coach dismissed us from practice. Reiner didn’t spare me a single glance throughout the speech despite Coach mentioning me and the defense at least four times and Reiner pushed his way into the locker room right when the speech ended. It was such a turn around from the way he was joking around with Jean that Jean walked in after him with a confused look on his face glancing over he shoulder at me. I just shrugged. At some point I really should come up with a good excuse for Reiner to be ignoring me. 

Wednesday is one of the most boring days of the week and even though I normally can and will sleep through all of my B-day classes, today my bruises kept me awake. So I’m still tired. And still cranky. And low key considering stabbing Connie with a pencil by the end of art. So I decided to skip weight lifting. Clearly I am a model student. The top tier. I’m feeling extra dickish today so I’ll go to practice. One of the best ways to piss off Coach: skip his class, show up to his practice. It’s like telling him “your class is a joke” right to his face. I mean, he knows it’s a joke so it doesn’t really surprise him but he doesn’t like other people pointing it out. I settled in on the rooftop in my lawn chair and tried my best to relax, breathe in, breathe out, and forget all my worries. 

Truth is, I kind of feel like shit for what I said to Reiner. He’s one of my best friends and I fucking ditched him for liking dick. I mean being gay is normal, right? Like it’s not a disease or something, yeah? What kind of friend am I? I do this a lot. I explode, fucking blow up. I’m pissed for a few days and I really let things get to me but give me a little while and I chill out. I calm all the way down and can start thinking like a normal person again. It also means that I have to do some serious clean up. It’s why I have such a hard time holding grudges I guess. You’d have to do something crazy to get me to legitimately hate you forever. Like kill my mom or something. That’s how bad it’d have to be. But, anyway how would I even apologize for something like that? ‘Oh hey, guess you did really knock some sense into me on Monday! Sorry for being such a shit person/friend!’ 

The bell rang before I could come up with an acceptable way to get my life together and skipping more than one class a day is a little too hardcore for me. Besides it would probably take me another ten years of thinking on the roof to figure out a good plan to get Reiner to not hate me anymore. 

I got to the band room just as the bell rang and made my way to the file cabinets in the back barely bothering to acknowledge the smile Erwin sent my way. Guy’s nice but he’s too perfect. I feel like if I talked to him today he’d see right through me, like he’d look at my face and know every shit thing I’ve ever done. I plopped down with my back to the rest of the class and tried to block out the sounds of everyone warming up. I’m determined to finish sorting this music before the end of the month. Yeah, right. I’d need a miracle for that to happen. Maybe I’ll _accidentally_ set a fire and half of the sheets will burn. I was pretty focused on trying to make some goddamn progress made that I didn’t notice someone coming up behind me until a voice said “Technically the marimba is a percussion instrument so you should put it’s parts with the drum parts.” 

“Jesus, Levi, don’t sneak up on me like that!” I said clutching a hand to my heart. Can seventeen year olds get heart attacks? Because I’m pretty sure I’m having one right now. Levi gave me a scathing look and pointed to the trumpet parts. 

“Also there are trumpet 1, 2, and 3 parts so you should separate them instead of lumping them all together in a pile.” He said, still pointing. My eyes followed the direction of his finger and spread out the sheets of music. He was right; there are definitely three different trumpet parts but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction so I looked back up at him, there’s a first time for everything I guess, with my best attempt at a blank look. His eyes narrowed for a moment before he crouched down and sorted the music himself. When Levi finished he got up and walked away and I assumed he wasn’t coming back. I was wrong though because just as I’d gotten back to work he reappeared with a book and a shirt in hand. He cleared a space on the floor with his foot and laid the shirt down, settling back against one of the file cabinets. I wanted to say something snarky, dude had his knees drawn up like a little kid plus he’s like four feet tall, but I doubt I would have gotten anything other than a leveled glare and that’s not really worth it. He didn’t even look at me when he got comfortable, just opened up his book and zoned out. Must have been a good book. I shook my head and got back to work. 

My freshmen year of high school I took an elective class called Teen Living. Straight up, it was dumb. Like really fucking stupid. The entire class was like how to work a stove and sew two pieces of cloth together and change a diaper. Mom made me take it. But the one part of it that I actually thought was a little bit interesting was the child development unit. It was cool because they outline when a baby can start moving its hands and fingers and we talked about different types of play in toddlers and shit. I don’t know, I just thought it was kind of cool. You can still see the effects on people now. Like right now, Levi and I are rocking a thing called parallel play. It’s when two kids are hanging out and playing and stuff but they’re not necessarily playing with each other. Just near each other. It shows that they’re comfortable. Weirdly enough I _was_ comfortable having Levi with me. It was really chill, you know? Just two separate dudes doing two separate things. It kind of helped me to stay focused too. So we finished out the rest of class just getting work done and I managed to get my mind back to a chill place from my minor implosion on the roof. Levi didn’t say a word to me until Pixis called for everyone to start packing up. He just looked up and asked if we could go over the Chem stuff he’d been missing sometime this weekend. I send him an award winning smile and a diss to his attendance record, which made him roll his eyes, and suggested getting together on Sunday. He just gave me a curt nod and walked off. New friends, man. 

On Thursday Brzenska sent me out of class again. Second time this week she’s caught me napping. I should have probably been more worried about it since Levi isn’t here again but as I was walking out of the room I made eye contact with Sasha. She shot me a quick text saying that she’d let me borrow her notes from the day and I left the room feeling a lot better than I honestly should have. On a side note, I’m starting to become a little concerned with Levi’s attendance policy. How can he get away with missing so many classes? I guess it’s not really any of my business though. Anyway, since I’d actually done something wrong this time I didn’t go to Coach’s classroom. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll never find out. Full field suicides on very little sleep are always a bad idea. Instead I made my way back to the roof. Thursdays are thinking days. 

Last week I was up here freaking out about the game, being a leader, earning respect. This week I know we have the game in the bag, especially with the way Reiner’s been playing in practice this week, everyone knows I’m the guy who’s going to lead us to victory; I’ve earned the respect I wanted. But overall not a lot has really changed. I lost a friend, gained a sort of friend. Basically balanced. Still have a game tomorrow, still have practice tonight, still have plans with Mikasa after practice. I’m feeling okay though. I feel like I’ve made some kind of a breakthrough since yesterday. 

That night after Mika and I finished dominating an online Halo match and right before I went to bed I sent out the night-before-a-game text to my part of the team. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Straight up. The next morning I woke up insanely fired up. A full nine hours of sleep and no morning practice had me so pumped up and raring to go that for the first time in forever, I jumped out of bed without hitting snooze once. The team always gets dressed up for away games and I actually took the time to make myself look halfway decent. Added some (old) spice to the morning routine. That’s a ten out of ten pun. I should tell Jean about it in Latin. Anyway, when I left the bathroom that morning, Mikasa was opening the door to her room. She caught sight of me looking all suave and cool in my navy button up with the sleeves rolled up to my elbow and my favorite pair of khakis that make my ass look pretty damn good, if I say so myself, and she let out a low whistle. I struck a quick pose for her, gotta appease my adoring fans you know, and she laughed quietly before coming over to fix my sleeves. She’s got this secret talent for getting both sides completely even. Top tier sister, right here. Perfection incarnate. 

Away games have such a different feeling compared to home games. The school’s atmosphere is different I guess. For the players it’s a little more serious during the school day but gets more light hearted after the last bell rings. Home games feel opposite. We’re going off to represent our school, our family. Our reputation is on the line. While school is in session there are constant reminders of what we’re fighting for. The teachers, the students, hell even the buildings themselves are all part of our school’s legacy. No one wants to disappoint them. So we take the game a little more seriously. For home games we wear our jerseys to school and life is like a party. For away games we get a little more dressed up. Coach calls it an “outward representation of inner dedication.” Geez, that phrase gives me chills. It’s perfect. I think he’d have been a good writer. The first time I heard him say it I was a little freshmen, new to everything including using my brain so I didn’t really get what it meant for us or why it was important. But I’m a good four years older now and I think I understand what he’s saying. 

And it helps. Getting dressed up I mean. I can focus on the here and now so much better on away Fridays than on home Fridays. All day I was on my game and I’m thinking at least some of the credit goes to my snazzy outfit. In art Just Mina loved my weird triangle shape project and I killed the presentation that went with it. Lunch went really well too. Okay basically Krista hasn’t tried to talk to me about asking her out again and I don’t want to say I’m relieved, but dude, I’m so fucking relieved. Krista is great, really great, and I’d love to go out and/or make out with her sometime but dating someone during football season would be hard. Also distracting. And it’s not like I have a lot of free time right now anyway. Excuses excuses. Anyway, I spent weight lifting talking strategy with Jean and Coach. When Jean and I stop messing with each other long enough to concentrate, we make a great team. I see the big picture and he sees the small details and when I leave for my next class I can’t help but think that we’ve got this game in the bag. Southwest Mitras is going down. 

I got to the band room just in time for class to start and the first thing I noticed as I made my way over to the file cabinets was that Levi was already sitting in my corner. He’d brought a towel with him this time and was nose deep in another book when I set my book bag down. He looked up then and gave me the smallest wave in the world, basically just lifted his hand, but a wave nonetheless. I threw a grin his way and got to work. We didn’t talk much, just him occasionally pointing out my mistakes when I got too focused on the game ahead instead of the sheets in front of me and me occasionally swearing under my breath when I realized that yes, Levi’s right I have been mixing up the trumpet and the trombone parts. It was good. He kept me relatively grounded. Friendship. Parallel play. This is what dreams are made of. 

Another team meal in the middle of the hallway after school had everyone loosing their ties and undoing the buttons on their collars. This time Reiner, Jean and I didn’t go around to the team. You can feel the mood. Everyone’s relaxed and happy and stuffing their faces with chicken pie. No need to ruin that. The only person that seems kind of off is Reiner but he’ll be fine. It’s his fourth year of high school football. I’m sure he knows how to calm his own nerves. The team finishes up and starts loading up the buses. Northwest isn’t super far away but it’s definitely not close either so we have to pack up all the equipment and players to leave pretty quickly. It’s not a long bus ride, maybe forty minutes total, but it’s just long enough to set the team’s nerves on fire. Suddenly everyone becomes jittery and awkward and so on every bus there is one person who steps up and gives a little speech. It brings everyone back to the here and now, you know? With the way the buses are split up this time it’ll be Reiner, Coach, and me. Jean’s sitting next to me on the bus so we can strategize. But at the end of the day this is the captain’s job. I made my way to the front of the bus about halfway through the ride, stepping over legs and cleats and bags to get there. Joking with the guys as I go past, getting people to pay attention to me before the speech even starts. It’s more about mood than actual words, which is good because all I ended up saying in my speech was a bunch of clichés and lines I picked up from _Remember the Titans_. Really let my passion for the team shine though and shit. When I finish the entire bus is yelling and clapping and generally being a bunch of excited teenage guys and I can’t help but be proud of my team. 

When we get to Northwest Mitras there’s a flurry of movement. Unload the buses, get into your gear, start warming up. Before long I can hear the band warming up in the parking lot; they sound really good. All loud and stuff. I should tell Pixis. Next we’re pulling together, coaches and seniors, to hear what the ref has to say. He’s giving us basic rules, just laying down what he’ll call. Afterwards we stay together to hear Coach’s notes on the other team. He trusts the seniors to pass it down to the rest of the team. It’s too hard to try to get the entire team to sit still long enough for Coach to get his point across so he’s goes with the divide and conquer tactic. 

The other coaches leave after that. Shadis slapped my back so hard as he passed that I almost fell over. What a dick. Coach’s notes now are all about us. Reminders of our strengths and weaknesses. Jean, keep the blocks together. Reiner, don’t let Marlow get sucked into the middle. Thomas, don’t let the flank get weak. Connie, pay attention for once in your goddamn life. Eren, use that sneaky little head of yours and don’t be afraid to run the ball yourself; you’ve got legs, use them. 

The next minute I’m heading out with Reiner and one of the juniors, Marco, he’ll probably be one of the captains next year, to meet the ref and do the coin toss. It’s kind of stupid, just flip the damn coin, ah yes we’ll be receiving, great, super, can we start now? All that’s left is the national anthem and then the game begins. 

The first few plays are good, we’re on the offensive and our plays seem to be working. We get all the way to their 35 yard line before they stop us and gain possession of the ball. It’s there that things take a turn for the worst. As soon as the defense steps onto the field I can tell something is wrong. Nothing looks off, but I got the feeling that something wasn’t working for them. The next couple of plays having me staring. Our defense, our amazing, one of the top in the state defense, is falling apart. They’re missing tackles, letting easy runs by, not communicating at all. If Northwest hadn’t had so many missed throws and fumbles, they would have scored three times in the first fifteen minutes of the game. Offense is doing our best on the field but even we’re affected by the rough time our defense is having. We manage to score a run though and by the time the quarter ends the score is tied, 7 to 7. 

By the time halftime rolls around we’re down by two touchdowns, sweat is pouring off my body, and I know what the defense’s problem is. Everyone with eyes can tell that Reiner is having some major issues out on the field. If he’s out, we’ve got problems. It’s not that our defense isn’t any good, in fact they’re really fucking good, the problem is that they need a leader. Someone to inspire confidence, keep up with lines of communication, bring about ideas to keep things moving for them. Reiner is a great leader. He’s prime captain material. Ten tiers above me. But the downside to him being so fucking good at this stuff is that his defense trusts him too much. When he starts messing up they get lost. Reiner is a broken machine out there, too slow and unsure, and the defense is crippled because of it. Northwest was supposed to be an easy win but if we can’t stop them from scoring then we’ve got a major problem on our hands. 

Back in the locker room Coach pulls me off to the side and away from prying ears. “What do you think we should do QB?” 

Now the way I see it, we have two options: 

1) Pull Reiner in from the game. Pros: gets Reiner off the field so he can’t mess us up even more, keeps the other team from targeting him as a weak spot. Cons: could cause the defense to lose faith in themselves, loss of a major icon on the field tells even the dumbest people that there is major problem, none of the backups are anywhere close to as good as Reiner and the level of respect that he commands on the field even when he’s fucking up is irreplaceable. 

2) Work the rest of the defense and the offense to the bone to try to pick up the slack. Pros: keeps the team’s faith in the Reiner and gives him a shot at redemption, our defense and offense are good enough that we have an 80% chance of pulling it off. Cons: we’ll be dead tired by halfway through the fourth quarter and will have to push through it if we want to win, if Reiner doesn’t get his shit together than we’ll have someone on the field messing things up for the rest of the game. 

It’s one of those “lesser of two evils” type choices. My life is turning into a BioWare game. Great. Sometimes I wish Coach would take the tough decisions and make them himself. Or possibly shove them up his ass. Either would work, really. But that’s what I’m signed up for. Quarterback makes tough calls. 

“Keep him in. “ I said, wiping my face with a towel. “Tell Thomas and Marco the situation. Get them to do some damage control. I’ll talk to the offense.” Coach nodded and we move on the tactics with Jean, Marco, Thomas, and Reiner joining us. Reiner’s pretty quiet throughout the rest of the halftime but I can’t focus on him right now. It’s my job to get this team a win and dammit that’s what I’m going to do. Before I know it the break is over and we’re heading back to the field. I gathered the O-line into a quick huddle and outlined the plan for them. For us to win this game we’re going to have to move in with some more drastic plays. I looked as many of them in the eye as I could, gotta show them that I’m strong, confident, a man with a plan, and told them our strategy. “Hit em hard and run deep. We’re going to be trying some risky plays to get the score back up and hopefully pull ahead. Don’t get caught up. We’ve got this.” They all look so determined, it’s amazing. When we all broke away I looked over my shoulder and caught Reiner’s eye; he nodded to me before he looked away. 

The third quarter is a mess where our plays are either legendary or disastrous, there’s no in between. But it’s a mess that leaves East with a tied up score despite Northwest scoring two more times. A few long throws and an incredible run up the right sideline by Jean tipped the scales back into balance. I can tell that the guys are getting tired but we only have to last for one more quarter and they all seem resolute in their need to win this game. Even Connie is taking things seriously, a look of pure steel on his face every time he goes out to kick. For my part I’m hollering and barking out plays, keeping the field in check and reminding my teammates that I’m here and I’m with them. We’re down one major leader. I refuse to let it slip to two. 

With only three minutes left in the fourth quarter Connie makes a field goal that puts us just three points ahead. All that’s left is for the defense to hold Northwest off for the rest of the game. It’s not looking great. With a minute left in the fourth quarter, Northwest has made it to our 10 yard line and are still on their second down. Jean and I watched from the sideline as Mitras’s quarterback fakes a hand off before running towards the in zone himself. I’m biting my lip so hard I can taste blood while Jean is screaming at the defense, which is useless because they can’t hear him, when all of the sudden Marco dives in from the side to make the tackle. The Mitras quarterback fumbles the ball and of all people, Reiner picks it up and takes off down the field. Now Reiner’s not a fast guy. He’s built for power, not speed. But he’s got the advantage of surprise and the knowledge that he doesn’t actually have to make it all the way down the field to give him an edge. He makes it all the way to Northwest’s 35 yard line before they take him down but at this point it doesn’t even matter. Everyone on our side of the field is screaming, Jean is lifting me into the air by my waist while Connie leaps a solid ten feet into the air with a whoop. 

We’ve done it. We’ve won. 

The offense surrounds the defense as they come in from the field, their yells so deafening that I can’t even hear the buzzer to signal the end of the game. When Jean finally sets me back on the ground I race over to Reiner, with Connie right beside me, we leap on him together with a couple of yells. I’m physically and mentally exhausted, keeping myself on my feet by clamping my arms around both Reiner and Jean, Connie clinging to my neck and Reiner’s bicep. It’s the right way to end a game. 

When the noise finally dies down a bit I noticed that the band was playing our fight song so I looked up into the stands, watching the band play while students and alum sing along. One of the drummers isn’t wearing his hat and I raised a giddy hand to him, grinning like a crazy person. Levi’s eyes flicked down to me right before he did a trick with his sticks, flipping them up and over each other while still managing to play his part. It’s fly as hell and I couldn’t help but feel on top of the world. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aye friends what up. this chapter was an absolute bitch to write so please tell me what you think. life is hard.
> 
> Fun fact: I took teen living in high school so eren's experience is basically exactly like mine. lemme know if parallel play is different than what i thought tho. it's been like six years since i took that class.
> 
> background info: BioWare is a video game company. they make shit like Mass Effect and Dragon Age and they always have these choices where honestly there is no real right choice. it's rough. i love it.
> 
> hit me up [here ](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com) if you wanna talk about life, ereri, or football. anything really. come bother me. tell me anything. im around.
> 
> comments and kudos and shit make my day so much better so leave some if ur so inclined
> 
> Credit where it's due dawg:
> 
> Conrad, Joseph. Heart of Darkness. Charlottesville, Va.: U of Virginia Library, 1996. Print.
> 
> Remember the Titans. Walt Disney, 2000. Film.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "My thing is, and I've always been this way - to get to know as many people as I possibly can on a personal level, so that way, when you get on the football field, you've got your buddy right beside you, and you're ready to go." -Russell Wilson

The game had left the entire team in a strange state that mixed both excitement and exhaustion. Keeping our lead without the cornerstone of our defense was hard. In fact hard is an understatement. I’m pretty sure the entire team all came to a mutual agreement that no there’s no mad party tonight. Tomorrow night, maybe. We’ll see. The party at Jean’s was cancelled and turned into a low key affair. 

Just the gang. The group. The homies. I don’t know if I can think of a good name when I’m this tired. 

I took a power nap on the bus ride back using Jean’s shoulder as pillow because what else are eternal bros for? Also it was payback for him taking the window seat. Dick. After unloading the buses and convincing Mikasa to drive my car to Jean’s, I managed to change out of my sweat soaked uniform and pads in the passenger seat of my car with Mikasa stoically looking on. She’s such a trooper. Pulling into Jean’s driveway flipped Mikasa’s mom switch though and I found myself swearing up and down that we wouldn’t stay long. She nodded at me, pleased, and the two of us walked around the house to the barn. Jean stood in front of a nice bonfire, back to us, while Krista, Marco, and Reiner sat in lawn chairs to his right. Connie and Sasha were sharing a blanket on the other side of the fire, a couple of empty chairs and Jean’s old guitar next to them. Mikasa sat in the chair closest to Connie and I took the one next to her with a small kick in Connie’s general direction as I passed him and Sasha cuddled together.

Summer was just like this. All of us together, some kind of bonfire going, We’d try to get together three or four times a week, spend as much time together as possible before our last year. Sometimes it was a real party, loud music, beer, the whole deal, but more often it was just this. A chill night, just a bunch of friends hangin out. Not everyone could always come, family vacations or work would get in the way, but we did what we could. Some nights Jean would pull out his stupid, beat up guitar and play a few songs. I made fun of him when he first started learning back in our sophomore year, he’s such a slow learner that I thought he’d give up after a week or two but he kept up with it and now he’s pretty good. Shit singer though. But he’s good enough for us all to request songs, radio stuff for Sasha, country for Reiner, classic and punk rock for me because I have a reputation to uphold, and we’d all sit around the fire singing. Armin would tag along every now and again, sitting between Mikasa and I and asking Jean to play some random indie shit. Reiner’s sister too, her name’s Annie, would pop up almost every time Armin came with us, she’s his age, and she’s a classic rock kind of girl too. Sweet kid.

It’s easy to forget that we’re all just a bunch of high school kids whose ultimate goal is to graduate and go to college. On the field it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and in a way, I do. Well I mean, I have my world on my shoulders. My future and stuff. Ugh. The future freaks me out.

But this? This is nice, the way things are meant to be, you know? All together. All good. Well, almost all good. I gotta talk to Reiner.

Tonight we’re all laughing at Connie as he goes for the highest pitch possible during “Wagon Wheel” and it’s cool because Sasha and Reiner worked together to pick that song. When the song ended I saw Reiner start to get up so I told Mikasa I was off to get myself a soda and made my way to the house, Reiner walking next to me. 

I wasn’t really sure how to approach the apology, like do I just blurt it out? Am I supposed to work it into a casual conversation? I don’t really do massive apologies a lot unless it involves a big weird romantic gesture that Mikasa has suggested. She loves those cheesy romantic comedies. Don’t ever tell Jean but I kind of like them too. Everything always works out in the end and man, I’d love for life to be like that. So since I can’t hold a boom box under a window for this one, I just went to Jean’s kitchen and grabbed a soda from the fridge. A classic Coke because I’m a classic kind of guy and also because Mrs. K won’t buy anything other than Coke and Fresca, which is gross, everyone knows that. I turned around really quick from the fridge and got out exactly two words before I realized that Reiner was trying to say something too so we both cut off and had a moment of awkward silence before I focused on a point just above Reiner’s head.

“Let me go first,” I burst out and when he nodded I took a deep breath and gathered my impressive levels of both stupidity and courage and went on, “Look Reiner, I judged you so wrong man, and like, that was just such a shitty thing to do. We’re friends and friends aren’t supposed to judge like that. They’re all about support and shit. And dude, it’s not like it’s really any of my business who you’re fuckin around with. And hey dudes are cool. And you’re cool. So it’s not like, uh, what I’m trying to say is, I’m really sorry, man.” Once I realized I was going on and on, I took a quick exit out of my tirade and nervously looked at Reiner’s face again. Sidebar: Didja see that one Armin? Tirade. Pure gold. Anyway, Reiner’s eyes were about as wide as dinner plates and his mouth was opening and closing like goldfish for a moment before his face broke out into a huge grin. Eyes crinkled, teeth showing, the whole nine yards. I missed that stupid grin.

When we left Jean’s kitchen Reiner had his arm slung around my shoulders and was telling some story involving his dad, two goats, and a pineapple that had me in stitches. “Glad you guys finally kissed and made up,” Connie said with a grin.

“You and me both, dude,” I answered with a chuckle. “I don’t think my back could take another take-out-the-QB practice.” Reiner looked sheepish for a moment before he cracked and full on laughed. Jean just looked at us, vaguely annoyed. Ah, life is finally back to normal. The good kind of normal, not the boring kind.

I made it through five more songs before I had to head back inside. I’d snuck Mikasa and Jean’s drinks during the sing along and I had to pee so fucking bad. As I got up I noticed that Krista made to follow me inside. Great. I’m not going to say I’ve been avoiding her… but I’ve definitely been avoiding her. I’m tired and she’s looking extra hot and I know that I am a weak willed man, okay? Can you really blame me though? She changed after the game into a pair of jean shorts that sit high on her hips and high on her legs and go really well with the white tank top that ends just above her belly button and had this cool tribal pattern thing going on. It’s like the good part of the 1960’s. She’s even wearing little braided sandals. Over all Krista just looks _fun_. I like fun. A lot actually. When things get too serious I generally bail. There are a few exceptions, football, sleeping, FIFA 15, but most of the time if something gets to be too much, I‘ll back off. Fun things never get to be too much. That’s why I like them.

Sliding back the screen door to get into Jean’s house, I turned to look over my shoulder but didn’t see Krista anywhere. I guess maybe she wasn’t planning to come with me? Or maybe she’s hiding in the night stalking her prey. She’s pretty sneaky; I could see it. Head cheerleader or a panther in the night? I’ll never know. 

I need to go to bed. 

One more look around to try to spot a small blond head before I dashed inside. I wasn’t kidding about needing to pee. I had dried off my hands and was starting to feel safe after one of the longest pees of my life when she struck. Metaphorically. You feel that sophomore English teacher? Cause that one was good. I had made it out into the hallway from the bathroom when Krista came from around the corner, eyeing me up like a prize turkey dinner. Now when a lady is giving you that look, there’s two main possibilities. Either she wants to talk or she wants to make out. Whatever her intentions are, you have to let her make the first move. Can’t run the risk of making a wrong assumption and getting a claw to the face. In this case, all I could think to do was lean back from her, against the wall. It’s not running away. It’s my go-to pose. Every body has one. I used to practice mine with Mikasa. She gives great constructive criticism. Jean probably practices his alone with a mirror or something. What a loser. Being an only child must suck.

Anyway, Krista came right on up to me, hands on her hips, leaning forward a bit to check me out. Bold. Well damn. She nodded once, more to herself then to me if I’m being honest here, and took another step towards me officially crossing into my comfort zone. “I’d like to go on a date with you,” She announced.

“Really?” I asked. She gave me look that told me straight up, she was questioning my intelligence level. And hey, maybe I am a bit of an idiot but the vibe I’ve been getting from her for the past three years has always been that she thought she was a level above me. And I mean, yeah she totally is and yeah, I tend to aim high when it comes to girls, but still I buy into all that equals in a relationship bullshit sometimes, well at least I do when I take the time to pull my head out of my ass, and I know she does too so why would she want to go on a date with someone she thinks isn’t like, worthy or some shit? Maybe I’m overthinking this. I mean I’m like ninety-eight percent sure that I probably am. I’ve heard the saying. ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.’ Of course I’ve heard it, why do you think I haven’t ever checked Jean’s teeth? But still something feels off.

I’ve known Krista since elementary school. We’ve been friends since seventh grade and we’ve been making out at parties since freshmen year. Every time it’s the same thing. We get drunk, she gets horny, we make out, never any further, she says it’s just casual, we part as unlikely friends. Right now, teenage sex drive or not, I’m actually pretty okay with that. I mean, freshmen and sophomore year I pined like it was my motherfucking job but I’ve matured or whatever since then.

Maybe it’s one of those ‘it’s my last chance before we all leave’ kind of things. Though to be honest I wouldn’t really peg Krista as the type of person to be worried about having regrets. She’s more of a ‘if I look back I am lost’ kind of lady. 

Last summer I had a pretty crazy concussion and couldn’t read or look at screens or anything for three days so Armin came over and read some of his Game of Thrones book to me. It was both very rad and very confusing. But the dragon queen was just so damn quotable.

Maybe she changed her mind because I grew like six inches, got some decent muscle, and gained some shred of self-respect. Okay, probably not the last one. 

I must have gotten a little too far into my head because I came back to the present to find Krista’s hand waving in front of my face while she said “Eren. Helllllo Eren. Snap out of it, geez.” I blinked and shook my head a little to clear it before mumbling out an apology. She considered me for a second; “Okay well you’re clearly like, weirdly out of it so I’m going to make an executive decision here. Tomorrow night we can go to dinner and a movie, ok? You’ve got until 3pm tomorrow to come up with an excuse that isn’t total bullshit, got it? Otherwise I’m expecting you to show up at my house at 6pm sharp. Wear something decent. No soccer shorts.” I nodded, not trusting my mouth to keep all the bullshit I’d been thinking in. Then, in the least Krista like move I’ve ever seen, she blushed a little before standing up on her tiptoes to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. Unnerving would be an accurate word to describe it. Cute but unnerving.

She quickly turned and when back out to the bonfire, a satisfied smile on her face and that’s when I realized what had thrown me off. Krista was acting all sweet and nice and stuff _for me_. Like, why? I hate it when people act one way just because they think I’ll like them more if they do. It just feels so fucking fake. I mean, I get trying to hide certain things about yourself for the general public, like I sure as hell don’t tell everyone I meet that I like folk music and jack off in my shower, but people shouldn’t hide something fundamental about themselves, ya know? Like Krista is stone cold and that’s fine, that’s just her. Don’t cover that shit up around me. It just comes off as insincere. 

When I finally got back to the group, I was glad to see that Krista’s smile had turned into more of a smug grin. She was listening to Sasha complain that everyone else had gotten to go on ‘life changing trips with Eren.’ I snorted at the way she’d phrased it while Reiner just laughed. Overall it’d been a really good night. I ended up driving Connie and Sasha home with Mikasa in my passenger seat, the smell of smoke in my hair, and a smile on my face.

The next morning I was still high on life to the point where not even my bruised and sore body could hold me back from a morning run. Okay it was closer to 11am but that still counts as morning for me. I could feel how stiff my muscles were getting after having slept for nearly nine full hours, it’s crazy, I know, but those nine hours felt amazing. I should try to get to bed earlier more often. Anyway, my muscles felt like shit and I kind of figured that running would help. Like, loosen them up or something. So I grabbed my phone and my headphones and took off.

The park by my house is amazing. Like one of my all time favorite parts of this stupid small town. 10/10 would recommend.

It’s set up around this rad ass lake and while the part closest to the road is cool with it’s benches and playgrounds and gazebo, the best part is the path that runs around the lake. The trail follows the lakeshore and goes through the woods surrounding it. Trees tower over both sides of the trail and in the summer the shadows of the leaves dapple the ground and keep the trail nice and shady.

Fun fact: I learned the word dapple from a book about horses that my mom read to me nearly every night when I was a kid. She wanted me to become a master horse jockey or something. So that’s one fancy word I didn’t learn from Armin. 

Anyway, running the trail around the lake is great. I honestly think I’ll never get bored of the view. Helps me to just get into running mode and zone out. Plus it’s a three and a half mile loop and that’s basically top tier running length. After the first mile my body has gotten used to the exercise and I’m able to just straight go. Keep up my speed and just let my mind wander. The whole loop and the extra running to get home is perfect. Just enough to wear me out, ya know? 

This time I was about two miles in, feeling good, in the zone or whatever, just taking in the beauty of nature and being zen and all that shit when I zoned out a little bit too far. The next thing I knew I had landed flat on my face, arms lying uselessly at my sides because for some stupid reason I have no sense of self preservation. I used one arm to push myself up a bit and looked back over my shoulder to send the absolute dick of a root behind me a pretty severe glare when I noticed Levi’s face staring at me, mouth a little open in surprise, poking out from behind the tree whose root I’d just tripped over. 

“Oh hey!” I called over my shoulder cheerfully. Eren Jaeger aka master of smooth. On a side note, it’s cool to see a new expression on Levi’s face. Normally he’s all blank looking like he doesn’t want anyone to know what he’s thinking. Either that or he’s just super bored. Maybe both. Who knows. But right there he was looking pretty surprised but also kinda chill. Very content I’d say. That tiny little smile is back on his face, basically just the corners his lips turning up a little bit and it’s great. I’m so used to Jean and Reiner and Connie who smile all the fucking time. Levi’s more like Mikasa, all stoic and straight faced. Maybe that’s why I think he’s so cool. Let’s be real, Mika is basically the coolest human being alive. I sent a grin over my shoulder, legs still splayed out, elbow in the dirt. Levi’s face went back to a solid ‘unimpressed’ and he ducked back behind his tree. 

Based on my previous activity level and general level of hardcore, I determined that I could probably take a break from my run so I used my elbows and knees to pick myself up off the ground. I walked the few steps over to where Levi was sitting, his back to the tree, and attempted to brush off the dirt clinging to my clothes. 

I’d like to stop here and say that I’ve seen a lot of trees in my time. I’m practically an expert on finding perfect trees and bitch ass root aside, Levi had a damn fine tree. A top tier tree if alliterations are your thing. The whole park is full of these nice trees covering the trail around the lake and filling in the woods surrounding it. Levi’s had a pretty thick trunk, thick enough to completely hide him from the path so I didn’t feel that bad about not noticing him before.

When I went around the side of the tree I saw that Levi was moving a book bag and a notebook out of the way to make a space for me. Friendship just leveled up, score. His spot was only a few feet from the edge of the lake and as I flopped down next to him, letting my tired limbs spread out everywhere, I snuck a not-so-subtle glace at the notebook he had in his lap. The paper didn’t have any lines and I’m sad to say that it took me a second to realize that it was a sketchbook instead of a normal notebook. I made out the rough outline of a head, facing sideways, before he noticed me looking and closed the book. I wanted to ask about it because it seemed like he was pretty good but Levi looked weirdly embarrassed to I kept my thoughts to myself. The expression was gone in a heartbeat, replaced with a scowl, so I threw my hands up defensively saying, “Hey, sorry if it’s private or something. Just wanted to know more about you.”

His eyes narrowed a bit, they’re already pretty small to begin with, I hope he can still see when he makes that face, and pointed out that he liked his privacy. I shrugged, hands still raised in a gesture of peace and swung my head around to look out on the lake. A few minutes later Levi opened his sketchbook back up and began drawing again, pencil moving in quick, light strokes over his page. My eyes sidled over to his paper as I tried to casually look without getting caught. It wasn’t that I didn’t like, respect his privacy or whatever, I was just getting a little bored and watching him slowly shape a face was kind of really interesting.

He caught me after only a few minutes and I was so sure that his face would screw up with anger and he’d glare at me and make me go away or maybe yell at me for invading his space and then it’d suck because we’d never be friends again. Instead Levi rolled his eyes and flipped to a new page in his sketchbook and turning his upper body to grab another pencil from his book bag. He swiveled back around and ripped the sheet of clean paper from his sketchbook, handing both the pencil and paper to me with an amused smirk on his face. I chucked a smile his way and took them both. 

My page quickly turned into a bunch of really bad doodles of random shit around me like a leaf or Levi’s shoe and a couple different versions of my name written in a few cooler than cool but still kind of shitty fonts. It was fun. Kept me occupied for about three minutes total. I bumped my shoulder into Levi’s.

He ignored me. A sign.

I tried again. A slight jerk. Getting closer.

Third time’s the charm. He finally looked up and I breezed past the daggers he was glaring at me to ask how his morning had been. I’m pretty sure his eye twitched again when he responded, “It’s been okay. I’ve been working on stuff and I was getting a lot done,” He paused, clearly for dramatic effect, the loveable little nerd, and continued a second later, “until now.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“You know, stuff,” He said waving his left hand in a vague sort of motion.

“What, is that private too?” I teased.

“You’re a pain in the ass,” Levi informed me eloquently before he bent back down over his sketchbook. I just snickered and started throwing random questions his way, ranging from simple things like ‘what’s your favorite fruit’ to ‘if you to choose between going blind or losing both feet, what would you pick.’ Most of the time I got a distracted answer from him though occasionally he’d look up and pause, thinking I guess, before answering. Eventually he realized that I wasn’t planning to stop any time soon so he flipped to a new page and started just randomly doodling so he could pay me a little more attention.

Hanging with him was good. Really good. Like that one night at the park had flipped his switch from rude and dickish to normal. To be honest Levi’s cool to just chill with. Less ranting than when I hang with Jean or Armin and he’d never in a thousand years baby me like Mikasa does. Refreshing. 

“Huh, I’ll bet that’s convenient,” I mused aloud after Levi had told me that his hair was naturally black. He stopped working on what looked to be a pretty nice cartoon octopus and looked up at me, a confused look on his face. “Cause a lot of the like, punk rock, emo, whatever, kids dye their hair black,” I explained. 

“I’m not emo,” He said, eyebrows furrowing.

I looked at him skeptically. “You wear all black. Every day.”

“Black looks good on me!” He said defensively. 

“Dude. Combat boots. In _August._ ” 

“They’re… they’re comfortable!” He sputtered out. I grinned at him. I really like this flustered version of Levi. His face gets all red and he trips over his words, all indignant, it’s just so great. 

“I’ll bet your ipod is full of punk rock or screamo or something. All from like, 2006 aka the golden year of punk,” I said, goading him on. He glared at me as he whipped a little off brand mp3 player out from his pocket and fiddling with it a moment before handing it over. I scrolled through the one and only playlist he had and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was full of some really chill stuff. Levi had a few bands I’d heard of on here, The Postal Service, Snow Patrol, Kodaline, but about half of the artists were a complete unknown to me. Filed that bit away for a future conversation starter; always good to have a few in your back pocket. 

On the real though, I love knowing shit like this about people. You know, those weird facts about a person that you never would have guessed unless you knew them really well. Looking for examples? I got you. Mikasa, tough cool, perfect Mikasa, is mad afraid of centipedes. Like, more than a normal person because honestly who isn’t a little bit freaked out by those million-legged freaks from nature? Mika’ll kill spiders and beetles and any other type of bug that’ll creep into your house but the moment she sees a centipede, she’s gone. Want more? Okay, Jean, the top tier cliché football player is like a seriously good cook. He made me this chicken and mushrooms over noodles thing once and it was so good that I have dreams about that shit. I’m telling you, everybody’s got one. Connie writes poetry. Sasha’s really good at oil painting. Marco watches anime. Armin seriously loves John Cusack. See? Weird little facts. Prime knowledge to the tenth degree. 

Prime knowledge that I now have about Levi. 

He watched as I scrolled through his music like he was expecting me to bust out laughing or make some kind of a crack about his taste. When I didn’t say anything for another minute or so he started up with some kind of speech about how his mp3 player is kind of shitty and can’t hold very much music so he only puts one playlist on it at a time and he had wanted to just chill out and draw so the playlist I was going through was just his chill playlist but it was all really good music and if I couldn’t tell that then blah blah insult blah. 

I didn’t really pay much attention to his rabbling, I maybe caught every third or fourth word, maybe a phrase here and there, and I didn’t notice for a moment when he’d stopped. When I looked back up from his mp3 he had his chin lifted up a bit and was resolutely staring at a spot just above my eyes. I guess he was trying to look confident? Defiant? Who knows. I ignored it and said, “Dude you should make me a cd.”

Levi opened his mouth, probably ready to tear me a new one, but my words registered in his brain and instead of getting mad enough to fight or something, Levi just sat there, mouth slightly open, looking confused. I’m like, low key really glad that he didn’t try to punch first, think later because Levi’s another person that looks scrappy enough to take me in a fight. He and Coach both have that glint in their eye. He blinked at me, mouth slowly closing and I took that as a sign to keep going. “I’ll make you one too. We can swap.”

Levi nodded slowly before asking the million-dollar question, “Why?” 

I looked out onto the lake, like the protagonist of a really prime coming of age movie, and said, “That’s what friendship is all about.” He slapped the back of my head. “Okay, okay. Look from the little bit of stuff on here that I actually know, it seems like you’ve really good taste.” He didn’t look convinced. “Share the wealth, Levi!” I said, clasping my hands together and shaking them a little to look needy. He sighed in defeat and I grinned as I bumped my shoulder into his. News Alert: Major victory for Eren Jeager. 

I’m a big fan of CDs made by your friends. You can tell a lot about a person based on what they’re willing to share with other people. Music wise, at least. I told Levi that and tacked on “Friends should know things like that about each other. We’re friends, right?” He rolled his eyes but his face had the smallest little smile on it. I saw the way his mouth turned up and my own grin grew about ten times wider. 

After our talk about CDs Levi seemed to finally be completely comfortable. He opened up a little bit more when answering my questions and even asked a few of his own, idly drawing the whole time. Eventually I ran out of questions, though I reassured him I’d have more later, he sighed in reply, so I leaned back against the tree and we sat in relative silence. I have to say, he picked a great spot. With the lake waters gently brushing the shore and the sturdy tree behind my back, I felt good. Calm, you know? It’s late August and normally I’d be sweating like a sinner in church but the leaves from the tree gave us some nice shade and there’s this sweet little breeze coming off the lake that ruffles my hair and pushes Levi’s bangs away from his face. 

He’s concentrating on the plant that he’s sketching now, lips parted slightly, eyes flicking away from his paper occasionally as he tries to capture the shape or light or something as perfectly as possible. I’m just lounging around letting Levi do his thing uninterrupted and it’s all good. I was just about to doze off when my phone vibrates on the root beside me. It was a text from Krista letting me know that since it was officially 3pm, I now had plans for the night and that dinner won’t work so it’s just a movie date now. Levi glanced at me as I read the text, I guess the noise of it vibrating must have shaken him out of the trance he’d been in, so I explained, “Text from Krista.”

“Lenz?” He asked, eyebrows coming together a little.

“Yeah I guess we’re going on a date thing tonight,” I said with a shrug.

“You don’t seem very excited,” He pointed out.

I tipped my head back and exhaled, “I mean, she’s like hot as fuck and like, really popular. I dunno why, I just don’t really feel like going I guess.”

“Lots of guessing here.”

I shot him a side glare. “Shut the fuck up,” I said halfheartedly.

He chuckled and started packing up his sketchbook and pencils while I followed his lead and started to stretch out my arms and legs, letting out a yawn. We walked back down the path to the entrance of the park in comfortable silence. It wasn’t until I had already reminded him of our plans to study tomorrow and said goodbye that Levi said, “There are worse things than someone you think is really attractive wanting to go out on a date with you. Enjoy it, Eren.” And with that he turned and began walking the opposite direction, leaving me confused and a little concerned.

“That’s real deep!” I shouted to his back.

Now, movie dates are, as a general rule, my favorite kind of dates. They even beat out hungover Waffle House dates and dude, how someone likes their waffles is a very serious matter to me. Chocolate chip is top tier. The only thing worse then blueberry is none at all. But with movie dates you either get to spend the whole time making out or you get to watch a bomb ass movie. Win-win situation. I sent one more prayer to the football gods to thank them for Krista’s ‘cheer emergency’ that made her cancel dinner. She explained what had happened over text but I didn’t really read them. Really, who am I to question a god that may or may not exist? Couldn’t risk it so I just sent an ‘ok’ and called her emergency a miracle. 

My part in this whole date thing is pretty simple. All I have to do is pick her up at 8, nod occasionally at her chattering in the car, and pay for movie tickets and popcorn. Easy. 

We got to the movie theater and it turned out that the guy selling movie tickets goes to East. Well, at least I’m pretty sure he does. It’s one of those I-know-his-face-but-not-his-name kind of deals. When we get up to the front of the line it’s clear that he knows who we are too, if only through the whole familiar face thing. I gave him an easy smile. “Two for that crazy action flick, please.” He nodded and smiled back, taking the cash I handed him. While he was getting my change I asked him if he went to East. Turns out I was right, his name is Moblit, apparently we had a class together last year whoops, and he’s in the band. I wanted to ask him if he knew Levi but the next thing I knew, Krista’s patience had run out and I was being dragged away. I waved to him as we entered the theater and he threw a much smaller wave back. 

Krista may only be like 5’ 4” but she’s strong. I let her drag me around a bit, enjoying looking at her with her tiny little muscles and cute little face all scrunched up. Krista always looks great. It’s when she opens her mouth that I start to like her less. It wasn’t always like this though. When I first met her I loved how bitchy she could be. It was funny. But now? Eh. It’s slowly losing appeal. She still looks great though. I love when girls are a lot shorter than me. I’ve got like ten inches on her. Anything over six is prime. 

Overall it was a decent date. Nothing incredibly bad really, but nothing super good either. The major low point was that she wouldn’t let me get popcorn. The major high point was when I got up to go to the bathroom and came back with some sour gummy worms. The making out was a six out of ten. I think I only watched about twenty minutes of the movie, total. We were only about ten minutes in and suddenly her mouth is on mine and, wow, two minutes later my tongue is down her throat. 

Apologies go out to the mom sitting a row behind us. A solid ‘you’re welcome for the show’ goes to her 14 year old daughter.

Now I’m a major fan of making out. One of my all time favorite things if I’m being honest here. This was the first time I’d so much as kissed Krista while I was sober. It was okay. Like, she’s a decent kisser but nothing to write home about. I mean, I definitely wasn’t going to stop kissing her, it was just eh, average. I’m not complaining. Oh god if I ever did complain Jean would be all over that shit. “Poor Eren has to make out with an insanely hot girl! Boo hoo!” Whatever.

Krista seemed happy with the date though. She spent the car ride back to her house talking about the movie, which confirms that she has some kind of superpower because I remember next to nothing about the movie, normal, considering we didn’t really watch it. When we pulled into her driveway I saw her dad standing on the front porch, weird but welcome, and Krista gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before she hopped out of the Explorer. She waved to me once she got to her front door so I nodded to her dad and waved back to her before I threw the Explorer into reverse and ducked out.

Remember when you were eight and everyone got like weirdly into baseball cards and they’re running around trading and comparing and whatever else kids do with baseball cards so you’re like well shit, if everyone else likes them then they must be kick ass! 

Okay, well that was what I was like when I was eight. Hardcore since day 1. 

Anyway, I spent like two weeks doing chores for my parents and mowing the neighbor’s lawn to save up enough money for a pack of cards. It took another two days to convince my mom that she wanted to drive me to the store to buy them. I remember it so clearly. I was so excited all the way there, wiggling in my seat even though I thought I was too old for stuff like that. I took forever to pick out the pack I wanted to buy and then I opened them up right when we got in the car. The thing is, about twenty minutes into owning some baseball cards I realized that they don’t do anything. I never really liked toys that you needed other people for. I wanted to be able to play on my own. And you definitely need other people for baseball cards to be fun and nobody wants to trade with you when you just start off. Or they just want to rip you off. Lookin at you, Jean. 

Okay so that got a little off topic. The point is, Krista is kind of like those baseball cards. Everyone around me seems to think she’s so cool and so amazing and I know that at least three quarters of the senior class would give their right arm to date her, but I don’t know.

On the other hand, isn’t dating about like, talking and stuff too? Maybe that’s the problem. On our next date we’ll try the whole talking thing and she’ll become like, a Razor scooter or something.

Sunday morning dawned bright and way too early thanks to my lovely mother cheerfully barging into my room to get me up for church. I think she switched tactics because she knows it’s a lot harder to come up with a good reason why I can’t go to service when I’ve just woken up.

She’s an evil mastermind. An actual demon. Surprised she doesn’t catch fire when she enters the church.

I sluggishly pulled on the khaki’s she pulled from my drawer and threw at my head, my uncomfortable ones, yay, and grabbed a random button down from the ones hanging in my closet. I glanced in the mirror as I walked past it and quickly contemplated shaving my head. Mom got me a hair appointment for next week and all I can say is that it’s about time because my hair is literally everywhere.

Fortunately no one in church commented on my majestic bedhead so I passed the service by falling asleep twice and getting thumped on the shoulder with a hymn book once. Thanks, ma. Overall a pretty good trip to church made even better because after the service Jean asked if I wanted to go fishing.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I don’t really fit the ‘good ole Southern boy’ stereotype. My mom is from up north and my dad doesn’t really act like he’s from the South either so I never had Southern parents to guide me. The Kirstein’s are cool and all but once when I was six they said something about immigrants that really upset my mom and that night she sat me down and told me that while the Kirstein’s are nice people and it’s okay to be friends with their son, I should try not to let their world views become my own. 

So I didn’t grow up to fit the Texan mold. I’ve never been hunting. I think camo looks dumb unless it’s a hat. I prefer apple juice over sweet tea. Clearly not much of a Southerner. 

Low key kind of really wish I was though.

But the one thing I really like to do that fits the stereotype is fishing. It’s just so chill. All relaxing and shit. Plus going with Jean is twice as cool. No girls around to impress. No one to judge us for letting out our inner loser. Jean is really different when it’s just the two of us. I mean he still insults me and is generally a dick but it’s easier to tell that he’s joking when it’s just us. I really dig best friend stuff like that.

When Jean pulled up in front of my house, jeep packed and ready, I’d already changed into my comfy old jeans and was out the door. Jean waved to my mom from his car and I swung myself into the passenger seat, ready to get going. Nice sunny days like today he likes to take the doors off the jeep and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think it was so fucking prime. Something about the sunshine on my skin and the wind in my face really lifts me up. 

We set up on the lakeside almost exactly across from Levi’s tree and I wondered what he was doing today. He said he’d call me about the chem stuff but I hadn’t heard from him yet. Ah, whatever. He’s probably out enjoying the sunshine too. 

I cast my line and breathed in deep. Life is good. So good. This right here is what I’m about. Just me and Jean. Hangin out. Poles in the water, Jean’s voice filling the air as he tells me some story about how another person called him ‘horseface’ yesterday. I snickered and he threated to sock me. Good times. He really hates that nickname and I love it because it’s all because of me. I’m so proud of my ten-year-old self for making it happen. We kept telling each other stories and they’re the stories about our past couple of weeks that are embarrassing or would make us seem less cool if we told them to other people but we’re best friends and we’ve seen each other go through some pretty awkward stages so it’s not a big deal with us. Like, I’ve seen Jean in his Pokemon stage and he’s seen me in my rat tail stage so I think we’re past the point of no return honestly. I eventually told him about hanging out with Levi the day before and to my surprise Jean rolled his eyes. “He’s actually a pretty cool guy. A little intense but I could see you guys getting along really well.”

“You really think so? I’m not intense about anything. Like, at all,” I argued.

“Nah, you get really intense when it comes to the team. Plus, you’re like weirdly into always doing the right thing. He’s kind of like that too.” I stared at Jean. How the fuck did he get to know Levi so well? Jean glared right back. “Don’t look at me like that! Levi and I used to work together at that diner, remember?”

“I feel like everyone else knew him before me,” I complained “Wait, which diner?” 

“Maria’s? The one on Main street by the post office.”

“Which diner?” I pressed.

Jean rolled his eyes, I’m waiting for the day they get stuck like that, and growled out an answer. “The one I got fired from.” 

I snickered. “Oh, right, that one!” Jean had his shoulders slumped and if looks could kill I’d be halfway to heaven by now. I sighed and pushed myself back, leaning on my elbows. 

“You look like an idiot,” Jean said when I flopped my head back and spread my legs out in front of me.

“Don’t be a dick, Jean. Besides I always look cool,” I said smugly. 

Jean fiddled with something on his rod while he answered. “You have such a screwed up idea of who’s cool.” 

I stuck my tongue out at him, he shoved my face with his hand. Asshole. 

“I’m serious, douchebag. Think about it,” He grumbled. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, taken aback. 

Jean sat there beside of me hands making random movements like he didn’t really know what to do with them because he was so exasperated. “Like… Like Krista for example! I don’t get why you like her so much! Okay, well I kind of get it, like aesthetically or whatever, but dude she’s such a bitch! You’ve been on the fence about her all week and then you go on a date with her and you’re all ‘eh it wasn’t that good’ but for some reason you’re still planning on going on another date with her. How much more of a sign do you need? Skywriting, maybe? God manifesting in a physical form and telling you Himself that you guys aren’t meant to be? Like, damn Eren, I know you’re dumb but geez.”

I took a second before I said, “Okay, number one: dude I didn’t understand like half of those words! That was sick, Jean! Have you been studying vocab with Armin? Shit”

“A little,” he admitted sheepishly.

I nodded, impressed. “Nice. Anyway, we’re gonna gloss over the rest of that little speech because I really just don’t want to talk about it. Number two: What’s up with you? You’re like, extra bitter today.” 

For a second it looked like he was going to argue with me but then Jean’s eyebrows came together and I had about a half a second to prepare myself for the coming storm. See, Jean will go off into these crazy rants and sometimes he can go on for hours. Between my sophomore and junior year I learned how to tune him out for the most part and just pick out the really important bits. 

Jean spent the first five minutes talking about society. I spent the first five minutes considering reeling in. 

Jean then moved on talking about girls and why they were all trouble. I moved on to actually reeling in; my line got tangled. 

He mentioned football part of the way through the girls section so I dropped back in for a minute but once I realized that it wasn’t anything important, I went back to trying to untangle my line. 

Ten minutes in had Jean raging about Coach’s “political scheming,” whatever that meant, and had me getting beaten by a length of fishing line. 

Finally about twenty minutes in he started talking about his parents and I made the prime decision to tune back in. “They’re just so stubborn! I know that I am too but this is something that they need to be more open minded about! The pastor of a community like our stands as a guide to what the rest of the town is going to think and I tried to explain that to him the other night but he just shrugged me off. I didn’t think too much of it but then last night we just ended up in this insane screaming match in the kitchen just because I’d asked my mom to teach me how to sew up a hole in my practice jersey! Like, it’s not that big of a deal! But no, he has to turn it into some huge thing because sewing is apparently only for girls. Right because no man has ever sewn his own clothing before! One second later and he’s off and gone about the gays ruining our society. It’s such bullshit; why can’t he see that?” 

I’m not going to lie, this topic was way out of the norm for Jean and with recent events, it was putting me a little on edge. In fact it’s weird for him to ever fight with his dad. He’ll fight with everyone else though. When he paused to take a breath I took a chance and blurted out, “So you’re cool with the gay people?” Smooth as always.

Jean gave me a weird look, probably for my wording, and said, “Yeah I am. They’re just people. They should be treated like everyone else.”

“So do you, um, know anyone who is? Gay, I mean,” I asked cautiously.

“No one has come out to me or anything, but Eren, our school has over two thousand kids. Over five hundred in our class alone. There’s no way every single one of them are straight.” He looked thoughtful as he continued. “And I can think of a few people that I could see being gay.” I nodded and pulled my knees up to my chest. Jean must have noticed because he asked, “Does it bother you? Thinking that someone we know is probably gay?”

“A little. Well, it bothers me more that they feel like they need to hide it. This town sucks.” I answered honestly. Jean took my cue and in a second he was off, ranting about all the reasons why our town is a shitty place to live. 

A few minutes later he wound up back on his dad. “He just keeps trying to push the whole pastor thing. It’s so frustrating,” Jean said, hands clenched into fists. This future stuff is a new topic for Jean too. I feel like I missed a lot this week. 

“I thought you wanted to be a pastor?” I interrupted, confused. “Like father like son and all that shit.”

Jean looked down, clearly a little embarrassed. “Lately I’ve been thinking about maybe law, or social work, or teaching or something. I just want to help people,” He confessed. 

“Outside the church,” I clarified. 

He nodded. “A pastor is supposed to lead others in and to the faith. I’m not a leader. Not like that, anyway. That’s for people like you and Reiner, not people like me.”

“That’s not true. You’re a great leader,” I argued.

Jean gave me a look that said ‘you’re off your rocker.’ “Eren, I was so lost last week. You and Reiner had this weird fight thing going on and were both really distant and I had no clue what to do. I’m not a real captain. That’s on y’all’s shoulders for a reason! I didn’t even want to ask you what was wrong. What kind of a leader wouldn’t ask that? Or a best friend for that matter.”

“Hey, we’ve all been shitty friends this week,” I said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, an apologetic smile on my face. Jean shook his head before he shrugged off my hand and socked my shoulder. For a second I thought he was angry but then I saw the smile on his face and my own grew a bit wider. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heheh this almost didn't get published today.  
> i adopted a cat and then moved into an apartment and school starts soon so life is haywire rn. come talk to me about it on tumblr. bicyclestandard.
> 
> anyways, comments and kudos and subscribes are all v appreciated. tell ur friends about this story. make em read it bc it's slow and muscle-y. idk man.
> 
> y'all are great. thanks for putting up w/ me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do right.  
> Do your best.  
> Treat others as you want to be treated.  
> -Lou Holtz 
> 
> possible tw for physical abuse. it's not detailed but it's mentioned

Monday morning dawned a little too bright and way too early. I’d stayed up until 2am waiting to hear from Levi. He never called me about studying for chemistry and I’m not sure why, but for some reason I just kept telling myself that’d he’d call soon. Seriously though, dude, who calls someone at 2am to talk about school work? It was dumb, but I was just so convinced he would. Normally, I wouldn’t really worry about, I mean, the guy can definitely take care of himself, but we have our first test today and he’s been to maybe three classes total. 

Sidebar though, whoever came up with the idea of having tests on Mondays is a serious dick. Now that we are most definitely 100% friends, I really want Levi to actually pass. More importantly, this is the first time I’ve actually worried about one of my friends fucking up on a test. Mika and Armin make great scores every time, Jean always manages to pull out A’s and B’s, Reiner is a solid B’s and C’s kind of guy. Connie… well, Connie doesn’t count. Levi is still an unknown. Gotta work on that. 

I was already running late, so I shoved my thoughts about Levi’s grades out of my mind and rushed to finish up my morning routine. Morning workouts have to get amped up a notch, and if the quarterback isn’t going to step it up, then why would anyone else? I’m determined to get this team back to the level of perfection that we’re known for. The loss of one guy, even a guy as important as Reiner, shouldn’t hit our entire team as hard as it did. Now that I’ve gotten back on the right path with my co-captain and gotten some decent feedback from Jean, I felt like I’m ready to go. Metaphorically though- because I still had to finish brushing my teeth before I could leave. Should probably put on some pants too. 

Took it back a little bit on my way to morning workouts with a little Kendrick Lamar. “Backseat Freestyle.” Armin hates that song. Personally, I think Kendrick was the only reason I survived the workout- stepping my game up is hard work. The game last Friday had really taken a toll on my body and I am definitely looking forward to the bi-week this coming week. See, they split up the games into conference and nonconference games. Nonconference games are the first couple of games of the season. They’re to get teams back into the swing of school and practices and games under the lights. They also don’t count toward the playoffs so technically even if you lose all of them you can still win the State Championship. Conference games do count towards playoffs so those you definitely have to win. There’s a week in between nonconference and conference games that we don’t have a game at all; it’s called bi-week. Personally I’m a huge fan of bi-week. Gives the team a second to catch its breath. 

Anyway, school on Monday was an “A” day, and despite the hard morning I’d had, I managed to stay awake through all of US history. At this rate I’ll turn into a model student. It’s all because of this guy in my class, at some point I really should try to learn names, who said something about bad pickup lines. I ended up running through every cheesy pickup line I could think of. Normally no girl I know would ever say yes to a pickup line, but being QB has it’s perks. For a quarterback she won’t say no, she’ll just laugh and think I’m joking. Better than nothing. 

By chemistry I had both a pretty good stock of pickup lines and a pretty good mood, which means that I had completely forgotten about the test I was about to take. I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t mentally prepared; Levi strolled into the classroom a couple minutes late and was pulling out his chemistry notebook when Brzenska snarkily informed him that he wouldn’t need it today. I swear, he froze like a deer in the headlights and went three shades paler than usual. 

Throughout the test I kept sneaking glances over at Levi as he sat beside me. He seemed stressed. Shocker. That test was fuckin’ hard. Like, I actually showed up and did the work; that test wasn’t meant to be that hard. Poor Levi. 

When we got out of chemistry Levi looked like he’d be hit by a sixteen wheeler. I tried to go talk to him, but before I could get to him, he hurried off looking kind of dazed. Straight up had me worried. It kept me quiet all through Latin and English. About thirty minutes in, Jean noticed my mood and asked what was wrong. It’s nice to see that he’s trying with the whole ask-how-his-friends-are-doing thing. I told him about the chem test, but not about Levi. For some reason that seems to personal for even Jean. It’s more of Levi’s thing to tell people, not really mine, ya know? I like to think that I’m getting better about keeping in things that bother me, but aren’t really my business. No more spilling secrets. Well, that’s the plan anyway. 

Practice helped me clear my head a bit- exercising always does. Plus the entire team was going extra hard today. Trying to make up for the past couple of games. Those games weren’t normal East Trost football. No sir. We must have seemed really intense at practice, because it put Coach in a much better mood than before. He even decided to let us out early. By early I mean he actually let us out on-time for once. Right after he called the team together and told us to pack up, Connie and I let out matching yells of excitement and Jean quipped about having a mature captain. Felt good. 

I was walking out to my car, Jean beside me, happy as a clam, when I noticed that since we had actually finished on time, we’d gotten done at the same time as the band. Levi was standing outside of the band room with a couple of his friends, listening to a girl with glasses who was gesturing wildly as she talked. I said a quick goodbye to Jean, ducked under his arm as he tried to slap my face, and started to make my way over. 

“Levi!” He looked up in surprise as I made my way over. His friend with the glasses had stopped talking after hearing my shout and was clearly snickering behind her hand at Levi’s look of confusion. His two other friends seemed a little startled as well though they were better at hiding it than Levi seemed to be. “How was band practice?” I asked. 

Levi seemed to gain a little bit of his composure at my question. “Rehearsal was good,” he replied, as he thoroughly ignored the looks Glasses kept shooting at him. “Did the team get out of practice early?” 

I shrugged. “Sort of. More like Coach actually let us out on-time for once.” 

I was trying really hard to ignore the way Glasses was practically vibrating next to Levi, but man, she was like a caffeinated bunny. Distracting. In an effort to save myself I turned to the guy on Levi’s other side. His blond hair was pulled back into some kind of man bun, which isn’t really my style, but hey, it looked good with his facial hair. Gives him that whole chiseled mountain man look. I held out my hand and introduced myself. 

“Eld Jinn,” He said with a small smile. He seemed pretty chill; no wonder he and Levi are friends. “I play quints,” he added after a moment. I smiled and nodded, pretending I knew what the fuck a quint was while moving on to the other guy, also a blonde, no facial hair though, next to Eld. 

Before I could say anything, he smiled shyly at me. “Hey Eren,” he said, clearly trying to seem casual even though Glasses was staring him down. 

“Uh, Moblit, right? From the movie theater?” His smile grew a bit, so I assume that I guessed right. Glasses was now hopping up and down in place. With excitement? A full bladder? Who fucking knows. Moblit opened his mouth, probably to tell me what instrument he played, when Glasses lost all semblance, Armin for the win, of patience and thrust her hand out in front of her. 

“Hange Zoe,” she announced and as I opened my mouth to give her a response, she cut me off. “Yes, yes, Eren Jaeger, I know. I heard you the first time. And the second when Moblit said hello. More importantly, do you know that you're passing yards statistic from your time in middle school? Because you have an unusually high stat for your average high school quarterback. Your stat is even considered high for the top ten in the nation. It’s incredible really. I’d like to run some numbers and a few experiments with you-“ 

“Experiments?” I interrupted. 

She rolled her eyes as she continued, “Call them drills if it makes you feel better. As I was saying, I’d like to determine your unique rate of improvement over the past five years. I feel like it could be very telling concerning your future as a-“ 

“Thanks for that Four Eyes,” Levi interjected. “Sadly Eren has to get going and well, he’s giving me a ride home so we’ll see you around.” I tried to look like this wasn’t news to me as I nodded along. Not sure I was very convincing, but before Hange could call me out on it, Moblit and Erd were waving us goodbye and Levi was towing me out into the parking lot. I sent a cheery wave back and called out that it was nice to meet them. Gotta stay polite. Hange looked like someone had just snatched a steak dinner from under her nose. 

I’m about 80% sure that she’s crazy. 

“Sorry about her,” Levi said once we were out of earshot. “Also, I’m sorry about just assuming that you could give me a ride home.” He looked pretty sheepish, so I just grinned at him, shrugging off his apology and opening the passenger side door for him. What can I say? I’m a true gentleman. 

“It’s whatever, dude. Besides, Erd and Moblit seem pretty chill.” I turned on my car and immediately a blast of Kendrick came from the speakers. Ear splitting on the morning is kind of my thing. I’m starting to rethink it. My hand shot to the volume dial and I quickly turned it down, swearing the entire time. Just like that, the barrier between us is gone and it’s just like when I was bothering him under his tree. 

Levi chuckled a little before he said, “Yeah they’re great. Erd is on the line. He’s the principle quint player. Moblit is the first chair clarinet.” Levi was using his hands to mime each instrument as he mentioned them and while it was not helpful at all, it was… cute? Quirky? Endearing. Adjectives are hard. Especially when it’s weird to think of another guy as… cute. Whatever, I’ll deal with that mess later. 

Levi didn’t seem to notice my mental breakdown and kept on talking. “That brunette maniac is our brass captain. She plays mellophone.” 

“Okay, just so you know, I barely even know what a clarinet is. Those other things? Out of my league, dude,” I told him honestly. 

Levi just rolled his eyes and launched into a detailed explanation of all of the instruments in the marching band, complete with the cute hand movements. He was in the middle of explaining why all of the bass drums are different sizes when I pulled into my driveway. 

Levi stopped in the middle of his lecture and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “I thought you were going to take me home.” 

“Do you have something to do at home?” 

“Well, no.” 

“Do you want to go home?” 

“….Not particularly. I don’t want to impose but it’s fine if you just want to take me home.” 

I clapped a hand on his shoulder, “I’ll do it later. Come hang for a bit,” I said as I reached into the backseat to grab my book bag. 

When I turned back to the front seat I was rewarded with one of Levi’s teeny tiny smiles. One of those genuine ones that make everything just a little better. I think I’ve gotten a total of three in the entire time I’ve known him. They never fail to pull a grin out of me. The little smile propelled me out of the Explorer and around to his door. I waited for him to gather up his book bag, trying not to hop in place like, what was her name? Hange. I changed my mind; she’s definitely 90% crazy. I can feel it in my bones. 

I led Levi into my house and gave him a quick tour. Aka I waved my hand in the general direction of the kitchen and living room as I took the stairs two at a time. My house is ok, I guess, but I don’t really like just hanging out in the open. My bedroom is the perfect place. It’s got video games and my bed and really that’s all I need. 

On a separate note, has anyone ever pointed out how like, charged with sexual tension the word bedroom is? Like, you put in the word “bed’ and everything seems a little bit more like a proposition. 

Anyway, I opened the door to my room after vaguely waving at Mika’s room and my parent’s room. It was messier than I thought it was. I spent a solid five seconds feeling embarrassed, and then set out throwing clothes into my hamper while Levi stood watching from the doorway. A minute passed and he sighed before beginning to straighten up the books on my desk and continuing his lecture on instruments. Man, I still love hearing him talk. His voice is so mellow, like a cup of hot chocolate, a little bit of cinnamon- just like my mom makes it- on a cold, rainy day. I’m barely paying attention to what he’s saying, just mechanically going through the motions of cleaning up my room. I want to ask him if he’d let me record his voice to fall asleep to. It’s soothing like that. 

Ok, that’s probably an eight out of ten on the weird scale. Gotta work on that. 

We’d been working for a solid ten minutes when I noticed that Levi wasn’t just putting things on shelves, he was actually kind of putting them away, organizing my desk and bedside table. He’s probably really neat- even with his whole local bad boy thing going on, he’s clean. I suddenly had the very real realization that I haven’t showered off the smell of football practice yet. I don’t know if it’s common knowledge or what, but football players get disgusting. Like mud, sweat, a little bit of blood. If it were Armin or Jean here I’d just strip and hop in the shower without a second thought. I wondered how Levi would react to that. 

I decided to try it. 

Baby steps first. I shed my shoes and tossed my socks into my hamper in the corner, basketball style, nothing but net, and all Levi did was pause for a second and compliment my shot. How kind. 

The next step is my shirt so I start with my t-shirt, balling it up, missing the basket and earning a laugh from Levi. Worth it. 

Things starting getting tricky when I pulled off my undershirt. Levi stopped talking for a second and stared at me, “What’re you doing?” Levi stammered. Mental pat on the back for that stutter. 

Poor guy probably thought I was going crazy. 

“I’m gonna take a shower,” I explained lamely. He continued to stare. Can’t say I blame him. “Wanna keep tellin me about band stuff?” 

At that Levi’s face evened out. “Why are you so weird?” 

I pouted a little, “That hurts, Levi.” 

He rolled his eyes and followed me as I walked over to my bathroom, grabbing my desk chair on his way. He set up the chair just outside of the bathroom door and after I’d hopped into the shower he started right back up. He wasn’t talking about instruments though. He was talking about people in the band, telling me about people he liked and disliked, which of the freshmen were annoying, and who was pretty good. I was smiling as I washed my hair and chuckling through his story about the new kid playing the tuba- sorry, sousaphone. 

Levi’s right. I am weird. Making out with Krista was fun, but if I’m being 100% honest, I’d much rather be doing stupid shit like cleaning my room or just chilling beside a lake with Levi. I just feel more comfortable with him, I guess. Like this shower thing for example, I’ve only ever done something like this with Jean and I feel like that doesn’t really count because we grew up together. Our parents had us taking baths and showers together for years so him hanging out while I get clean wouldn’t be a big deal. Anyone else though, would be kind of really strange but here I am, laughing my ass off as Levi says some snide remark from the other side of a shower curtain. 

I can’t help it. He’s really different from everyone else that I know. Abnormal. Thanks Armin. Like, even when Levi is talking about something I don’t give two shits about, I’m still happy. He could be sitting in a corner, reading a book, completely silent, and I’d still be cool, a little bored, but cool because he’s there. He’s just got such an interesting way of simply existing. Like in the car? When he was waving his hands around? Fucking cute. Jean is never cute. Krista is never cute. Hot. Never cute. Levi is like, constantly cute. He’d get pissed if he knew I was calling him cute. Maybe like manly cute. That doesn’t really sound any better. Is manly cute even an actual thing? Whatever, fuck it. 

He paused for a second when the shower shut off. It was barely a pause, maybe just a second where he tripped over his words a little. Shit like that makes him more human to me. Before I got to know him he was like a movie star. You know that they have a real person life outside of like movies and premieres and appearing on talk shows but it doesn’t seem real but once you know someone’s little quirks they become more like a real person. Levi’s a real boy now. It’s fun to think that the resident cool, mysterious guy feels nervous too. Well, nervous probably isn’t the right word for it. Maybe awkward. Yeah, definitely awkward. 

I decided to take pity on the poor guy and reached an arm out of the shower to grab a towel and protect his poor narrow eyes from another look at my incredibly unimpressive body. I’m just that kind but seriously, I just don’t get it. I don’t have the straight up muscle that a bunch of the other guys have. Reiner is built like a goddamn freight train. Jean had the dumbest six-pack in the world. Hell, even Connie had a lot of wiry muscle. It’s ridiculous. I work out just as much as everyone else but I’m still kind of eh-looking. Like I’ve got muscle- my arms are good, my legs are decent, but I can layer on muscle the way everyone else can. Instead, I get hints of definition in my abs. Hints can go suck a dick. 

Anyway, Levi was resolutely looking away from me when I left the bathroom to grab some clothes to change into. I hadn’t really thought about it earlier, but he had been particularly chatty today. It was really nice and I told him so. 

He blushed- like honest to God blushed. I didn’t know he could even do that. 

It’s great. 

We ended up playing video games in my room after I changed, both of us sitting on my bed. We made it about a third of the way through Halo when my mom came home from work. I called out a ‘hello’ when I heard the front door open and shut without taking my eyes from the screen, but Levi immediately hopped up and began patting his pockets, looking for his phone. It was still on the bed, so I picked it up and tossed it to him right as my mom opened the door to my room. 

“What’s the point of even having a door if you’re not going to knock?” I said a little annoyed. My mom had opened her mouth and put a hand on her hip, ready to give me the biggest lecture on privilege or something when she caught sight of Levi. Immediately, she began thinking- you can actually see it happen if you watch closely enough- before switching gears. 

“Eren, why didn’t you tell me you had a friend coming over today? Did you offer to let him sit down? Did you ask him if he’s hungry? Did you invite him to stay for dinner? Did you at least ask him if he wants a drink?” She took a slight pause, playing up her role as an obnoxious parent, “Were you even planning to introduce me?” 

She almost played her part perfectly, but at the very end she broke into a wide grin and I felt the answering one appear on my face. I definitely got my smile from her. I can tell that she’s mostly kidding about all of the questions, but Levi is staring at the floor, looking like he wants to sink into it. 

I gestured to him as I said, “Mom, this is Levi. He’s my chemistry lab partner.” 

I turned to Levi, “Do you want to sit down? Are you hungry? Would you like to stay for dinner? Would you like anything to drink?” Being a little shit is one of my many talents. 

Levi must have a lot of self control, because he completely ignored me and talked directly to my mom. “Thank you for offering Mrs. Jeager. I appreciate it, but it’s getting pretty late.” He looked down at me from the side of the bed and raised an eyebrow. 

I got the hint. “Okay, okay, I’ll actually take you home this time, I swear.” I said with a laugh. 

My mom watched the exchange, and then me getting up to grab my shoes and keys with a smile barely hidden behind her hand. “Well it was lovely meeting you, Levi. Anyone that can get Eren moving on the first try is welcome in our home anytime.” With that she gave him a genuine smile and went on her way. 

Levi looked quietly pleased and I sighed as I pulled on my shoes. He followed me back out to my car, calmer than he’d been since I saw him after practice. 

“You good?” I asked when we were on our way. 

Levi turned to me and said, “Your mom is really nice.” 

I couldn’t tell if he was answering my question or not, but I went with the subject change. “Yeah she’s pretty cool. Welcoming and all that shit.” 

“You look a lot like her,” he said seriously. 

I chuckled a little. “I got the good-looking genes.” 

Levi paused for a moment, “She doesn’t really look like anyone else around here,” he said slowly, as if he was choosing his words carefully. 

“You mean like, her skin tone and stuff,” I said and laughed again. “Dude yeah it’s cool. We’re Turkish with a little bit of Iranian thrown in. Well, not my dad. He’s German.” 

“And you live in Texas. How has that been going for you?” Levi asked dryly. 

“Yeah, I generally just tell people that we’re Turkish and Italian. Gives them a reason for the tan and then they don’t think we’re like, terrorists or something equally stupid.” I explained cheerfully. 

Levi shook his head in disgust. “So you have to hide it.” 

I waved him off. “I’m not hiding it. I just don’t really talk about it. It’s not like we’ve ever met any of our family from Iran. Far as I’m concerned, I’m an American, ya know? Besides, Reiner, Jean and Armin all know. Mikasa fucking lives with me, so of course, she knows. And now you. That’s everyone important.” He still looked skeptical so I put my hands up defensively. “No secrets, man, just strategy! That’s what a quarterback does.” 

“Put your hands back on the wheel,” he growled fortunately dropping the subject and I dutifully obeyed. That’s another thing that’s weird about Levi and I’s friendship. We’ve really only known each other a couple weeks but for some reason I feel like I can tell him anything. I should definitely be more worried that he knows like all of my secrets, but it feels like no big deal- like it was something bound to happen anyway. No use fighting it and trying to hide it. Besides, hiding things is always the major cause of problems in movies. I’m not going down that same road. The next thing I know I’ll be the quirky best friend in a rom com. Fuck rom coms. I’m too manly for that shit. 

When we got to Levi’s house I reached into the backseat and grabbed my book bag. Levi mumbled a quiet thank you when I wordlessly handed him my chemistry notebook. “What’re lab partners for?” I said with a toothy grin; he rolled his eyes. Saw that coming from a mile away. Friendship is beautiful. 

School on Tuesday was, overall, pretty boring. One of those days when everything is decent, but nothing special. Leaves you kind of restless. To be honest, I think I’m always feeling kind of restless. Like I’m always just on the cusp of something great and if I could just figure it out then maybe everything will suddenly change. 

Cusp is the perfect word for it. Thanks Armin. 

Jean seems to be feeling it too so maybe it’s a senior year kind of thing. All throughout weightlifting he was switching around from station to station, occasionally barking at the JV kids to quit standing around. 30 minutes in Coach kicked him out. Jean seemed relieved; he bolted out of there like his house was on fire. 

I was distracted during my TA period, nothing new there, and it didn’t help that Levi was skipping again today. Without him to keep me focused on something, anything, my thoughts were flying all over the place and my limbs felt all tingly. For the first time since the first day of school I couldn’t wait to go to practice. I needed to get the energy out. 

Jean was still out of sync at practice, but for once it put him at an advantage. Nobody seemed to predict where he was going to run, including me, but I happen to be one of the best quarterbacks in the state for a reason and am pretty good at thinking on the fly. We made some pretty amazing plays that day, but it was exhausting for me. People don’t think football is a mental sport, but man, it’s all strategy and thinking. Keeping up with Jean was a strain, that’s for sure. Coach seemed pleased though. After we finished practice, late, like normal, he clapped Jean and me on the back and told us to keep up the good work- easy for him to say. 

The two of us walked out to our cars a little behind Connie and Reiner and when we reached the point where we would split, I pulled him aside and asked if everything was okay. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jean said, running his hand through his sweaty hair. “Just some more stuff with my dad. Nothing major.” Before I could say anything else he waved me off and got into his Wrangler. Shit like this is hard. Now I see why Jean had such a hard time with the thing between Reiner and me. It’s like, I want to help because he’s my best friend, but meddling might not help at all. It could make it worse. Jean is one of those people who gives pretty great advice, but can never follow it. 

I put Jean out of my mind for the moment and probably wouldn’t have thought about him again that night, but around 9pm I was all settled in, playing Mass Effect, considering calling Levi just to bug him, when my phone went off. Caller ID said it was Jean and that’s just straight up weird. I’ve known Jean for years and I think I’ve actually talked to him on the phone a total of maybe three times. In fact, the only person I talk to over the phone is Levi and that’s only because that’s the only way to get ahold of him. I’m a big fan of texting. I answered the phone with a cautious “hello” and heard something that sounds suspiciously like someone holding back a sob. “Jean? Hey, Jean what’s up? Why’re you calling me?” 

He sucked in a breath and said, “Can I come over?” Wrong. It felt wrong. He sounded all raspy. Like trying-hard-not-to-cry raspy. Jean, well, he hasn’t cried in front of me since since he fell out of the tree in my backyard and broke his arm. That was seven years ago. I mean, it’s not that I’d care if he cried in front of me, but I think he’d care; he’s got a lot of pride. So, hearing him freak out definitely freaked me out. 

“Yeah, sure man, come on over,” I answered, after a moment to process. That hesitation probably made him feel even worse. Shit. I quickly added, “You’re welcome here anytime, Jean.” 

He let out a shaky breath and told me he’d be over soon. Before I could say anything else, he’d hung up on me. I put my phone down and started grabbing some blankets and pillows to make up a bed on the floor. 

Jean pulled into my driveway around 10pm and all I could wonder was what the fuck was happening this year. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that Jean was so upset. Jean’s not supposed to be like this. He’s not supposed to be sitting on my bed, hugging a pillow to his chest, doing his best to keep from crying more. The bruise on his cheek stands in stark contrast with his pale skin and it makes me feel sick. 

I didn’t know what to do. 

How do you help someone? 

I excused myself from my own room, phone hidden behind my back. Levi answered on the third ring. I skipped the traditional hello and dove right in, “Levi, I need some advice. Je- a friend of mine showed up at my house and he’s crying and he’s got this wicked bruise and he’s sitting on my bed, hugging my pillow. What the fuck do I do?” 

Levi was silent for long enough that I had to check and make sure that he hadn’t hung up on me. 

“Okay first off, calm down. Take a breath, Eren,” he said finally. 

I sucked in a lung full of air. Wrong place, wrong time, but geez, I like they way he says my name. It makes me sound like someone really manly or cool or something. 

Levi gave me another second before he continued, ‘Go get him a cup of tea. Tell him it’s a calming blend even if it isn’t.” 

“Tea? Are you serious?” I asked, skeptically. 

“Just do it. When he’s calmed down a bit ask him if he wants to talk about whatever happened to him. Don’t force him, though. Don’t bug it out of him, Eren.” 

Ugh, there he goes again. “You can’t see me but I’m rolling my eyes at that weak jab, dude.” 

“Do that,” Levi said a heartbeat later. “Make him feel comfortable like you do with me.” 

I opened my mouth to reply, maybe make fun of that sappy little comment, but Levi had already started speaking again. “Hey I’m sorry but I have to go. You can do this Eren. Good luck.” 

I pulled in another breath. “Okay, yeah, you’re right. I can do this. I’ll talk to you later and hey, thanks Levi.” 

“It’s fine. Bye, Eren.” 

With that I was on my own again, but that sick feeling from before had been replaced with something else. I wasn’t completely sure what it was, but weird feeling or not, Jean needed me. I slipped my phone into my pocket and made my way to the kitchen. I didn’t really understand the whole tea thing but if Levi says it’s a good idea than it probably is. Lucky for me, my mom always has some tea in the fridge. I grabbed the pitcher from the fridge and poured two glasses before I made my way back upstairs. I opened my bedroom door carefully and was happy to see that Jean seemed to have stopped crying. I went over to him and held out one of the glasses. He accepted it and took a small sip. “Is this sweet tea?” He asked, surprised. 

“Yeah, it’s a calming blend.” I said soothingly. Jean burst out laughing. 

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he choked out between laughs. 

“I am not!” I exclaimed indignantly. An idiot wouldn’t know what indignantly meant. “Levi said you give tea to people when they’re upset!” 

“Hot tea, dumbass.” 

“Oh.” I looked down at my glass. Messed up the one concrete piece of advice that Levi gave me. Cool. 

Jean took another sip. “Still kinda helps though.” 

It seemed like he was in a better place so I figured that it would be a good time to ask. “So, what happened? Are you okay?” 

He breathed in and out before answering me. “I kind of got into it with my old man.” He paused to take another sip of tea and I waited, wondering if it was Jean’s dad that had put that bruise on his face. “We were talking about gay shit again. You know my dad, Eren. He honestly believes that they’re unnatural. Like even thinking about associating with them will get you a one way ticket to hell. He was drinking wine with my mom and spewing all this bullshit about how they’re broken people who choose to live a life of sin. I should have just kept my mouth shut. It’s useless to argue with him when he’s like that.” Jean looked down at the glass in his hands. “I’m too stubborn.” 

“What did you say?” I prompted. 

“That it’s not a choice!” Jean was starting to get worked up into his normal rant mode. A good sign. I nodded to encourage him to keep going. “It’s not like someone just wakes up one day and is like, ‘hey I think I’m gonna be gay!’” He’s officially crossed over into rant mode and I knew that I should just let him go, let him get himself back to normal but my mouth moved before my brain could shut it down. 

“How do you think someone would know if they were gay?” I asked, interrupting him. 

He paused mid-sentence and blinked for a second. “Well I’m not an expert but your sexuality is all about who you’re attracted to, right? Who you think you could fall in love with I guess. So think about who you think about at night. Who you jack off too. Who you want to spend time with. Who you think is attractive. Who you would be okay with waking up next to in the morning and making eggs for. Who you think about when you space out. Whoever you’re thinking of is probably someone you’re attracted to and if it’s someone of the same gender as you then you’re at least a little gay. Well, ok maybe that’s not a foolproof method but that’s what I think about when I think of how to tell if I’m attracted to someone.” I was staring at him, lost for words. Jean snapped his fingers in my face, “Great you’re spacing out right now. Hey! Quit thinking about Krista and pay attention to me!” 

I was pulled out of my daze and while I was glad Jean had bounced back from his straight up shitty night, my mind was kind of reeling. Jean had been right on the money with almost everything he’d said. It was impressive honestly but he did get one thing wrong. 

I wasn’t thinking about Krista. 

I was thinking about Levi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is two days late. im sorry about that. school started up again and man college is just as hard as i remembered. this chapter is mainly here bc of the wonderful redrumwitch on tumblr. she is a goddess. it's fine.
> 
> anyway, thank you for all of the comments and views and stuff. they pick me up and help me write when everything feels wrong which is often. so yeah thank you so much.
> 
> the comments also help me to know if u guys like what im doing or if u all think im a nerd who needs to get their life together. 
> 
> come bother me on tumblr [right here](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com)
> 
> thanks again!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I ride my bicycle all the time. There’s one thing about my bicycle. I’m riding, I’m riding, I’m riding. And no matter how tired I start to get, it’s never about this pedal I’m pedaling, it’s about the next pedal, and if you can get to that next one, your bike will keep moving.” - Ray Lewis

After his ordeal, Jean decided to stay the night at my house. I’d seen it coming and had already set up a bed on the floor. Seeing him curled up on a pile of all of the extra blankets I could find around my house made me realize that Jean hadn’t stayed the night in a long time. Normally I’d just say it’s a school year kind of thing but he’s always spent a ridiculous amount of time at my house in the past and now I only really see him in class, church or practice. We used to go out fishing or stay in and play video games after practice almost every day of the week, but we haven’t really done that this year and the weirdest part is that I didn’t even notice until now. As I laid in bed, trying not to think about Levi, I made a list of goals with “Don’t drift away from Jean” at the very top. Making lists and plans in the middle of the night is a common way for me to spend my nights. It keeps me from thinking about whatever I happen to be avoiding at the moment. 

The next morning the bruise on Jean’s face had settled to a nice dark purple color. He’d had worse, but Jean was, understandably, pretty concerned about it. We ended up waking up Mikasa at 5am to see if she could help. She was grumpy but willing so as Mikasa worked a little magic with her make-up to make the bruise look less awful, Jean and I took turns trying to come up with a good story to explain how he’d gotten it. 

“You could say that you got in a fight with a bear.”

“Oh yeah because bears regularly punch people in the face. That’ll definitely sound real. Come on, Eren. What if we say that I got into a fight with like, ten bikers instead?” 

“I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that one. You couldn’t even take on one biker, forget ten.”

“You don’t think I could take on a biker?”

“I _know_ you couldn’t take on a biker. Remember that time you cried after Sasha pinched you?”

”I was six! And Sasha has a wicked pinch and you know it!” 

In the end, it was Mikasa who gave Jean his simple, aka boring, cover story. Some friendly wrestling between Jean and his excruciatingly handsome best friend, Eren, had led to an accidental black eye. Lame, if you ask me, but Jean liked it and this is his show after all.

To be honest, I’d love to just forget about the whole thing. Last night was so weird. Like a warped version of a sleepover or something. Jean had texted his mom to let her know where he was and that he was okay and we’d stayed up until midnight talking. The entire time I’d battled with the idea of telling Jean about what was on my mind. I’m so used to just going straight to him with my problems that these past few weeks have been insanely hard on me. I mean, I understand why I can’t go around blurting out other people’s secrets just to make myself feel better, but that doesn’t really make it any easier. This one in particular was hard to keep because this time it’s actually my secret to tell and man, I want his advice so bad. I’d never considered, like, a dude before. Girls were good. Better than good, really, but the swoops in my stomach and the wanting to be around Levi all the time and all of the stupid, sappy shit that Jean was spewing isn’t the kind of thing that I’m good at ignoring. Jean would be able to help, I just know it, but I’ve got to get my head together before I tell anyone.

I like Levi. As more than just a friend. 

Ugh. That’s such a shitty teen romance thing to say. 

It’s just that this is so fucking ironic. Like, here’s me of like two weeks ago, low key freaking out because I found out that Reiner is gay and then here’s me now, confused and attracted to a dude. I mean, yeah I was never like, completely disgusted by the idea of Reiner being gay, or at least not after the first little bit, but it’s one thing to not be grossed out and another to realize that there’s a chance that you fit that category too. I was just starting to get used to the whole idea of Reiner’s sexuality, and then this gets fuckin dumped in my lap. Great. I hadn’t even really met a gay person before this past month. 

I don’t know, man. I’m cool with Reiner being who he is, like hey do your thing dude, but is it hypocritical if I say it’s wrong for me? Like, I’ve never been into a dude before but… well, I know what it feels like to be into someone and I’m _definitely_ into Levi. I never even considered the idea of me liking dudes; it makes sense that I wouldn’t have realized that I felt that way about Levi. Would ignoring it help? I feel like I’d have to ignore Levi to ignore how I feel about him and that’s the problem. I just straight up don’t want to ignore him. I want to hang out with him. Like all the freaking time. 

The whole thing with Reiner was that I felt so insanely caught off guard. Nothing could have prepared me for it. He’s a great dude and who he does is his business. I haven’t even had a minor freak out at the idea of him hooking up with a guy for like four days and that’s some real progress. 

I think I was scared. 

Do you think my subconscious knew I was kinda into dudes? For that matter is it all dudes? Or just Levi? I’m not sure. 

I ended up falling asleep around 2am and the next morning Jean and I carpooled to morning practice. Practice for me was split between checking up on Jean and trying to figure my shit out but it’s hard to think about my serious life issues when I’m trying to lift over 170 pounds and keeping an eye on Jean is easier said than done. Jean is so fucking trusted by Coach that he generally spends a lot of time working with the other members of the team while Reiner and I get through the workouts from hell with the other seniors. We set the example and he’s the friendly face. “Sweet mentor of the youth” is what Coach calls him on the days Coach sees him do it. For his part, Jean is great at it. They really look up to him and today that really seemed to help him get past the shit show that was his Tuesday night.

It made me wonder how Jean’s parents are going to act when he sees them. He can’t stay at my house for forever unless we told my mom what happened and he flat out refused to do that so I guess he’s planning to go home tonight. I feel like his dad is the kind of guy that would try to sweep the whole thing under the rug, just straight up pretend it never happened. If I’m being honest, I kind of get why. There’s nothing this town loves more than gossip, but I guess it’s probably better for them to try to talk about it or something. Fat chance of that actually happening though. 

That day, Levi sat down next to me in chemistry, after coming in five minutes late. 

“Good to see you in class for once.” I said trying to stay casual. It was surprisingly hard. I was disgustingly happy to see him. I should hate him or something; this is a lot of inner turmoil (got ‘em Armin), over one guy. Is this why girls are normally so all over the place? If so, then I take back every time I ever called a girl was crazy because of the way she was acting. 

Well, except Hanji. She’s just insane.

Levi looked away from me and shrugged, “Yeah I figured I’d show up so I could ask how your friend was doing,” he paused and pulled a paper square from his backpack, “And to give you this.” He slid it over to me and I realized that it was a homemade cd case. It was folded in on itself and I struggled a second to try to open it without ripping the paper. He’d used some kind of thick paper that made the folds hard to figure out but when I managed to get it open, I pulled out the cd to look at it. The cd inside was plain, without a title or any writing except for the date printed in small, messy letters. There was nothing on it to give away what kind of music was on it and I found myself really hoping that he had actually made me the chill cd that we had talked about.

“Dude, I can’t believe you actually made me a cd. I think I’m swooning,” I said, holding the back of my hand to my forehead. “Are you courting me, Levi?”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Do you even know what swooning is? Stop letting Armin read to you.” I grinned at him and he changed the subject. “Anyway, what’s up with your friend?” 

I shrugged a bit, playing with my pencil as I talked to make it seem like we were actually doing lab work like we were supposed to. “It worked better than I thought it would. I kind of fucked up the tea thing but he seemed to calm down anyway.” 

“I’m not even going to ask how you managed to mess up hot tea,” Levi interrupted. 

I glared at him, “Anyway, He seemed okay by the time we went to bed but like, I don’t think is something that can be fixed by hot tea, ya know?”

“Anything can be fixed with hot tea,” Levi said solemnly. 

“Mr. Ackerman, Mr. Jaeger, have either of you gotten any work done at all.” We jumped at the voice coming from behind us and sure enough, Brzenska had snuck up on us and was looking at our incredibly blank lab sheets. Once she had confirmation that no, we haven’t gotten anything done whatsoever, she read us an impressive lecture on why we needed to try harder or “life will chew us up and spit us out.” 

Levi was looking at her like he was going to chew her up and spit her out, so I quickly tried to diffuse the situation, “Thank you for the life lesson, ma’am.”

She kicked me out of class. 

I spent the rest of the period dicking around on campus, too lazy to go to the roof, too afraid of Coach to go bother him in class but just as I was considering going to my car to get my Latin textbook, Jean texted me saying he was going to skip. Honestly, there’s no point in going to Latin if Jean isn’t going to be there so I shot him a quick question and five minutes later I was opening the door to the roof.

Let me take a second to say that Jean is one hundred percent a much better kid than I am. He talks big, but I think he’s only actually skipped class a few times during our years at East. He was a nice mixture of horrified and impressed when I told him about my key to the roof, but he’s never ratted me out and that’s how I know we’re best friends. I need someone to keep me in line and whatever the fuck that controls the afterlife knows that Skips-Every-Other-Day Ackerman sure as hell isn’t a good influence. 

Jean was already on the roof smoking a cigarette when I got there. I’m not sure why but I always seem to forget that Jean smokes. It’s the only thing that he does to stop himself from being a complete goody two shoes. I’m not the kind of guy that smokes regularly but special occasions… well. I set up the chairs I have hidden and Jean and I sat down. He held out a cigarette to me like the true gentleman that he is and I lit it up and took a drag. We sat in silence, letting all of the bad shit in cigs feed into our system, and I could tell that Jean wasn’t really okay. I wasn’t really sure what to say or even if I should say anything at all but it wasn’t like I could just step away to call Levi so we took our time smoking and I just let Jean think. I finished my cigarette and snuck a peek at Jean, trying to be subtle so he wouldn’t notice. I shouldn’t have bothered. Jean’s head was leaned back, eyes closed, cigarette butt in his hand forgotten as he soaked up the September sunshine. Just the fact he wasn’t talking was enough to show how rough this has been on him; the way he’s acting now, like the world around us is slowing bring him back down to earth, is a sign like no other. It made me wonder if I’d missed any other problems in Jean’s life.

Sometimes being a friend is hard.

We spent the rest of the period on the roof, not talking as Jean smoked another cigarette. I was starting to think that we’d stay up here forever but when it came time for English, Jean woke me up from my daze and insisted that we go to class. I considered ignoring him and taking a nap but letting Jean go to English alone would be a really shitty thing to do so I heaved myself out of the chair. Unfortunately I overshot and almost slammed my head onto the rooftop as I tipped over. Jean grabbed onto my shirt and my hands automatically grabbed onto his arm. That’s my best friend. Saving me from concussions and laughing at the fact that I can’t control my body on the reg.

We walked into English and as soon as we crossed the doorway, the smile we’d shared after I almost cracked my skull became more permanent. It was like we’d flipped some kind of switch. Back into school mode. No more somber (fuck yeah, Armin) Jean and Eren; we were back to our normal, obnoxious selves. It’s seemed like the kind of mood that would come off as fake considering what we’d been dealing with this semester but instead it just felt really good. Like, it helped me to pretend, if only for a little while, that life wasn’t such a mess right now. Jean with his da,d and me with, well, whatever the fuck is going on with this whole Levi thing. That English class taught me that lying to myself is both awful and amazing at the same time. 

We split up on our way to practice so Jean could get the work he missed in Latin, the little nerd, and since I still had some time to kill before practice I decided to take the long way to the locker room. 

Okay, I’ll be real here, I walked that way because I was hoping to run into Levi. I kind of figured he’d be the kind of guy that get there early, ya know, on the days that he actually shows up, so he can get everything set up and ready to go. I gave myself a mental pat on the back as I turned a corner and saw Levi standing outside of the band room, a drum balanced on some type of harness beside him. He was wrapping some type of tape around his drumsticks in a cool swirled design and only looked up when I had already stopped in front of him. I stuffed my hands into my pants pockets and grinned at him, “So do you normally go to practice on the days you skip? Because if not, then I’ve got some concerns about our halftime show.”

HIs lips curved up into a little half smile and I swear, my heart sped up a little. Ugh. Gross. 

“I could skip every practice from now until December and I’d still be a better player than half of the band.” 

I chuckled and he gestured to the half wall he was sitting on. I dropped my bookbag on the ground and heaved myself up onto the wall next to him. 

“So did you see your friend today?” he asked as he went back to taping his sticks. 

I nodded but avoided looking at his face, choosing to stare out into the parking lot instead. When Levi realized that I wasn’t going to say anything he continued, “Did he seem okay?”

“He actually ended up staying at my place last night so he looked mostly the same,” I said with a shrug. “I think he’s worried about going home tonight though.”

Levi nodded, biting his lower lip as he thought. You know, just another moment of Levi being weirdly attractive and me noticing at the wrong time. Like, seriously, we’re talking about serious stuff right now! It’s just that now that I know that it’s probably not just some friendly check out, we all know they exist, Levi is even more distracting. He’s got that whole dark clothes, light skin contrast thing going on, and sure, he’s short but he’s got some seriously defined muscles. In fact, I’ll bet he could bench more that half of the football team and absolutely murder them in arm wrestling. Not me of course, but like, the rest of the team. Except maybe Reiner. Which is top tier because man, they have at least half a foot on him.

I hadn’t even noticed that I’d completely stopped talking and zoned out while thinking about Levi’s arms until he whacked my arm with his drumstick. “What’re you spacing out about? Some cheerleader on your brain?” Levi demanded as I rubbed the spot on my arm.

“No, and actually I really wish people would stop assuming that,” I grumbled in reply.

Levi looked a little taken aback, “Um, sorry. I… yeah.”

I shrugged, “It’s fine I guess.”

“Let me try again. Were you thinking about your friend?” 

I nodded in reply. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell him what I was actually thinking about. Plus this topic makes me seem like a really good friend instead of a shitty teenager who can’t focus on real life problems because the guy he’s sitting next to is fucking gorgeous in a punk rock kind of way and could definitely wipe the floor with half of the football team in an arm wrestling match. 

Levi sighed, “You should text him tonight. Just keep up some random conversation, nothing too heavy, so he knows you’re there for him if he needs you.”

I thought about it for a second, “That’s...actually a really good idea. Saves his pride at least. He cares about that kind of thing.”

“Well, it’s nice to see that you’re a better friend than quarterback,” Levi commented as he hopped off of the wall. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

Levi threw a smirk at me as he said, “It sure looked like you had a couple of rough games these past two Fridays.”

“I’m one of the best damn quarterbacks in the nation!” I said indignantly. “Those games were rough because of reasons that I couldn’t control!”

“You’re about to be fifteen minutes late to practice,” Levi said as he lifted the harness for his drum over his shoulders, “how good can you really be?” 

I checked the time and when I saw that he was right, I did the mature thing and flicked him off as I walked backwards towards the locker room. He chuckled and gave me one of his little smiles so I smiled back and called out a “See you later,” before rushing off to get changed for practice. 

That night I took Levi’s advice and texted Jean throughout the night. We talked a lot about the team: who would replace us, how we’d do this year, plans for future team bonding, just everything. It was great because I got to check in with Jean and see how he was doing without him knowing about it, but I also got to talk to him about our team. See, Jean always knows more about the guys then I do. I mean, I know their preferred routes, catching ability, blocking rates, all the useful statistics, but Jean, well he knows how they're doing on a more personal level. I think it’s because he seems more approachable than me in games and practice; I’m always too busy staring off into the distance, thinking of our next move.

At morning practice on Thursday Jean seemed pretty happy even though he was quiet. i nudged him a little bit and reminded him to talk on and off the field and he smiled at me. Success for now. I was excited to tell Levi that my friend was doing better but to my supreme disappointment, he skipped band again. The only interesting part of my TA period was when Erwin left his section and came over to sit with me as I sorted music. It was more than a little weird; I hadn’t really talked to Erwin since the first week of school when he crashed my one-man roof party. I mean, I’m sure Erwin and I are chill, but I wouldn’t really even call us friends.

Erwin just sat down next to me and I felt myself automatically sit up a little straighter, expecting something important or inspirational, I don’t know, presidential I guess, to come out of his mouth. Instead he gave me a prize winning smile and said, “It’s nice to see that you and Levi are getting along.”

It took a second for my brain to catch up, but when it did I slouched back down and shrugged. Erwin sat with me for another minute in silence as if waiting for me to elaborate. I didn’t. It just felt kind of weird to talk to Erwin about something that has been so personal to me recently. And honestly, Erwin’s a weird dude. Like, the first time I talked to him we related so easily and he seemed so nice and friendly, now he’s still nice and still friendly, but it feels like we’re on separate wavelengths or something. Like, he’s up to something.

After I didn’t say anything for a minute or two, Erwin tried again. “So I heard he showed you his tree.” Erwin was trying to draw something out of me, but I had no clue what it was. All I knew was that my instincts told me to be careful, but it’s hard to guard against something when you’re not sure what it is. 

“Uh, yeah, I just kind of stumbled onto it.” Good pun, gold star for me.

“You know, normally he likes to be alone when he’s there. I’ve yet to hear of him ever hanging out with anyone there,” Erwin pressed.

“That sounds like him.” I agreed, pretending I knew where he was going with this.

“Then you agree that you two are pretty close. Would you say he thinks of you as a close friend?” I started to sweat. This was dangerous territory.

“Uh, sure, we’re pretty close?” I asked, my statement turning into a question. Erwin was looking at me with a calculating expression and under his gaze I could feel myself beginning to panic.That was a wake up call for me. I’m the goddamn quarterback of one of the best teams in the South and one teenage guy with a weird combover and a presidential outfit wasn’t going to intimidate me into feeling this way. I took in a deep breath and sat up a little straighter to snap myself out of it. 

“Yeah. Yes. We’re definitely close. Good friends for sure. He’s seen my room.” I wasn’t entirely sure why that last part had slipped out, but I wasn’t going to question myself at the time. Plus it was a fact and that made me feel like the rest of what I’d said was too. I mean, I know it was true but sometimes you’re not really sure of yourself at the moment but when Erwin raised his frankly gigantic eyebrows at me, the panic wormed it’s way back to the surface and I started babbling. “Not that seeing my room really means anything. Just that we’re friends. Because friends see each other’s rooms. You know, when they come to hang out. It’s nothing special. Jean’s seen my room. Connie’s seen my room. Armin’s seen my room. Oh shit, you probably don’t know who Armin is. Uh, he’s this little blonde kid with big-”

Erwin held up his hands to stop my mad scramble to sound normal and even though he fucking chuckled like we’re in some B rated romantic comedy, I appreciated him cutting me off before I made a complete idiot out of myself. Definitely achieved partial idiot though. Oh well. It happens. “Eren, calm down. I think I understand the situation.”

“Oh good. Nice. Both of us on the same page. Cool.” I was not on his page. I wasn’t even in his chapter. Probably a different book in a different library to be honest. Erwin looked like he had the whole thing mapped out and I felt like I was struggling just to start. I probably would have asked him for an explanation so I could start to get my life together but then the douchebag gave me the most patronizing smile in the entire world and my stubborn streak came barrelling out. 

Before he could get more than two words out I cut him off in my best Football Captain tone, “You know I don’t think you actually know what’s going on. In fact I’m pretty sure that whatever you think you know, is wrong. A figment of your imagination. But you know what it’s a figment of your imagination? All of the work that I still have to do to finish organizing this stupid cabinet. So thanks for the talk or whatever but I’ve got stuff to do.” I gave myself a mental pat on the back for the word “figment” and enjoyed the look of shock on Erwin’s face.

He stood up to go, murmuring, “Of course, Eren. We can talk more later.” 

I’ve always trusted my instincts and since they were screaming that Erwin was planning something, I decided to devote the rest of the class period to trying to figure it out aka I ignored the file cabinets. See, the thing is, it kind of seemed like Erwin knew about my weird romantic attraction…. yeah, okay I just really don’t want to say “crush.” It just sounds so fucking middle school. Like, I’m embarrassed for myself just thinking about it. 

Not like it matters though. I’m like 95% sure that Levi isn’t into guys and I’m only like 75% sure that I am. In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a pretty big fan of percentages because they give me a nice mental visual but they also remind me that I wasn’t 100% sure about anything and that kind of bugged me. I needed to do some research and the shower after practice seemed like the perfect place to do it. Also, I hadn’t jacked off since like, Sunday and holy fuck that is a long time. 

Okay it definitely counted as research because for me, sexual attraction is so important in a relationship. Not that I have a relationship. Just ya know, researching. Making sure it’s not some friend crush or something. You can’t jack off to a friend crush. Okay well, yeah, you CAN but it’s not as good as a regular crush. I mean, it’s still good, just, yeah. Anyway, I know that if I’m going to figure this whole thing out then I have to know if I can get off to him.

What a seventeen year old guy mentality.

Ugh. I need to get my life together.

So my plan was to only think about him. No girls, just Levi. To be honest, I thought it would be hard. I was right, but not really in the way I thought I would be. Lol, penis puns.

Thinking about his hands replacing mine and that smooth fucking voice talking to me got me hard embarrassingly fast and I honestly could have gotten off with just that, but I reasoned that a hand is just a hand and could really belong to anyway so I had to go deeper. You know, for science.

What do people normally think about when it comes to guys? What would a girl imagine? Naked guys? Abs? Dicks? I’ve never seen Levi without an obscene amount of black clothing on and I’m not very creative so I’m pretty sure that if I tried to picture him naked I’d end up picturing Connie’s body and that’s… well, that’s not preferred. So instead of living through that nightmare I just pictured the way his face would get more and more red as his hand pumped my dick. I’ll bet he’d be a little embarrassed and do that kind of flustered determination thing that he does and from there I was gone. My wonderful knowledge of porn took over and his face turned a little more wanting, a little more desperate and imaginary moans filled my mind. I was all in at that point, and all it took to send me over the edge was the mental image of Levi getting down on his knees, face red and eyes looking up at me. A few more twists of my wrist and I was done.

All in all it took about five minutes, total.

Well then. Look’s like my research yielded results. 

I climbed out of the shower on slightly shaky legs and wrapped a towel around my waist, feeling weirdly awkward about myself. It was kind of like being fourteen all over again. I walked out into my room and it turned out that the towel was a good move because Mikasa was already leaned back against my pillows playing Halo. Guess she’s ready to stay our weekly hangout. 

Twenty minutes later we were kicking ass and taking names, but after a few games I started to feel kind of shitty. Mikasa is my sister and we’ve shared everything ever since we’ve known each other. I know about the times that Mikasa goes home with Sasha after student council and gets high; Mikasa knows about every girl I’ve ever even made out with, but here’s me keeping this huge secret from her. I didn’t really know what to do. 

On one hand I didn’t really want to tell anyone but on the other hand I felt like the worse brother in the world for keeping from her. God, what if she got mad at me for keeping it from her? I don’t even want to think about how that would go. I was so distracted by it that in the next round I died twice as much as normal and Mika really had to pick up the slack. She didn’t say anything about it, just turned herself into an alien killing machine, but I could tell she was wondering what was going on with me so when we finally finished that level, I set down my controller and turned to face her. Mika looked at me with that calm, even expression of hers, the one she pulls out when she knows that a friend needs some encouragement, and I took a steadying breath. 

“Mika, there’s something I should tell you,” I paused, trying to find the right words but really what’s the right thing to say when you’re trying to tell your sister that you kind of have a thing for this one weird angry looking punk guy in your chemistry class? “I, uh… I don’t really know how to say this.-” I began but Mikasa cut me off.

“Then don’t. If you’re still trying to work out how to tell me something then you probably aren’t ready to say it. Is it something that’ll immediately affect me?” She asked and when I shook my head she carried on, “Then yeah, take your time. I won’t be mad or anything, I can wait.” 

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and pretended there was dust in my eye as she reached over and picked up my controller, tossing it to me so we could continue our game.

That night I sent the traditional “Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.” text to the team but this time around I tacked on a little extra motivation. “Remember that we carry the legacy of those who came before us on our shoulders but also ask yourself this: How will you be remembered? This year let’s leave our own legacy at East Trost.” I sent the text and tossed my phone down onto the bed beside me and stared up at the ceiling. I was tired but my brain was going in about a million different directions. Things were changing, I could feel it, but I wasn’t sure a guy so steeped in tradition can face change well. I probably would have gone on brooding for another couple of hours but right around then my phone rang and caller ID said it was Marco. 

I picked it up and hit answer, “Um, hello?”

“Whatever you’re thinking about, just stop!” I was more than a little surprised to hear Reiner’s voice, a little too loud and a little too close to my ear, coming from my phone. I checked the caller id and yes, it definitely said Marco’s name.

“What? Reiner? Why’re you calling me from Marco’s phone?”

“We haven’t really hung out since last weekend and I know you said we were cool and all but I wasn’t sure and I thought you might not answer if I called from my phone so I’ve got Marco here in a headlock,” At this point I heard a muffled ‘hello’, and then Reiner went right on talking. “Look man, I’ve known you for years and I can tell when somethin’ is botherin’ you and that sappy little mini speech you just sent the team set off my ‘Eren-alarm’ big time! So whatever it is that you’ve swimmin’ around in the big ole head of yours, quit thinkin’ about it! Just stop! Or like resolve it or somethin’. Make a pros and cons list, I don’t know and I don’t care! Just quit dickin’ around about it!”

“I’m not dickin’ around about it! It’s only been two days,” I said weakly.

“Yeah but we both know you move fast Eren. You got over my thing with- well, you got over it in like a week! A week, Eren and that was a pretty life changin’ kind of thing! You’re just that kind of guy. You make up your mind, and then you go for it, and then you’re good. It’s awesome, man. So yeah, quit thinkin’ and just do it or don’t do it. All in or nothin’ at all, okay?”

I took in his words and started to feel ashamed of myself. Reiner is such a good dude and I almost completely fucked up everything with him. “Why’re you being so chill, dude? You’re kind of acting like I didn’t almost completely ruin your life.”

Reiner sighed and answered me slowly, as if he was easing me into his words,”Look Eren, you’re right. You made me feel like absolute shit, like, I was so terrified you have no idea, but you also came to me and apologized. And man, I get it. You were confused and probably a little scared yourself. It’s not an excuse but like, I know how you were feelin’. I mean, your family is probably the most progressive one in this town, but Jeager we live in Texas. You could have done a lot worse to me.”

“That’s your reasoning? That I could have done worse? Reiner, what the actual fuck?”

“What’s the point of holdin’ a grudge? We’ll all be out of here in a year and I want to enjoy my senior year. Everyone does shitty stuff. It’s all about perspective.” He paused, letting his words sink in, “Quit thinkin’ so much, QB.”

I stared up at the ceiling, mulling over what Reiner had said for a long time after we both hung up until finally I was able to fall asleep.

Friday morning was perfect.

The air was crisp and clean and the leaves outside my bedroom window were just starting to change color, the light streaming into my room bathed my bed in a nice mix of green and orange. I enjoyed my extra couple of hours in bed and woke up slowly, the window light falling just below my face. Fall is the absolute best season. Everything big happens in Fall: football, school, Homecoming. I feel like the leaves changing color is a sign for the team too, like suddenly we’re on top of the world. 

Armin, Mikasa, and I pulled into East’s parking lot on time for once, only to see a familiar blonde ponytail waiting on the sidewalk. 

“Shit.” I said ducking down in my seat. You know, once Armin called me ‘eloquent’. I’m pretty sure he was being sarcastic.

“What’s wrong?” Armin asked. What a sweet little coconut.

“Krista’s waiting for me.” I muttered, avoiding looking back at him in the rearview mirror.

“I thought you liked her,” he said, eyebrows furrowing.

I bit back a groan as I gave him an explanation. “I, uh, don’t like her anymore. At least not the way she likes me.” 

See, the thing is, Armin’s always kind of thought of Krista as a goddess and I could feel the dirty look he was sending me scorching the back of my head. Unsurprisingly, Krista has always basically ignored Armin, probably because of the age gap. I know some people aren’t into that kind of thing. I mean it makes sense; two years makes a big difference. Not to mention that Armin has always kind of been a tag-along with me and Mikasa. He’s the only non-senior in our group except Sasha and she gets a free pass because A: she’s fucking Connie, and more importantly, B: she can fit an entire bag of marshmallows in her mouth at once.

Anyway, I didn’t have enough time to completely explain myself to Armin because Krista was already marching over to my car. She didn’t seem particularly angry but I’d basically ignored her for almost a week so I would have been insanely surprised if she wasn’t pissed. I barely had a minute to collect my thoughts and throw a panicked look at Mikasa and then Krista was on me. I stumbled my way through half of a ‘hello’ before she cut me off. “Why haven’t you texted me?”

I tried to look at something, anything but her face, “Oh well I had to help out Jean because… his mom’s… aunt’s… dog… died and it was a very emotional time for the entire family and having a good support system-”

“Save it, Jeager,” Krista advised. “You owe me for this past week. A date. Saturday. Got it?”

“Oh wow, uh, thanks.” I could literally feel my dignity crumbling and it was then that I thought eh, fuck it. “Actually, I can’t. Sorry Krista.”

“You… can’t?” She asked, confusion in her eyes.

“Yeah. I just don’t really want to.”

She blinked. “You don’t want to?”

Things were starting to get pretty awkward so I made my escape. “Yup. Well, I have to get to class so see you later!” 

I quickly turned and walked away from her as fast as possible without actually running. I didn’t try to look back at her until I was safely inside my building. She was standing as if rooted to the spot looking a little bit dazed as Armin stood awkwardly next to her, clearly unsure of what to do. Fortunately Mikasa, the I need but don’t deserve, started talking to Krista, hopefully doing some kind of damage control. I heaved a sigh of relief and went off to class feeling lighter than I had all week. It was definitely shaping up to be a good day. 

The rest of the day was spent avoiding Krista and normally something like that would have really gotten me down but I still felt amazing. The sun was shining, the leaves were changing, and I didn’t have to go on another make-out-to-distract-us-from-each-other date. I was in such a good mood that I even went to all of my classes and it seemed like everyone around me was so hype for the game. It was amazing, like the whole day had been charmed. Jean was the closest to his old self that I’d seen since Tuesday, Connie made a “B” on a math quiz on the first try, and even Levi showed up to chemistry. A true Christmas-in-September miracle. I kept making stupid faces at him while he tried to concentrate on the lab, occasionally correcting his mistakes in the most obnoxious way possible, trying to bother him into paying attention to me.

Eren Jeager, actual five year old.

I’m fine.

I wasn’t really sure what it was about Levi that made me want his attention most of the time. So instead of spending time preparing for the full contact sport that I was about to play in a few hours, I ended up trying to sneak my dumb faces past Brzenska without getting caught. Lucky for me, it’s a home game and everyone else in the class was keyed up too, causing the perfect distractions. For his part, Levi managed to completely ignore me. Well, other than the one particularly strong glare he shot my way towards the beginning of class.

At the end of the day I learned that my persistence had paid off as Levi fell into step with me as I made my way out to my car to stow away my book bag. At first he didn’t say very much, just let me talk about the game and nodding every now and again, but right as we were about to go our separate ways so I could get changed and he could get food before the game, he turned and looked me straight in the eye. 

When he was sure he had my attention, Levi said, “I know you’re kind of an idiot and you can get way too far into your own head, but I think you guys are going to be great tonight.” 

I stood there for a second trying to think of a way to play off how much that meant to me. 

I clutched a hand to my chest and said, “Aw, Levi, you’re so inspirationall! Give me your token to tuck into my pocket for luck!”

He shook his head in secondhand embarrassment but I saw the small smile on his face as he shoved me towards the locker room, “Yeah, Yeah, go be a leader or something, will you?”

I gave him a little salute. “Anything for you, baby!” Levi just rolled his eyes and walked away in the direction of the band room.

On an unrelated note, he wear some really nice jeans. Very tight. 

I need help.

Walking into the locker room, I could feel the excitement in the air. The entire team was bouncing off the walls, excited with the idea of an easy game and ready to be out on the field again. The atmosphere was infectious. After just a few minutes I found myself joking around with Connie and Reiner. It was the kind of feeling that made me think that we were finally going to have a game go easy. Team dinner was full of the sounds of guys joking around and laughing and talking to the other players was a breeze. I spent a little extra time with the backup quarterback, who kind of looked like he was going to throw up, because he knew that Stohess wasn’t supposed to be a very good team. Bad teams equal a wide points gap and an increased possibility for him to go in. Poor kid. I was planning to be twenty points ahead by third quarter.

The locker room speech was where the mood turned serious. The entire team was kneeling on the floor of the locker room, pads on, helmets in hand, just waiting as Coach looked down on us. His face was set, stern, ready to deliver what he thought we needed most to get us through this game. He looks like a hardened general, facing his army before they march into battle. His expression seemed too deep for the kind of game we were about to play and I couldn’t help but think that something was up. 

When the locker room was quiet enough to hear a pin drop he started, “When you come into this room you leave extra thoughts at the door. Our record, the other team’s record, how you think the game is going to go, all of that is left at the door. We play our hearts out for every single game. We give our all every single game. We do not take a break. We do not slack off. We can win this game but to be the best and stay there we must give our best at every. single. game. That team out there is just as determined as we are and you can bet that they aren’t going to go down without a fight but here’s the thing boys, _they’re in our way_. We will not go around them. We will not go under them. We are going to go straight through them. When we call out our motto know that it is a promise to put everything we have into this game and absolutely nothing less.” Coach paused to look us over, his sharp eyes picking out each and every one of us. “Gentlemen, Clear eyes. Full hearts.”

The answering “Can’t lose” thundered through through the locker room and it seemed to stay with us as we stepped out onto the field. We were ready.

The first quarter went well for us. Two minutes in Jean scored with an absolutely incredible break away and I threw some solid balls to maintain our lead. The team was pumped up and giving their all and I started to understand what Coach was talking about back in the locker room. It doesn’t matter who you’re playing, you have to give everything you’ve got for every single game or you’ll never be able to really improve. And it’s a good thing that the team was convinced to take this game seriously because even though we had a solid lead, it seemed like every time we thought about slowing down, catching our breath, Stohess was right there, ready to take the lead out from under us.

The second quarter was where things took a turn for the worse. Stohess had upped their game and were pressuring us from all sides. We managed to hold onto the lead but lost so many points to them that I was starting to get nervous. With half a minute left in the second quarter I called the guys together to discuss a play and gave Jean free range so I could get my head together. When I came back Jean clapped me on the shoulder and said “Short pass, right to me on the left side.”

It was objectively a good plan. Simple, not hard to make work, but that right there was the problem. The defense saw right through our play and as soon as the ball left my hands I knew it wasn’t going to make it to Jean. A big defender snatched the ball out of the air and had a mostly open field in front of him. The only thing standing in his way was me, the QB, the guy who _isn’t meant to tackle_. My body moved on pure instinct. He may have weighed about seventy pounds more than me, he may have had a few inches on me, and he may have had some really solid momentum propelling him forward, but I had determination. 

It was almost enough.

I launched myself at him with no hesitation at all and as we collided, my arms wrapping around his waist and my shoulder digging into his hip, it felt like time slowed down. I could feel my force pushing against and his pushing back. I could hear the screams and cheers from the crowd and the yell that came from Jean as I began to lose the battle. I knew that I couldn’t push him back so mid-tackle I changed tactics and pulled him down instead. For the last moment of slow motion I looked up to see the mass of muscle about to crush me and then my head hit the ground.

A moment passed and I stayed still, even after the defender had gotten up. I could tell that people were getting concerned and the last thing I wanted was to be taken out of the game so I heaved myself up, making my head dizzy in the process and took in the world spinning around me. Focus on one stationary point. That’s what you do when you have the spins. So I planted my feet on the ground below me and focus on the fifty yard mark to bring my head back down to Earth. While I was getting myself together, Jean came running up to me. He seemed worried but I brushed off his questions as the buzzer sounded, announcing the end of the second quarter and the start of halftime. We slowly made our way to the locker room, Jean shotting me worried glances the entire trip, but before we made it into the building, I heard a familiar voice calling my name.

I turned and saw Levi weaving his way through the crowd of people on the field, dressed in the full band uniform except for that hat tucked under his arm. I could feel myself making some kind of goofy smile, but Levi came right up to us and gave me a quick once over before turning to Jean. 

“Something’s wrong with him. That hit was hard and he’s not used to tackling. Look at that stupid expression; I’m telling you, something is wrong with him.” Someone was calling Levi name through the crowd and he glanced back once to check who it was before turning back to us with renewed urgency. “Eren, listen to me, sit out the rest of the game, okay?”

“Levi, I’m fine. I promise,” I managed to say with my head still swimming. Levi looked ready to pick me up and take me off the field himself but just then a tall blonde guy with a pretty solid teenage mustache came over to haul him away. Levi called out to me as the blonde giant dragged him behind him but I couldn’t hear what he was saying over the sound of the rest of the band warming up.

Putting Levi out of my mind, Jean and I hurried into the locker room. I was started to feel more clear though still kind of out of it so when Coach came over to ask me if I was okay, I gave him a thumbs up and gulped down some water. He nodded and clapped me on the shoulder before rushing off to to talk to Jean and Marco.

Now I just want to say that halftime isn’t the break people think it is. It’s time spent strategizing, fixing the chinks in East’s defensive armor while trying to find ways to exploit the weakness in the other team’s. 

By the time we were running back onto the field I was exhausted, mentally and physically but it was too close of a game for me to sub out this early. Second half is when things get really rough.

I made it about eight minutes into the third quarter. Everything was going okay; my passes were a little off but not enough for anyone but our team to notice and I never ran the ball but we were defending our lead well enough. Until I was pressed to throw the ball and didn’t have an open man and a Stohess defender broke through our offensive line. Just like before it was as if time had slowed around me. I knew I was going to get sacked and even though my mind was screaming at me to get out of the way, my body knew a lost cause when it saw one. I felt the impact of his tackle reverberate through my bones and I could feel myself falling, could feel the football slipping from my grasp, but the only thing I could hear was the sound of two voices screaming my name. One deep and soothing. The other, a voice I’d heard since the day I was born. The last conscious thought I had before my head hit the ground was that I should have listened to Levi.

Then, in the blink of an eye, my head slammed into the ground and my world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS ON TIMEEEEEEE. its like 8pm here. im so proud of myself! writing this one was a longggg process. it's the second longest chapter, behind chapter 1 by about 1500 words and guys it took me 2.5 months to write chapter 1. maybe im getting better at this??? idk. i listened to so many motivational speeches while writing this and dude i know ray lewis has some possible major character flaws but damn can the man speak! Coach's speech was so fun to write so lemme know if u liked it or not.
> 
> anyways, shouts out to desiree for beta-ing 4 me. witch 2 bomb
> 
> to everyone that commented or left kudos or messaged me on tumblr, thank you all so so so much. idk guys i just get really down on myself and my writing and it makes it so hard to do anything but when i see the nice things ppl have to say it just lifts me up. idk. sappy jay is now a thing i guess. 
> 
> come bother me on tumblr [right here](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog." -Archie Griffin

I opened my eyes to a blurry world, the stadium lights outlining the face looming above me as my eyes struggled to make out who it was. I tried to force myself to focus and speed up the process but my brain felt like water and the pounding in my head made it hard to concentrate. The air around me felt thick, as if it was physically muffling out the noise of the crowd and I couldn’t figure out if that was it or if the stadium was actually just that quiet. I wracked my brain, trying to think of a reason for the world around me to fall silent. Football games are crazy and loud and exciting; the only reason it would be quiet at a game would be if a player was injured. 

My mind tried to move on, tried to figure out exactly who could be hurt but all I could remember was having the ball and then going down and not having the ball anymore. Okay so then I must have gotten the pass off and whoever I threw it to is probably the person that’s hurt. 

An image of Jean flew into my mind, his body broken on the ground and lying completely still except for the shallow breaths expanding his chest, his father holding onto his mother as she cried on the sidelines. 

It was enough to get my mind and body working a little better. The stadium lights stopped blinding me and the first thing I realized was that it was Coach’s face hovering over me. The second thing I realized was that his mouth was moving. 

He was definitely trying to talk to me and it took a supreme act of willpower to focus enough to figure out what he was saying to me. 

“Eren. Eren! Hey, focus on me, okay? Are you listenin? Hey! No dice QB, quit tryin to get up! Ya hit your head pretty hard. Athletic trainer is on her way to the sidelines to check ya out. The whole crowd saw ya go down and shut up real quick.” 

I ignored Coach’s words for the most part and managed to sit myself up as his last sentence sunk in. They were quiet for me? 

I was the one injured? 

My first emotion was relief. My guys were okay. No broken Jean, no crying parents on the sidelines, thank God. 

My second emotion was panic. If they were going to check out my head then I was going to be taken out of the game for sure and that was Not Okay. Once I realized that, I began struggling to stand up, my brain trying get around the hammering in my head and figure out exactly how my legs worked while also attempting to come up with a way to convince them not to take me out of the game. 

Coach’s voice was soon joined by Jean’s as he came up on my side to support some of my weight and even though I wasn’t paying any attention to what they were saying, they both kept talking to me as they helped me hobble off of the field. I wanted to yell at them, shout out that I was fine and that I didn’t need their help, but a few steps forward made me realize that I could barely even walk with the two of them helping me. I felt my throat close up and I tried to swallow even as I felt my eyes begin to water. 

I wanted to punch something.

The team didn’t need this.

Tonight was supposed to be the goddamn easy game. 

These past few weeks have felt like a constant uphill battle, where every time I gain some ground I get pushed back down. This year wasn’t supposed to go like this, I thought as the first few tears slid down my face. Senior year was supposed to be my year. My fucking year! But instead I’ve had problems everywhere I turn, with Reiner, with Krista, with Jean, with Levi-

Oh shit, Levi. He’d told me to sit out, told me not to play. He knew something was wrong and he tried to tell me, and I just brushed him off. And for what? So I could play an honestly, pretty awful ⅔ of a quarter and get knocked on my ass. Cool.

Why the fuck am I so dumb?

Coach and Jean finally got me over to the sidelines and I realized that hey, I was basically useless right then. I couldn’t seem to walk in a straight line and I had a hard time answering the questions that the athletic trainer was asking me. It was even worse when the sports medicine teacher came over to ask me more questions; it felt like failing a test. By the time she was done talking to me, my mom had made it through the crowd to A) see if her poor child was okay and to B) give her poor child the scolding of a fucking lifetime. Apparently some sweet marching band kid had found her and asked her to take me out of the game. She spent a second describing them, something about the short kid that she’d met once, blah blah blah, but I was too caught up on how stupid I was to really pay attention to her.

I spent a solid few minutes cussing myself out as an athletic trainer fluttered around me and a migraine began to worm it’s way into my system. It was a lot to handle and I could feel the tears that had been threatening me after the first few had slid out come up into my eyes. My mom paused her rant/story for a second and studied my face in surprise. I was hoping she had forgotten about yelling at me when she reached forward for me. I let myself be pulled into her arms as a tear slid down my cheek. Mom gave me a squeeze and asked if I was okay and I nodded and wiped my eyes, trying to get a handle on myself again. She let go and slid her arm around my waist and my mind slid away from everything as the pain behind my eyes got worse. I was kind of glad to get away from the noise of the crowd and the stadium lights glaring down at me.

My mom gave me a shorter lecture on the way to the hospital, but my mind was so far away from her. The only thing I listened to was the very end. 

Mom patted my knee without taking her eyes off of the road and said, “You’re lucky to have such a good friend in Levi. He really seems to care about you.” I finally wrapped my head around her description from the field and realized that Levi must have been the one to go and find her in the stands. It came as a weird sort of shock and all I could think about was the way Levi had looked at me when I told him I would be fine to finish the game. His eyes had gone all dark and his face sort of scrunched together as he tried to think of a way to convince me not to play. I can’t believe he went to my mom. 

She’s right; he really does care. I’m lucky.

I know that I probably should have felt scared or pissed off or something negative about what happened to me, but all I felt was a weird little warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe it was the hit to the head, but I was starting to maybe kind feel happy. It felt damn good to be cared about by Levi.

Now if only we could make the leap from friendship to more-than-friendship. Wishful thinking, I guess. Gotta keep the dream alive. My mind supplied me with the image of Levi at halftime, red faced and panting, only in my mind it sure as hell wasn’t because he’d had to chase me and Jean down. I shook my head a little, which was a mistake but it did what I wanted it to and cleared my mind of the thoughts that I definitely shouldn’t have been having with my mom in the car with me. The last thing I needed was a hard-on as we pulled up to the hospital. Hospitals are shitty enough without extra humiliation.

See the thing about hospitals is that I almost never get out with the best case scenario. This time was no different. I was hoping to just pop in, talk to a doctor, have them tell me to be more careful, maybe have to take a couple of days off of practice and then be on my merry way. 

Instead I was stuck in the hospital for hours, getting scans while the athletic trainer talked to the doctor for me and my mom sat in the waiting area messing around on her phone. She’s just gotten into texting and my dad is suffering because of it. Whatever. That’s what he gets for never being here. 

I fuckin’ hate the hospital. It’s too clean and too bright and even though they’re supposed to be helping people feel better, no one has bothered to give me something for the splitting headache pounding into my brain right now.

That sounds weirdly sexual. And I was back to thinking about Levi. Nice.

When I was finally released and my mom had ushered me into the car, I looked down at the papers from the doctor. Two weeks. I have to spend two weeks away from contact sports. All of those warm and fuzzy Levi feelings were gone.

Two fucking weeks. Two weeks of no practice and no games. Just when things were starting to look up, it all comes crashing down with one little piece of paper.

I wanted to tear it in half. Maybe if the note didn’t exist than my concussion wouldn’t either. Wishful thinking. 

That night I wobbled my way out of my mom’s car and dragged myself into the shower, trying not to fall asleep standing up as I washed away some of the dirt from the game. To be honest, I probably only got about half of it off but as I shuffled over to my bed and collapsed on top of my covers, I realized that I didn’t give a shit. I barely made it under my blankets before my limbs started getting heavy and my eyes began sliding shut. I had just enough energy to plug my phone into it's charger and I was out like a light.

It was early afternoon when I finally woke up to a continued headache and way too many texts on my phone. I tried to go through them and reassure my friends that I was okay but even looking at my phone screen for a minute made my head rage. I groped at my bedside table and grabbed the papers from the hospital. Yup. Right underneath the bit about staying out of contact sports was a section stating that I shouldn’t look at screens or read for about a week. Apparently that’s how you rest your brain. Cool.

I managed to get out a text to Jean, just a small update and a request for him to let everyone know I’m okay. Afterwards I huffed out a sigh and and locked my phone, leaning back into my pillows and throwing an arm over my eyes. I’d slept through the morning, nearly twelve hours, but I was still so fucking tired. I rolled onto my side and noticed a note and some painkillers on the bedside table, just out of reach. I pulled myself up and read through the note from my mom saying she’d be back late tonight and to call her if I needed anything. It took me another two hours and the painkillers she’d left for me to get to feeling semi normal. My headache had calmed down a bit but screens were still off the table.

By 2pm I was incredibly bored. Day one. 

I’d never really realized how much my life revolves around screens and football. Like if I’m not in practice or working out then I’m checking my phone or playing video games. Now I’m stuck with nothing to do. No runs, no videogames, no phone. The only other thing I do is bother Levi who seems to generally avoid screens unless I’m forcing him to play Halo with me. I briefly considered calling Levi to come entertain me, (wink wink nudge nudge except not really) but I figured he was still probably mad at me for ignoring his advice so I chickened out and thought about trying to text Jean or Mikasa before I realized that they were both at work. Hanging out with Armin gave me headaches even when I didn’t have a severe concussion so he’s out too.

I spent another hour or so dicking around, doing absolutely nothing, before I finally caved. Levi picked up on the second ring and after an awkward round of hellos, he asked, “How’s your head?” 

I could feel myself begin to relax at the sound of his voice and as I answered with an “eh” sort of sound, my mouth relaxed into a grin. He took the hint from there and we talked about everything but my concussion. Chemistry, the lake, the team. I asked him about the band and he gave me some general updates while sliding in that we’d won the game last night. The final score was a lot closer than I was hoping it would be but a win's a win. Apparently Reiner had really stepped up to lead the team and I was so glad to hear that he’s gone back to how he used to be. 

I couldn’t help but groan when I heard about the problems the second string quarterback had caused. “Ugh. I should have been there!” I lamented (yeah Armin’s been on his game recently) into the phone.

“So you could do what, exactly? You could barely walk, Eren,” Levi pointed out. “Besides, there’s a reason the team has two captains.” 

I sighed into the phone and decided to avoid the fact that he was right with a question that I knew would throw him off. “Hey, wanna come over?”

I wish I could have seen his face because he’d definitely been expecting some kind of an argument from me. He sounded pretty bewildered, but agreed to come over anyway. Twenty minutes later I answered the door with a slightly dopey smile and only a small wobble in my step. Levi was at my doorstep, a book bag slung over one shoulder, looking uncomfortable.

I felt my grin threaten to split my face; it felt good to have him here. Like, my brain may be on the endangered species list but at least the guy that, let’s be honest here, I definitely have a thing for, is willing to show up at my house, no questions asked, just because I asked him to come. I let him in and answered his unspoken question, “Mom and Mika are gone. I guess they thought I’d sleep all day.” 

We reached the second floor and Levi opened the door to my room without a moment of hesitation. “I kind of wish they’d been right because sleeping through the day sounds so much better than this fucking headache.”

Levi frowned a bit as he set his book bag down. “Can’t you take medicine for it?”

I shrugged, “I mean, yeah, but there’s only so much you can take, ya know?” 

I could tell that I was basically complaining, and generally I try to avoid that around Levi because, wow, the guy’s like 5’4”, he probably has a lot to complain about. Even though the height works for him. He’s compact. Anyway. I try not to complain around Levi, but dammit I spent time in the hospital and had a jazz rhythm beating through my skull. Fortunately he didn’t seem to mind too much. 

Levi unzipped his book bag as he said, “Yeah I figured you’d have some kind of headache so I brought along something that might help.”

I couldn’t help it. I’m 17. My brain immediately jumped into two directions, one best case scenario and one worst. 

Best Case Scenario: he’s planning to give me a blow job. Sure, it might be a little awkward at first because how does one just jump into gay oral sex? But let’s be completely honest here, I’d say yes in a heartbeat, and goddamn i know it would feel so good. Although I guess I don’t know what he’d be pulling out of his book bag if that was the case. Also, I think you’re supposed to avoid sex for a bit when you get a concussion….

Worst Case Scenario: Drugs. Which is ridiculous because there’s no way Levi would bring drugs to my house, right? I mean, there have been a lot of rumors about Levi over the years and drugs have definitely been in a lot of them but he’s not really like all the insane rumors say he is but fuck what if it is drugs? Football players at East get drug tested all of the time. I’d love my chance at getting a scholarship. Goodbye Notre Dame. Goodbye NFL.

Levi was looking at me, clearly expecting some kind of an answer and I managed to pull out a, “Yeah, sure, lay it on me,” in the least manly voice possible. Whoever looked at me in fourth grade and thought ‘Gee, this kid looks like he’d do well under pressure. Let’s make him a quarterback,’ was so so wrong.

While I was having an internal freak out, Levi pulled out a pad of thick paper and something that looked incredibly familiar. “Are those watercolors?” I asked to be on the safe side.

“No they’re fifteen rocks in different colors that I’m going to pray to to try and get your head to heal,” Levi deadpanned. “Yeah they’re watercolors. I read that painting helps with brain healing. Why? What did you think they were?”

“I, uh, kind of thought it was like, drugs or something,” I answered sheepishly.

Levi smirked, “Well, that wouldn’t be very responsible. I read that you shouldn’t use any recreational drugs while recovering from a concussion.”

“You checked?” I squeaked out.

Levi just laughed and got up to fill up a cup with water from my bathroom sink before setting up the paints at my desk. He gestured to the chair and I took the hint and sat down. I could feel a slight blush on my cheeks and I decided to blame the concussion for how much Levi was affecting me. Normally, I’m like 50% more smooth. 

“So, uh, Mina, the art teacher, have you met her? Well she said that water colors are calming and Erwin suggested that I bring some to you the next time I see you so, here they are. Do you know what to do?” Levi asked.

“You put the brush in the water and then in the paint and then on the paper. How hard can it be?” I joked.

Painting, it turns out, is fucking hard.

I’ve never been the most artistic guy at East Trost but damn, watercolors are what they give to kindergarteners. My biggest watercolor problem is that you can’t erase. I can’t start over. So while Levi is beside me, sketching a perfect picture of the tree outside of my window, I’m getting kind of frustrated over the stupid elephant I was trying to paint. Levi was no help, ignoring my struggle completely. However, despite how hard it is to paint with watercolors, Levi (and Mina) were right. My headache had sort of settled to a dull throb, and eventually I gave up trying to paint something specific,just messed around with the colors, and it became calming. There’s something about the way the colors bleed into each other and blend on the paper that made me feel a tiny bit better about well, everything.

About half an hour in, Levi and I started talking, chatting about life. 

“The team did well even without you there. Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?” Levi said, not looking up from his sketchbook. 

I sighed, knowing he was right and completely avoiding saying so. “Being a captain sucks. Hell it’s not just the captain thing. Being quarterback sucks. You’re stuck making all of the tough calls about the team and it feels like everyone is just waiting for you to either carry the team to victory or to come crashing down.” Levi shifted a bit , eyes still downcast. 

“I’m glad 2B did okay.” I added as an afterthought.

Levi lifted an eyebrow. “2B?”

“2B. Like newbie. but it’s funny because he’s the second string quarterback. So like QB except 2B.”

“Interesting.” His tone told me that was sarcasm. “Well, I guess at a school like East you have a lot to live up to.”

“Ugh. It’s so dumb! Everyone expects football players to act a certain way and if you’re not careful, you’ll buy right in,” I said bitterly.

Levi sounded skeptical when he asked, “How exactly are you different from who they think you are?” He paused, waiting for an answer, but there was absolutely no way I was going to tell him what exactly made me different. That was dangerous territory. When I stayed silent for a minute he continued, “You go out and get drunk after games, you date cheerleaders, you freak out when you find out that one of your friends is gay… Come on, tell me Eren, what do you think makes you so different?”

The thing is, he’s right. On paper I do fit the mold. Sure, I’ve got a few quirks, but most of me is cut straight, haha straight, from the stereotypical jock. It’s just, you know, the whole wanting-to-kiss-a-guy thing. So I just shrugged and said, “Well, for one thing I’m a budding artist.” Levi’s eyes drifted to my paper, full of blending colors that could probably have been painted by a five year old and a small smile spread across his face.

Before I knew it, the clock hit 6pm and the front door opened and shut. Mikasa knocked on my door and I called out for her to come in without a second thought. She pushed the door open and was about to fling herself onto my bed when she noticed Levi. He had turned towards the door and frozen and as I looked between the two of them I realized that I hadn’t really told Mikasa how close Levi and I had become.

She turned towards me stiffly and said, “Just wanted you to know I’m home.” Mikasa looked at Levi and sighed.

“I think I’m going to head out,” Levi said as he began to gather up his watercolors. I tried to protest; it had been really nice hanging out with him. Took the edge off of my boredom. All it took was one look from him and I shut my mouth. We walked down to my front door and with a little smile and a quick wave, he was gone.

I sighed. Only eight more days until I can go back to school.

Sunday was decent. Boring, but tolerable. I was distracted for a bit when Jean and Reiner came over to check in with me. Reiner told me all about the game with Jean throwing in the occasional comment, and then Reiner handed me a card, signed by the entire team. It was heartwarming. He left, clapping me on the shoulder and telling me to get myself back to 100%.

Jean stuck around a little longer and his mood seemed a lot less cheery than Reiner’s had been. Armin had been sending me SAT words everyday to “keep my mind sharp!” and I think one from last week fit Jean perfectly: Somber. He shuffled into my room, the dark circles under his eyes made his black eye from Tuesday look like it had barely healed at all. Honestly, Jean looked like he’d aged 20 years in the past day and a half.

I was almost surprised that he was looking this rough when it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was fucking blaming himself. 

“Eren, I am so-” Jean only got part of the way through his apology before I socked him in the arm, a thoroughly pissed off expression on my face.

“Don’t you dare pull that shit, Jean,” I growled out. “It’s not your fault that I didn’t listen to Levi. You’re not my keeper, dude.” 

He looked distraught. “Eren, it’s literally my job to keep you safe on the field!”

“Ok that’s not true at all. Your job is to run fast and catch the ball when I throw it to you. That’s it,” I scolded him. 

Jean chuckled a little because, yeah, his job on the field is a little more complicated than that, but after that he seemed to lose some of the tension keeping his body rigid. I pulled into conversations about our friends and told him about Levi coming over yesterday (minus my inner monologues about how fucking much I like him) and he told me that Krista had disappeared with someone last night but she wouldn’t say who it was. When Jean mused aloud that it could be Reiner I tried to cover up my laugh with a cough. Jean looked at me a little funny, but then I accidentally choked on my own spit and though my eyes watered and I felt kind of like I was dying, it served to get Jean’s mind off of my weird laugh. 

Even though we’d gotten past whatever weirdness that was happening when we first got here, I could tell he was still keeping something from me. Thing is, I was too tired and too sick of feeling like shit to bug him about it. When he got up to leave I just waved a tired goodbye and spent the rest of the day drifting between sleep and extreme boredom. 

Monday was, essentially, full of me doing absolutely nothing. No one could come over to distract me because they were all in school. No Mikasa, no Jean, no Armin, no Reiner. 

I didn’t have the balls to call Levi.

However, in case you were wondering, you can see 546 leaves on the tree in our front yard if you’re laying on my bed looking out my window. What a world. I spent a full two hours counting them, staring at this poor tree, trying to keep myself entertained. 

Eventually I decided to go outside and get a new angle on my new favorite tree and I was still laying on the ground, hands at my sides, when my mom came home that afternoon. One severe talking to about taking care of myself and and I was sent back upstairs. 

I spent Tuesday morning daydreaming about Levi showing up at my house to surprise me. You know, like in all of the old 80’s rom coms. I should watch “Better Off Dead” when I’m allowed to look at screens again. It’s one of Jean’s favorite movies to watch when he’s wine-drunk.

As a side note, this is bullshit. This whole pining thing. I did enough of that with Krista the past three years. It sucks.

You know what else sucks?

Severe concussions suck. They seriously suck. 

Mmm hickeys. Nice. Okay, I’m done, I promise.

Anyway, you can’t do anything. Well you can do things but you’re not supposed to but the doctor said it would slow down my healing rate and I’m not about that. So no reading, no computers, no video games, no tv, no porn. Just laying in bed. With the lights off. I’ll just be here. Not masturbating and avoiding my phone, trying not to think too much.

I’m the king of not thinking. Okay let me fix that. I’m the king of not thinking about anything important.

Around 5pm Mikasa came in and looked down at me. I’d moved to the floor for a change of scenery. New views, new angles. It was a nice change of pace.

“You look like a slug,” Ah, dear Mikasa, brutal as ever.

“Suck my ass, Mikasa.” 

She smirked down at me and muttered something that sounded like ‘eloquent as always’ before nudging my side with her foot. 

“Dinner’s ready.” I opened my mouth to tell her I wasn’t coming down but she interrupted me, “I don’t give a shit if you’re not hungry, the doctor said that you have to eat.” One more foot poke and she was gone. 

I spent a solid couple of minutes contemplating not moving. It would probably be okay if I just laid here forever. I’d turn into an actual slug. I’d be the king slug. Eren the Slug King. Olive green, covered in ooze. Nice. 

My stomach vibrated twice and brought me away from the world of slugs. I held my phone up in front of my face and tried to unlock it with my tongue because Connie said it works. For once in his entire life, Connie was right; I should tell him. Only negative: I dropped my phone on my face. I waited a few more seconds to pick it back up and sent a prayer to the flying spaghetti monster in the sky that Mikasa wouldn’t come back and catch me licking my phone. I sneakily unlocked my phone with my tongue again.

**Mikasa (5:15pm):** Get your ass down here.

I considered slug life again. I didn’t choose the slug life the slug life chose me.

**Mikasa (5:17pm):** We have pizza.

I guess the Slug King could make an appearance.

I tossed my phone onto my bed to quiet my inner Levi turmoil aka I-want-him-to-want-me, and took my sweet time coming down the stairs. I’m injured, you know. Had to file for short-term disability and everything. 5 days, at least, off from school. Even longer if my symptoms continue. That means at least three more days of complete and utter boredom. Fuck concussions. 

The pizza helped though. Lots of cheese and ranch crust and Mom actually did the dishes for me. Overall dinner was a Good Time. Maybe fuck concussions just a little less.

I went back upstairs and checked my phone, casually hoping someone had tried to call me while I was downstairs. Nothing. Lame. Well, I’m not really supposed to be on my phone anyway, so I guess I can’t blame them for not texting me. Besides I didn’t want to talk to anybody anyway. I just want to sleep. I popped one of the hydrocodones left over from my wisdom teeth surgery and was out like a light. 

The next day I called Levi during his lunch period.

“Levi, help. Please. I’m dying. I’m so bored I can’t breathe. What’re you doing?” I whined as soon as he answered the phone.

He sighed. “You’re a wreck. I just got out of class.”

“Wow, look at you going to class. Come over.” I said cheerily.

“Are you supposed to be resting?” He asked skeptically.

I hung up and sent him a picture of my face half covered with my blankets. Pitiful as hell.

“Look at me. I’m resting. You know what would make me rest even harder? If you came over,” I said as soon as he answered the phone for the second time.

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line and grinned in victory. This concussion is bringing me to the edge of my sanity; I need some excitement in my life! Need some rebelliousness! Need some Levi!

“Give me ten minutes,” Levi said and hung up.

I thought about it for a second and realized that I should probably shower or something before he gets here. I’m at my most dashing fresh out of the shower. Got that manly shower gel and shit going on. I hopped in the shower and scrubbed everything as fast as possible because Levi is a fucking punctual little guy and ten minutes is not a lot of time. I tried the whole brushing your teeth in the shower thing. Kinda hard. Kinda gross. Toothpaste mouth foam everywhere. It took another two minutes to rinse everything off.

I almost fell climbing out of the shower when I heard a set of knocks on my bedroom door. Right on time. Great. Note the sarcasm because towels around the waist aren’t as sexy on me as I want them to be (I’m always a little too worried about the towel accidentally falling off and it’s confidence that really makes people sexy). Goddamn I wish my life was a fucking rom com. I’d be the smokin hot jock with a heart of gold. Levi’d be my cheerleader. Levi in a miniskirt. That’s actually a pretty nice mental picture. Down the gay ass rabbit hole. Fuck my life.

“Come in?” I was tripping over my words and my towel wasn’t tied very well but he was already here and I want to see his face. Levi opened the door and looked right at me as I was grabbing clothes from the dresser and considering staying naked because while being naked is kind of awkward, the look on Levi’s face was priceless. He was definitely, 100%, blushing and I’m pretty sure that it was because I was basically naked.

I didn’t get to feel too good about myself though. He recovered in record time and walked over to me. Just to prove he wasn’t bothered I guess. Placed both hands on either side of my head and pulled me toward him. I could feel the warmth of his palms on my cheeks and ears and I think I might have stopped breathing. His face was literally inches away. Close. So close. SOS. SOE. Save Our Eren. His eyes flicked to mine and then moved further up to inspect the top of my head. “How’s the brain?” He asked. Casual.

I had to remind myself how to breathe and then how to speak before I could answer him. Whatever, I have decided to blame it on the concussion. It’s severe. “It’s, ah, it’s good. Still concussed. Just like on Saturday.” Levi nodded as he removed his hands and backed away.

I wanted to ask him to come back but I chickened out and said something stupid instead, “How’s your head?”

He smirked, “It’s fine. A little cold. I should have worn a hat today.” I nodded like this was the most normal conversation I’d ever had. Because in some ways it was.

Sure, I haven’t found those ways yet but I’m sure they’re out there. I can feel it.

“Yeah, I’ll bet you look good in a beanie,” I said with a shrug. Maybe I should have tacked on a ‘no homo.’ That’s bullshit though. Yes homo. All the homo. Levi would look great in a beanie. He cocked an eyebrow up right before he burst out laughing. Not a little snarky chuckle, full blown laughter. It was one of those honest barking laughs and suddenly all of my weirdo tension was gone. Dissipated. Mm good word, Eren. Prime SAT material right there.

Levi calmed down after a minute and set his book bag on my desk. He started pulling his watercolor stuff out of it, a pad of paper, some paint brushes, a plastic cup, a water bottle, a pen, the watercolors.

I glanced down at the set up in front of me. Looked back up at Levi. Didn’t we learn last time that I can’t paint? It’s the sports thing. Jocks don’t paint. Okay actually, I’ll bet Jean can paint. Or Mikasa. Mikasa can do anything.

Levi noticed my unhappy expression and chuckled a bit as he pulled out another pad of paper and some color pencils from his bag. “There’s mandalas. They’re also meant to be soothing and you just have to color in the lines. I thought I’d bring the paints over too, just in case you wanted to try again.”

I hummed happily as I took the materials from his hands and sat down at my desk. Levi had pulled out a book and was reading on my bed so I figured some chill music wouldn’t hurt. I glanced over at him as I popped the cd he’d made me into my tiny, frankly pretty crappy, stereo. It took him a second but about a minute into the song he looked up with a startled little expression that softened into a smile when he caught me looking. I flashed him a quick grin before I turned around and got to work.

The mandala was much more my speed than the watercolors had been but it was some slow going. After about an hour I was only done with about half of it but I really liked it. Levi was right about it being calming. I turned back around to tell Levi I was a fan but the poor guy was passed out on my bed, book open on his chest. 

I wasn’t sure if I should wake him up or not but then I looked at him, like really looked. Took in the dark circles under his eyes, the way his forehead looked strange without it’s usual worried crease, and I realized that Levi could probably use some extra sleep. Besides, he hasn’t seemed so at peace since the day I sat with him by the lake. 

I turned back to the mandala, planning to work on it a little more, but I’d already lost any shred of productiveness left in me and I could feel my eyes beginning to get heavy. I powered through for another minute or so but when I caught myself falling asleep at my desk, I decided it was time for a nap. One quick mental debate later and I was crawling onto my bed and lying close but not quite touching Levi. Just as my eyes closed and sleep began to pull me down, I felt Levi move closer and tuck himself into me. My last conscious thought before I fell asleep as that he sure was warm.

About an hour later I came back into semi-consciousness, feeling warm in the late afternoon sun streaming in through the window. Everything felt too calm and content; I probably could have slept for the rest of the day but Levi had shifted again while we slept and his body was cuddled up next to mine, one arm thrown lazily on top of my stomach. I wasn’t awake enough to panic thinking about what would happen if he woke up so I laid there and just drifted in and out of sleep, enjoying what was probably the only time I’d get to be like this with Levi. 

I could immediately tell when Levi woke up. He stirred a bit and I was still out of it enough for my eyes to be closed. I could feel it when he froze.

My eyes opened when he scrambled up, out of my arms. 

I sat up when I noticed his face. Levi’s eyes were wider than I’d ever seen, his hands were held in front of him and I realized that he was panicking.

“I swear, Eren, it’s not what it looks like. I was asleep; I probably just thought you were a giant pillow or something. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-” He was babbling. Levi, cool, smooth, doesn’t-give-a-fuck-about-what-anyone says Levi, is freaking out. 

He thought I was mad. He actually thought I was pissed that he’d cuddled up to me.

Holy shit.

Levi’s body seemed frozen while his mouth tripped over words and after a moment, when I realized that he wasn’t stopping, my mind decided that enough was enough. My arm shot out and grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him towards me. He had time for one surprised noise before my mouth was on his. 

At first he didn’t kiss me back so it was just my lips pressing on his and I panicked a little and began to pull away but at the last second he pressed forward and his lips began to move against mine. It wasn’t a deep kiss or a mind blowing kiss, just a question about the future, more chaste than anything I’d ever done with Krista. Worth every second though.

When we pulled apart, Levi still looked a little surprised and his breathing was a little labored, still getting over his fear from earlier. I looked down for a second and took his hand as gently as I could, can’t scare him off now, before I looked back up at his face. 

“Okay?” I said with a little smile. 

Levi let out the breath he’d been holding. “Yeah, okay,” he answered, returning my smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is incredibly on time, im so proud of me.
> 
> a few things:  
> 1) this is definitely not a good guide on what to do if someone you know gets a concussion or has a potential neck injury lol. and most of the instructions are from what the doc told me last march when i got sent to the hospital w my fifth concussion. so yea  
> 2) im on tumblr: [bicyclestandard ](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com) and also now twitter(!!!): [bicycleS_20 ](https://twitter.com/bicycleS_20) so maybe come hang out and talk to me? idk just a thought
> 
> next up, a massive THANK U to everyone who comments or leaves kudos or anything!!! geez it makes me so happy and i love replying to you guys and feeling like you guys actually like my writing. it's one of the best feelings in the world tbh.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it." -Lou Holtz

Levi had taken our kiss with one hell of a lot of grace. We were both still sitting on my bed, leaning against the headboard and each other, while Levi doodled in his sketchbook and I dozed in between daydreams of us kissing more. I couldn’t quite believe how quickly we’d gone from some pretty serious angst to kissing to just relaxing in my bed. It was like magic.

All in all, it took a solid hour for the blush to fade from Levi’s cheeks and once it was gone, I realized that I wanted to do everything I could to get it back. It was all I could think about to be honest, but life’s not that easy. In fact, it’s really fucking awkward. I mean, how do you just tell someone you want to kiss them? Especially since our first kiss was so spur of the moment. Very romantic, very spontaneous, very hard to work off of. I need to make us kissing a regular thing but I don’t have a starting point.

I looked down at Levi, peeking down at his sketch book. He was drawing the window in my room, my favorite tree included in the picture. I didn’t want to interrupt so in a move as old as time (song as old as rhyme, I grew up a Disney kid) I pulled a yawn out of my ass as I stretched my arms above my head before I let one fall around Levi’s shoulders. The Yawn and Stretch isn’t exactly the greatest move in my arsenal and it definitely wouldn’t fool Levi but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried to be casual about it, just a (real) yawn and my arms lifted up above my head, stretching out my back as well and one of them just so happened to fall on Levi’s shoulders.

He immediately tensed. My life flashed before my eyes.

I started to pull my arm back, an apology already dropping from my lips when levi grasped my hand and gently pulled on it to keep my arm in place. 

“You just surprised me,” he said calmly and turn back to his sketchbook.

I nodded and slowly relaxed my arm. Who would have thought I’d ever get so unsure with a simple Yawn and Stretch? It’s a classic move, one I’ve used dozens of times at movie theaters. It’s just so weird to be moving so, well, slow. I’ve never really had a relationship, if that what you want to call it, like this with anyone. My cuddle experience is limited to Mikasa, when her, uh, time of the month rolls around, and Armin, when we were kids and he was convinced there were monster under my bed. If it was Krista and me here, alone, like two months ago, there would be a lot less clothing on and a lot more making out going on. No cuddling and being cute and looking down at his face as his nose scrunches up from concentration. Just going at it. Which is nice sometimes but there’s no way I can act like that with Levi, at least not yet. 

That’s how you treat a hook up. Levi’s more than that.

I mean, like, kissing him feels different, feels good.

Just being around him feels good actually. I don’t want to fuck it up so I’m okay with this, with moving like a slug. Hell, I’m still Eren, King of the Slugs. The slowest, most slimey, most perverted slug in existence. Ugh. The slug life still sucks.

If Coach saw me now he’d tell me to get my shit together and make a play, make a move. Fuck this.

“Can I maybe kiss you again?” I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Levi paused his drawing and set his pencil and sketchbook aside before he looked up at me with a little smirk. I took that as a positive sign so I smiled back as I leaned in to press my lips to the corner of his mouth. I was aiming for a solid square kiss but damn it was an awkward angle. I sat up and pulled his face back towards mine to give him a real kiss. Levi pulled on my arms to get me a little closer and slotted his lips just right. It was so hard to resist just pulling him into my lap.

Going slow. Right.

Keeping it chill, just gently moving lips against lips. Kind of opposite of how I thought Levi would kiss. Calmer I guess. I don’t know, he just seems like he would be the kind of guy who would just take charge in life. What’s that called? Forceful? Dominant? Those don’t really sound completely right but the point is, I expected him to be more ‘take life by the horns’ when he kissed too. 

I wonder if he was thinking about the whole going slow thing too.

I pulled his lower lip between my teeth, just testing to find out what he liked, and it was like I flipped a switch or something. Levi’s hands came up and tangled themselves in my constantly-too-long hair and his tongue ran along the seam of my lips until they opened and his tongue pushed against mine. It was a good turn of events. Solid making out. 

Kind of weird for me though. Normally it’s me running the show, pushing against her lips, deepening the kiss, but now there’s someone else leading me along, tilting my head and running their tongue along the roof of my mouth. A change, but one that got me breathing fucking hard and my heart beating fast. 

Levi sat up, breaking away from my mouth and moving his lips down my jaw as we both attempted to get our breathing under control. I was hoping he’d climb into my lap and we could keep this make out session going but downstairs the front door slammed shut and we quickly hopped apart. I briefly wondered who was home while we sat without talking. The CD I’d put on while coloring the mandala picture playing softly in the background and it was helping to bring my heart rate down. Thank the football gods for Levi’s chill CD.

“Uh, I guess we could go back to coloring?” I said after a couple of minutes of silence- of course in the most awkward and unexcited way possible. I can’t believe people think I’m cool.

“No need to sound so enthusiastic,” Levi smirked.

I shrugged. “Making out is fun.”

He looked like he had the perfect comeback but I’ll never know what it was because at that moment a knock on my bedroom door told me that it was Mikasa that had just gotten home. She’s the only one in this goddamn family that knocks and actually waits before she comes in. Well, okay she’ll just walk in if I’m taking too long to answer. Levi didn’t look up as he made sure he was a respectable distance from me for when Mikasa actually came in. Right then I knew that we’d have to talk about all of this, figure out what exactly was happening between us; we’d have to get our feelings out in the open like the cheesiest of rom coms. Gross.

I’ve really had romantic comedies on the brain these last few weeks.

Mikasa knocked again and I knew it was my last chance before she came in. I wanted to grab Levi’s shirt, give him one more kiss, but like he could tell what I was thinking he slid off of the bed without looking at me and began to pack up his art supplies. I ran a hand through my hair, partially in frustration, partially to try to fix it a bit, before I called out for Mika to come in. 

She opened the door slowly and seemed unsurprised to see Levi shoving things into his book bag. All she gave him was a once over before her eyes swiveled to me. “Mom’ll be home in half an hour.”

I nodded and she left, throwing an odd look at Levi over her shoulder as she turned away. For his part, Levi ignored it and turned to me, book bag on one shoulder. 

“Walk me to the door?” He asked like it was just a joke but I threw off the covers of my bed and stood up to stretch out my back. He watched for a second, I could tell my shirt was riding up and yeah, ok, I’m not Jean but I do have some abs, before my back popped and I swung my arms back down. Levi smirked a bit and I grinned back as I led him through the house to the door. 

Before he went outside Levi spun around and grabbed my shirt, pulling me down to his mouth for a goodbye kiss, just like I’d wanted to do in my bedroom before Mika came in. I wound my arms around his waist and pulled him tight against me, wondering how he would feel about kisses on his neck but as I pulled away from his mouth and leaned down to his neck I couldn’t resist giving it a little bite. Just a small one, nothing crazy but Levi socked me in the stomach. 

Didn’t really hurt but I pouted and grabbed my stomach.

“Be kind to me; I’m injured!” I whined.

Levi rolled his eyes but stood on his toes to press a small kiss to my lips. “Better?” It was almost a movie moment but I ruined it by wiggling my eyebrows. He slapped my arm and the world went back to normal.

Wednesday I tried really hard not to call him. Seemed like it would be kind of, well, desperate. Except the only problem was that I was low key starved for attention. No not even low key. High key. I was high key starved for attention. This whole shutting me up in my room thing was driving me crazy. I wanted to get out, run around, bother people, talk to people. Instead I was stuck in my room trying to talk myself out of calling Levi in a supreme effort to not seem lame as shit. When did my life become such a drag?

Here’s the thing though: I’ve never really worried about coming on too strong. I’m an instinct kind of guy. My best plays have been when there’s a split second decision to be made and I just go with my gut. I mean, sure, I worry about shit after I follow my gut but so far nothing too horrible has happened.

My gut wanted me to call Levi.

I’m better than that. Sort of. 

I lasted until about 5pm, so maybe that says something about my impulse control. Points for me though because I didn’t invite him over, just bothered him with stupid questions until I got him talking. His voice is still one of my favorite things about him. It soothes my restless soul. That was pretty poetic. I should send that to him. Levi seems like the kind of guy who would either like that shit or laugh at it and both are good options to me. I couldn’t help but wish that I had invited him over but I held back. Mostly because Mom was home but also ya know, because of the desperation thing.

At 17 years old my hormones are a fucking mess and let’s be real, making out with Levi is pretty fantastic. You know, I think making out with Levi is the possible big man upstairs way of apologizing to me. Like ‘sorry about all the shit with school and Jean and football and the concussion but hey! Here’s a hot guy to suck face with!’ I think it’s a pretty fair trade to be honest. I mean, Levi definitely knows what he’s doing. I’m very much avoiding thinking about where he got all of that experience from because A) it’s not really any of my business and B) I really don’t want to think about Levi making out with anyone else. It kind of makes me feel sick. Like physically nauseous. It’s bad.

On a different note, Mikasa hasn’t talked to me since Tuesday. Normally she’d come flop on my bed, listen to me complain about being bored because Mika’s sweet like that. I didn’t know how to get things back to normal with us. I wasn’t really sure how to tell her the truth and I don’t think she’d appreciate a lie. Mikasa can always tell when I’m lying- like every single time. One time, when I was eleven, I knocked over a vase in the living room. No one was around at the time so when my mom came home I blamed it on the dog. My mom completely bought it, not a questioning thought in her mind, but Mika looked at me long and hard before turning to my mom. Next thing I know, I’m grounded from TV for a month and Mikasa is the favorite child. To this day I’m not sure if I’m jealous or impressed.

The point is, I’m don’t know what to say to her to fix things so I decided to ignore the problem and hope it goes away. I’ll just bide my time, daydreaming about Levi and trying not to get a hard on. Concussions are still, in fact, some total bullshit. I miss orgasms.

Thursday was weird. Mikasa knocked on my door around six, just as I was putting the finishing touches on the tower of stuff-from-my-room that I’d been building since 4pm. It was a solid five feet tall and I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of it. When I heard her knock I got excited, hoping she was coming in to talk to me or continue our weekly ritual of Halo even though I can’t play but all she did was poke her head in and say, “You have a visitor,” before turning around and heading back towards her room.

I let my hopes get up for a second time, hoping it was Levi, until Erwin stepped into the doorway. I tried to keep the disappointment off of my face and out of my voice when I greeted him but to be honest I’m pretty much an open book.

Erwin gave that infamous supervillain chuckle, “Expecting someone else?”

I gave him a crooked smile, moving to stand in front my tower and vaguely waving to him in the international symbol for ‘get in here,’ “Not exactly, but hey, a guy can hope, right?”

Erwin stepped into my room and I waited as he looked around for a moment. It’s odd that I wasn’t nervous to let Levi see my room, the clothes all over the floor and the general mess that I sleep in, but with Erwin it’s like every second we stand in my room I can actually feel him judging me just a little more. Fortunately it only took him a minute to take it all in. The next second he was asking after my health and wishing me well. A couple of generic (boring) answers later and he finally broke out of his stiff posture and too happy smile and pulled out my desk chair to sit on. 

Erwin looked at me with an expression that made him seem at least 15 years older than he actually was. “Eren can I be frank with you?”

“I thought you were being Erwin with me,” I tried to joke but I’m pretty sure I just came across as nervous. I wasn’t sure if talking about something serious after being shut in my room for days was such a good idea. 

Erwin could probably tell I was minorly freaking out because he switched tactics. “So Levi missed rehearsal yesterday.”

“It’s not like he never skips anything.” I pointed out.

“He skips class Eren. Never rehearsal,” Erwin said with the air of someone explaining something to a dumb kid. Normally I’d have gotten pissed but Erwin still kind of scares me, with his so happy it has to be fake smile, so I held back. “I’m pretty sure he was here.”

I tried to seem casual as I shrugged and said, “What makes you say that?”

Erwin fixed me with A Look, one that said ‘we both know I’m right’ and I couldn’t really meet his eyes which seemed to be all the confirmation he needed. “I’ll be honest with you, Eren. You ignore sound cautious advice and you have tendency to lean towards an overly cocky attitude but you put your team before your own safety and you put the ultimate goal above yourself. You do what needs to be done when it comes to your team, your friends, and your failures don’t seem to weigh you down like they would a more intelligent person.”

“Was that supposed to be a compliment or an insult? I miss Nice Erwin,” I mused incredulously (by the way mused is a great word, one that only an intelligent person would know. Armin taught it to me so that means it has to be an intelligent word. So take that Erwin.)

Erwin ignored my comment. “The point is, I think your attitude towards life might be really good for Levi and if he’s already coming over here on his own then there is a possibility that-”

“Woah, woah, woah, let me just go ahead and stop you there. You want me and Levi to be close, right? Well, dude I’m like, ten steps ahead of you on this one, okay?” My constant concussion headache was getting worse by the second and was pounding through my skull. I couldn’t deal with his bullshit anymore.

“You are?” Erwin sounded shocked. I was vaguely insulted.

“Yeah, Mr. I-can’t-believe-Eren’s-doing-something-right, I am. Levi and I are fucking tight. Like two peas in a pod and all of that shit and I don’t plan to let that change anytime soon. So no need to nudge me in the right direction or whatever you were planning this time around, okay?” I was tired and getting annoyed with Erwin’s whole hidden agenda deal. My head hurt and at that point I just wanted him to leave. Even being alone and bored is better than being manipulated.

“You’re upset with me,” Erwin observed. I gave him my best glare, which to be fair, has gotten a lot more intimidating since I started hanging out with Levi. Erwin hurried to continue, “I’m sorry to have kept you in the dark; I didn’t want to negatively influence the outcome.”

“I’m not really allowed to use my brain right now so in English please,” I deadpanned.

He seemed flustered at my tone and he blurted out, “He needs someone like you!” Immediately my mouth dropped open a bit and my eyes opened a little wider. “You’re a very positive influence on him, Eren. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him go to class this often. You’re good for him and even if it may not seem like it, Levi and I have been friends for a long time. I think I’d go as far as to call him my best friend, and I think he deserves some good things in life.”

“Yeah,” I agreed in a daze.

“So I think it’s good that you guys are close.” 

I nodded along with his words, still reeling from what he’d said earlier. He seemed pleased by my response but I could tell he was still shaken up. 

He left as soon as was polite, manners intact even when he was rattled. I wanted to work out why our talk had messed with him so much, but just talking with him had worn me out an insane amount and my bed was calling my name, so I didn’t dwell on it (dwell is a pretty solid word, it was Armin’s word of the day Tuesday of last week.)It was still pretty early, maybe only 7pm but my eyes slid shut as soon as my head hit the pillow. I guess the doctors were serious about the brain needing to rest. Unfortunately, my sleep was anything but restful. 

In my dream I kept running up and down the hallways of East Trost, going from room to room, trying all of the door handles in an attempt to find the one I was supposed be in to take some kind of exam. For some dream reason none of the doors I tried to open were the right one, and as I kept searching I began to run faster and faster. My lungs began to burn as my mind began to spiral into a panic. Everything about the hallways felt ominous, the walls felt like they were leaning in, pristine white and surgically clean in a way that I highly doubt East’s walls have ever been. My mind kept wondering where all of the other people were. Did they get to the exam already? Was it just me who was lost? I began pulling harder on the door handles, desperately hoping one would open and frantically searching for a sign that would tell me where I was supposed to be. It felt like time was running out. 

Just as I began to think it was completely hopeless, my legs immediately lost all energy and I slumped to the floor, exhausted and feeling crushed. My head in my hands, my back pressed against the wall behind me as the hallway seemed to shrink in around me, the walls getting closer and closer. My breaths became shorter and closer to sobs and just when I thought it was the end, a door appeared in front of me. I reached out, unable to stand up, and touched the doorknob. Right away the door swung open to reveal Erwin standing with Levi behind him. My face broke into a smile, but before I could try force myself to stand, Erwin looked me dead in the eye.

“You’re late. You lost. Go home.” My heart plummeted and the next thing I knew I was awake and gasping for breath.

I didn’t even think. I just grabbed my phone and hit Levi’s name. He answered on the second ring with a hello that seemed more than a little confused. I glanced at the clock on my bedside table and sure enough it was 12:48am. A little late for a random phone call.

“Levi, I, um, just…” My throat felt blocked and I couldn’t get words past my tongue. I was starting to panic again but Levi was pretty quick to figure out what was happening.

“Do you want to hang out, go for a drive?” He asked. 

I nodded before I realized that he definitely couldn’t see me. “Yes please.”

“Okay, be outside of your house in five minutes. I’ll come pick you up,” he ordered and hung up before I say another word. I spent a solid minute trying to get my breathing under control and then another half of a minute wondering if Levi was going to pick me up on some kind of scooter or something because I was pretty sure he doesn’t have a car. A quick plea sent to the universe that I wouldn’t fall off of his scooter and crack my skull, and I threw on a hoodie and my slides and was out the door.

I was only waiting a couple of minutes before a black Lincoln town car pulled into my driveway, lights off, very sneaky. I opened the passenger side door and slid inside. Levi sat at the wheel, his hair a mess, in the lightest clothes I’d ever seen him in. A white shirt and some grey basketball shorts that looked way too big. What a world. 

“I was thinking we could just drive. Get you out of your house for a bit. Sound good?” He asked as we pulled out of my driveway and I clicked my seatbelt into place. Safety first, and all that. 

“That sounds so good dude. You have no idea. I feel like if I spend any more time in my room, I’ll go insane,” I said, sinking down into my seat. The towncar was pretty comfortable and I could feel myself calming down thanks to Levi. He hummed in agreement and we settled into a nice silence as we drove. I turned my head to the side and even though I couldn’t see much out of the windows, the passing streetlights made for a welcome sight. Anything not in my room was a whole new world at that point. Levi plugged his weird little mp3 into a cassette tape and pushed it into the stereo letting soft music fill the car as I took a moment to look around. 

The town car was nice. I’ve only been in one other town car, Coach has one and he gave me a ride home after practice once, that was a weird experience, but anyways, town cars all basically look the same. It felt safe. The kind of car a cool grandpa would drive but in the best possible way. Everything in it felt familiar from the leather of the seat to the music playing out of the ancient stereo. A new song came on but I recognized it from Levi’s CD and I started humming along, my eyes skimming the world outside of the car, not really focused on anything. The further we got from my house the better I felt. Not like energetic or anything. Just less awful. Like there’s a giant weight being lifted from my shoulders. Maybe not completely lifted. It felt more like someone has come to help me carry it. It’s the same feeling I get on the field when I catch Jean’s eye and I know that he’s got my back.

Levi seemed as preoccupied as I was while he drove, eyes focused on the road. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking about, but I didn’t feel like I was in a good place to do that. Guys want advice, not just a listener, and I can’t do that right now. You know what I mean? It’s the shittiest thing. You can tell that they’re thinking hard about something and you know that at some point they’re going to need to talk about it but you also know that you, personally, are not there yet. You’re doing better but you’re in no place to start thinking about other people’s problems. My options were to listen and make it worse, because that’s what would happen, or wait and hope I can help out later.

It sucks.

Another song that I knew came on and I kept humming quietly, just focusing on enjoying my time free from the four walls of my bedroom and trying to keep from bothering Levi. After a moment Levi noticed my humming and looked at me thoughtfully. “How do you know this song?”

“It was #3 on your CD,” I explained.

“You actually listened to it?” He sounded surprised.

“Of course dude. It was a good CD.” I answered honestly. It was a start and as Levi graced me with one of his small smiles, I took it as a sign to keep talking while he kept driving. I thought we’d eventually pull over, make out in some random ass parking lot and then head back so Levi could get some sleep but a solid hour passed by and we didn’t stop. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of making out, but I was really enjoying the feeling of constantly moving. I liked talking to Levi, chattering away about my favorite songs on his CD, (#2 and #8), getting his opinions on all of the songs and why he put them on the CD. Just getting back to feeling vaguely normal again.

Okay so driving around at 2am on a Thursday night wasn’t exactly normal but that’s not important.

It had to end at some point though. Eventually Levi turned to me at a stop light and said, “I need to be heading back.”

I sighed, loud and melodramatic, and I could practically feel him roll his eyes. I wasn’t looking forward to going home but it was nearly 2:30 in the morning and to be honest, Levi seemed exhausted. Sneaking glances at him as we drove back revealed some pretty serious dark circles under his eyes and a droop in his shoulders that made me want to ask when he last slept. I knew he was tired the other day because people don’t just pass out in other people’s beds, but it looked like he hadn’t slept well in a while.

Shame burned it’s way through my gut. I’ve always thought that was a very poetic way of describing it. Because, for me at least, that’s exactly what it feels like. Like boiling water in my stomach. Uncomfortable. Painful. Like it was eating away at me, reminding me, once again, that I should have listened to him at the game or at least worked harder to keep myself from getting slammed the second time. Levi seemed like the kind of guy who would blame himself for my concussion and that’s just ridiculous. This shit is 100% my fault and i know it.

I’d say my shame was also mixed with guilt and while that definitely is a shitty combination, it’s also a distracting combination. Before I knew it, Levi had cut the engine and was unbuckling his seatbelt. I hurried to undo my own seatbelt and opened up the door to head back to my prison room, the stuffy feeling of my house already pressing down on me until I finally realized something.

“Levi, this isn’t my house,” I said, confused, as he walked around the car to me. 

“Yeah I know,” he replied as he shut the car door for me. I was too busy being confused.

“Why didn’t you take me home?” I asked, still not over the fact that I wasn’t at my house.

Levi looked away and I swear he sounded mildly embarrassed as he mumbled something under his breath. I waited for him to realize his mistake and repeat himself. After a moment he sighed and looked up to meet my eye. 

“I know you didn’t want to go back yet but I’m really tired so I thought maybe you’d want to spend the night here.” He shrugged. “I can take you back if you really want to go home though.”

“Um, yeah, no, staying here would be good. Like really good.” I was tripping over myself to get the words out but the idea of spending a full night away from my house was like a dream come true. Levi nodded and locked the car before leading the way into his house. His version of a tour was about the same as mine, just some vague hand motions in the direction of the kitchen and bathroom as he made his way through the living room and into a room at the very end of a hallway.

After I stepped into Levi’s room I had to stop for a minute, look around, take it all in. People always say you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their room and Levi’s was no exception. His bed took up most of one corner with a dresser and a bookshelf packed to the brim on the opposite wall. The rest of the wall space was covered with art. Black sketchy drawings, photographs, watercolors, and pencil drawings were tacked onto the walls in a handmade collage of Levi’s art. I wanted to stop and stare at them, look at each individual picture and ask Levi when he made it and why he made it, but when I turned to him he was pulling off his shorts and shirt, arm reaching out for another one. 

I stared. I couldn’t help it. Art is cool and all but Levi’s body takes precedence. Ten points to me for that word and twenty points to Levi for that body. Dude’s got some _nice_ legs, and that ass…. He looked up to see me staring and he actually, for real, blushed as he pulled his giant t shirt over his head.

“You make a decent space heater so if you want to share the bed, I guess that’s fine,” Levi said as he got under the covers. I nodded eagerly as I got rid of my hoodie and shorts and flopped down next to Levi on the bed in just my boxers. He tugged the covers up over us and for a second neither of us moved. Then I heard Levi sigh and felt him scoot a bit closer to me so I took a chance and snuck my arm underneath him. Five minutes in Levi was asleep and even though I was 100% sure that my arm would be numb by morning, as he snuggled into my chest I realized that I really didn’t care. In fact there were a lot of things that seemed way less important with Levi curled up in my arms. I was still counting them when I fell asleep.

When I woke back up I knew one thing and one thing only: I was so fucking thirsty. Not even like, the horny kind. Just straight up needed water like a man stranded in a desert. I stumbled out of bed, trying not to wake up Levi as I attempted to find my way around his room in the dark. The window in his room told me that it was still dark outside so I figured I hadn’t slept for very long. Which sucks, but some sleep is better than no sleep.

I made my way down the hall, trying to shake the numbness out of my arm, and stumbled into the kitchen, not even bothering to look at the family photos lining the walls. Plenty of time to look at pictures of baby Levi when I had a glass of sweet, sweet water in my hands. I could see the entrance to the kitchen, aka my salvation, just in front of me and I nearly cried as I ducked inside. I tried four different cabinets before I found the cups and I did a little dance when I finally had one. Being out of my room had done wonders for my mood and I was feeling better than I had all week. Of course it wasn’t meant last. I was just opening the fridge to see if they had a Brita pitcher or something when the kitchen lights kicked on and I froze.

I gave myself five seconds to stay frozen and stop panicking before I slowly began to straighten up and move away from the fridge. There was a person in the doorway and I tried to get a look at them and gauge whether or not they would kill me for being in their kitchen. I started from the bottom, bare feet and grey sweatpants, and worked my way up to his face and looked right into Coach’s eyes.

“What the hell is my quarterback doin’ diggin’ around my fridge in his boxers?” He sounded equal parts pissed and hungover. A bad sign. 

Billy Joel was so wrong when he said only the good die young. Tell my mom I loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a cliffhanger. lol shocker.
> 
> anyway, in case anyone was curious about it i made an 8tracks playlist for Levi's cd which was a new experience for me. you can check it out [here](http://8tracks.com/bicyclestandard/levi-s-cd)
> 
> im on tumblr: [bicyclestandard ](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com) and also twitter: [bicycleS_20 ](https://twitter.com/bicycleS_20) come scream into the abyss with me
> 
> and finally, a massive thank you goes out to everyone who comments, kudos, bookmarks, and shares!!! it's fuckin crazy how much you guys have helped me write this and i never ever get tired of reading and responding to your comments. they're little bright spots that make it seem like people actually kind of like my story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Success is not forever and failure isn’t fatal."  
> -Donald Francis “Don” Shula

“Coach, I can explain.”

“Eren, I’m not really sure I want ya to.”

Not really the answer I was looking for but okay, that was fair. Finding your quarterback wearing nothing but his boxers and raiding your fridge at- I glanced at the clock- 5:16am, isn’t exactly an ideal situation. Or one I could could easily talk my way out of. Maybe Coach was doing me a favor. I mean really, what could I say that would make this seem better? Coach didn’t even know Levi and I were friends and the truth isn’t going to help at all, ‘Oh yeah Coach, I’m occasionally making out with your son(??) and I spent the night here even though I’m supposed to be home resting my brain but hey, don’t worry! We didn’t have sex or anything! We didn’t even go below the belt so it’s all good!’ 

For some reason I don’t think he’d take that very well.

The fact that Levi’s kitchen was kind of freezing my nipples off wasn’t helping much either. The entire scene was awkward and cold and I was completely lost until Levi walked into the doorway of the kitchen, groggily rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“So this is where you’ve been.” He walked over and tugged on my arm, pulling me forward and out of the kitchen while Coach stood and watched. I turned towards him, Levi’s arm still around mine, and tried to motion to Coach.

“Later, Eren,” Levi said casually and with that a guy not quite five and a half feet managed to haul my beefy ass out of the kitchen and back to his room. 

He didn’t seem worried about the whole Coach-finding-me-in-his-kitchen-in-my-boxers situation at all. On the other hand I was kind of freaking out. Even once we were inside of Levi’s room, safe from Coach’s evil eye, I was casually flipping shit. I couldn’t sit still, it felt like my fight or flight instinct had kicked in and adrenaline was coursing through my veins. It was enough that I briefly considered making a run for it, just sprinting all the way back to my house concussion or not, but Coach is still in solid shape and he didn’t seem hungover so he’d probably catch me if he ran after me. Or over me. Cars are faster than concussed quarterbacks.

I looked over at Levi, who was gently pushing me back into bed, with questions on the tip of my tongue that died when a thought pushed its way into my brain. Sure, Coach might murder me and ruin my football career, but what about Levi? What if I’ve single handed ruined a beautiful father-son relationship? I wasn’t able to get the thought out of my head as I wiggled around under the covers, tossing and turning until Levi made a frustrated sound.

“What is wrong with you?” he asked, clearly annoyed.

“Uh, Coach is your dad,” I answered lamely, “and he saw me in my boxers going through your fridge at 5am.”

“He doesn’t care.”

“He seemed like he cared.”

“He was just surprised.”

“Surprised to find a guy in his underwear?”

“Surprised it was you.”

“Oh.” I took a second to push that train of thought out of my head. Levi rolled over so he was facing me.

“Also, he’s not my dad. He’s my uncle,” he said, laying his head on my shoulder.

“Oh.”

“Does that bother you?” He asked, sitting up a little so he could look down at my face. I turned onto my side to face him, taking a second to check and see if it really did bother me. Taking stock because yeah, it was definitely weird, but overall decided that it didn’t really bother me that Coach was Levi’s uncle. Okay that’s a lie; it definitely bothered me, but not enough to ruin how I felt about Levi or the way my skin got all tingly when he leaned over and tucked himself under my chin. I guess I was more worried than bothered, ya know? My whole future depends on football and Coach is a pretty big component (that’s a fancy word for part according to my SAT prep book) of that future. He could literally ruin my life and there’s a pretty solid chance that he wouldn’t be cool with me dating(?) his nephew. So I decided to tell Levi that. Communication is key.

“Look I’m just scared of what he’ll do. If I’ve learned anything from tv shows, it’s that most coaches don’t really approve of the quarterback dating their daughter,” I explained.

“Would it be son in this case?” Levi asked.

“Niece maybe?”

“Let’s stick to the facts. Nephew.”

“That sounds good, anyway, knowing you guys are related is terrifying but it’s not like it makes me like you any less,” I said.

“So you admit that you like me?” Levi said, pressing his lips to my collarbone.

I smiled and said, “Yeah, I thought that was pretty obvious.”

“Just checking. Clarifying. Has Armin taught you that word yet?” 

I squeezed him closer.

“You’re such a joker this morning,” I teased.

“It’s the lack of sleep talking,” he pulled away, a bored expression on his face. I booped his nose. “Don’t ever do that again or it’ll be the last time any part of you ever comes near my face.”

“Yes sir.”

“Shut up and go back to sleep.” 

With that Levi cuddled back up to me and we fell asleep like that, the morning light coming in through the windows.

The second time I woke up sunlight was pouring into the room and Levi was awake, still cuddled into me but playing some game on his phone and looking vaguely bored. At first I thought he didn’t really care about the game, but when one of his plants got eaten his eyes narrowed and his tongue poked out of his lips as he concentrated.

It was goddamn adorable.

I chuckled and pulled him closer, probably ruining his game. I pressed a kiss to the top of his head and all I got out of him was a sigh as he moved in a little closer and put down his phone. 

Ah, mornings with Levi. I feel like I could get used to this. Sure, it wouldn’t all be scenes of domestic bliss (phrase courtesy of Armin) but waking up next to him was pretty great. I’ve never really done something like this with someone before. Making out, sex, whatever that’s normal for me, I guess, but this, waking up next to someone after a night where you literally just slept together, feels like it means more. Like it’s more of a commitment. One that I’m oddly completely ready to jump into with him. And it can only get better from here.

That’s right, I’m talking morning sex. Just imagining waking up to Levi’s lips wrapped around my d- okay, probably not a good road to go down right now considering how awkward of a boner that would be. Not going to ruin the very first morning with him because I was fantasizing.

“Distracted?” Levi asked from where I had apparently been smushing him to my chest. I looked down at him, a little confused, and he looked back up at me with a smirk and a face that looked more amused than pissed. Which was a good thing because I had been essentially cutting off his air and he was within striking distance of my penis so overall a bad combo. Although, he could definitely do other things to- that’s enough of that. 

“You weren’t thinking about this morning, were you?” Levi continued once I’d relaxed my hold on him.

“Um…” Ah, another day that Levi thinks I’m deeper than I actually am. I recovered beautifully though.

“It’s not every day that your…” I trailed off. 

To be honest I didn’t really know what Levi and I were to each other. Maybe it was because he was a dude or maybe it was because I was laying in his bed, I wasn’t really sure, but it seemed like it was more serious than just casual make out buddies. 

I swallowed my weirdness and kept going, “Your person-that-you’re-making-out-with’s uncle catches you raiding his fridge in your boxers at 5am.”

“That’s a fair point but counter: He’s not my dad or anything and he’s not, well, he’s not the most wholesome man in the world anyway. My mom and I moved in with him when my father left and yes, it’s partially for us, but it’s also for him. Uncle Kenney needs someone to keep him on his feet.” He said all of it so calmly, as he absentmindedly traced shapes onto my stomach. Lol, get it? Ab-sentmindedly? Like abdominal muscles? Right, okay, pull yourself together Eren.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that,” I said, somehow managing to sound mildly comforting. I could feel Levi’s shoulders move as he shrugged, his t-shirt rubbing against my bare skin. I held back a shiver.

“Don’t worry about Uncle Kenney, okay? It’ll work out fine. I can handle him.” Levi sounded so unfazed that I could believe him for a little while.

“If you say so.”

“Besides I’ll bet it was nice for you to see someone other than me, your mom, and Mikasa,” Levi joked.

“For your information people have been practically breaking down my door to come visit me,” I replied because there is no way in hell that I’d let him know that he was actually right. Might have been a better experience if I’d been wearing more clothes though. Levi sat up, pulling away from my arms just to give me the most skeptical look I’d ever seen and then settle back down on my chest. “Hey, Jean and Reiner came over one day and Erwin dropped in yesterday.”

“Erwin? What did he want?” Levi sounded surprised, and maybe a little suspicious, but not angry. A classic sign that he was way too good for me. Oh well, I’ve always had a thing for people out of my league.

“He just wanted to come by and tell me about the band competition tomorrow.” Also to call me an idiot and vaguely insult me in other ways that I can’t 100% prove but am positive happened. Not really the kind of things you tell his best friend, especially when you’re kind of trying to get in his pants, because that’s what Erwin is to Levi. As much as Levi complains about him and everything he does, I’m pretty sure that Levi actually really likes Erwin and respects him. In fact, I think he likes most of the band too. He’s just too stubborn to admit it.

“He asked you to go to our competition? Do you think you’ll go?” Levi’s tone was weirdly neutral and I wasn’t sure if it was code for “I don’t want to you go” or “I’d love for you to go.”

“Do you want me to go?” Blunt. To the point. My favorite style of awkward communication. Wish it could always be this straightforward.

“Well if you feel like going, then go,” Levi expertly dodged.

“Levi, I need you to be straight with me,” I said in the best Captain’s Voice I could manage. I have better ones, sure, but it was hard to concentrate with the way his hand was sliding down my chest and stomach. 

“Are you sure you want me to be straight with you?” Levi’s fingers were toying with the waistband of my boxers and I swallowed hard, trying to be composed. 

“Okay poor choice of words.” 

By now he was kissing my neck and my higher brain functions were starting to fail. Levi smirked against my skin and moved his mouth up to my jaw. I managed to stay strong for about five seconds before I gave in and pulled him up to my mouth. Levi immediately responded, opening his mouth and letting our tongues slid against each other while my hands settled on his hips. Levi made a little frustrated noise and reached down to grab my hands and move them to his ass.

Which is 100% where they belong at all times.

My hands kneaded into his ass and that must have been a good move because Levi pushed harder against my mouth and moved a hand down between us to rub against my dick through my boxers. Surprise! I was half hard already. It had been a long and celibate week, okay? It was fine though because Levi only gave me about ten seconds to feel self conscious before he fucking _moaned_ into my mouth. I pulled him closer, his hand moving up to my chest as I ground our crotches together and holy fuck it felt amazing. I just wanted to pull even more sounds out of him but he pulled away to look me in the eyes, his pupils blown wide and his cheeks flushed, as he asked an important question.

“You’ve never done this before, have you?”

“Uh, not with another guy, no,” I answered honestly but hesitantly. It’s not that I didn’t want to have sex with him because trust me, that was definitely not the case, I just wasn’t really sure how this whole thing was going to go down. It’s not like I really thought past my own wet dreams, but if I say that to him then there’s a solid chance that he’ll stop and I _really_ don’t want him to stop. Fortunately Levi seemed to know without me having to say anything.

“How do you feel about handjobs?” 

“I feel very good about handjobs. So, so good about handjobs.” I replied, probably a little too quickly, but he didn’t seem to care. Instead he just leaned in to kiss me again and I decided that nothing ventured, nothing gained. My dad used to say that a lot when I was a kid.

Anyway.

I rolled my hips, keeping up a semi steady rhythm, friction feeling so good but the gasps coming out of Levi’s mouth were even better. The main mission was definitely “Get Off With Levi” but the side mission was definitely “Make Levi Make As Many Sex Sounds As Possible.” His hands slid into my boxers, stroked me once or twice while I gathered my courage to move one of my hands from his incredible ass and… chicken out before I could get to his underwear. Instead I slipped my hand under his shirt, blunt nails skimming over his chest and nipple. Levi’s breath caught and he quickly pushed down my boxers before doing the same to his underwear while I looked somewhere over his shoulder.

“Eren, you don’t have to touch it but you at least have to look at it.” I always forget that even though he’s never in class Levi is still too smart for me. It’s not fair.

I took a breath in, not sure why, it’s not like I’ve never seen a penis before, and looked down to find Levi. With an erection. To be honest it was a lot less climactic than I thought it was going to be, but a dick is a dick. Levi’s was a little smaller all around then mine but otherwise it was basically the same.

“It’s the same,” I said relieved. 

For a second Levi looked like he was going to explode but instead he just burst out laughing. Like real people laughing. None of that smirking or chuckling shit. I wanted to savour the moment. I _should_ have savoured the moment. But dammit I am seventeen years old and I fucking needed to get off. I managed to push up his shirt while he was trying to get it together and then after a second I ran my tongue over his nipple. That shut him up nice and quick. Well sort of.

He let out the loudest moan of the day and instantly slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide. 

“Is anyone else home?” I asked, suddenly more than a little terrified. 

When he shook his head and my heartrate dropped down to normal levels I managed to give him one of my sneakiest grins as I said, “Then make as many noises as you want, baby.”

“Don’t call me th-” He was cut off as I paid some more attention to his nipples and the next thing I knew he pushed me back down onto the mattress and took both of our dicks into his hand, smearing the precum around to make it slick. Levi set a fast pace and I was pretty sure that neither of us would last. Fine with me. It felt absolutely fantastic, holy shit. There’s just something about someone else’s hand that makes handjobs so much better. 

I could barely think as I got closer and closer to the edge but I had enough brain power left to lean up and press my lips to his collarbones, leaving bites and kisses along its ridge before I came with a groan. A couple more strokes and Levi stopped moving above me as he orgasmed.

Ah, I was supposed to be avoiding those. Whoops.

A couple of minutes and one cum stained shirt later, Levi was laying on my chest again, just enjoying the post sex bliss when I said, “So I think I want to go to that competition. Okay?”

He heaved a sigh and pressed in a little closer, shutting his eyes as he muttered, “Yeah, okay fine. You can come.” 

“Kind of already did,” I said with a smirk. He thumped me on the chest. 

Yeah, I could definitely get used to mornings with Levi.

~~~

That night I decided to man up and talk to my sister. I knocked on Mikasa’s door after an uncomfortably silent dinner and waited, shifting my weight from one one foot to the other. Mika opened up after a minute or so and once she saw it was me and not mom she stepped back to let me in. So far, so good.

See, I had a plan. Sort of. 

Step 1: Get in.

Step 2: Start talking.

Step 3: Keep talking until she starts talking.

Step 4: Hug it out.

A plan just vague enough to actually work!

I stepped inside Mika’s room and she went to sit on her bed, looking up at me and giving me a clear invitation to start Step 1. I took a deep breath and dove right in.

“Mikasa, what I didn’t know how to tell you before was that I’ve been making out with Levi.” 

Whatever she had been expecting me to say, that definitely wasn’t it. Mika’s eyes grew huge and her mouth dropped a little and just hung open. It was a face I’d seen a lot when we were younger and she was still getting used to how weirdly nice my mom can be; it was Mikasa’s completely shocked face. I decided to take it as a sign to keep going.

“It’s kind of like a thing now? I’m not really sure but well, I’d like it to be a thing. So I guess I’m like gay now? Is that how this works? I mean, I still like girls. Like _really_ like girls. But I guess I like guys too? Do you think I have to pick one? It doesn’t seem fair to like both...” I was rambling and I knew it but she was still just sitting there, mouth open and I didn’t know what else to do. 

Finally I ran out of words and just stood there, Mikasa’s perfectly clean room feeling like foreign in a way that it never has, like the organized desk and bookshelves were glaring at me as I waited for Mika to say something. 

When she finally did it was so quiet that I nearly missed it.

“Bisexual.” 

I held a hand behind my ear, kind of confused, kind of deaf, so she cleared her throat and and spoke in a louder voice, “Liking both guys and girls, that’s called bisexual. You don’t have to pick.”

“Oh, okay good,” I said nodding, “So uh, are you mad at me for it?” I tried to be careful about it but I’ve never really been a tactful person anyway. Besides, she was seriously pissed yesterday and the day before; I can’t really think of any other reason she would be mad then just the fact that I was keeping this from her. I was just kind of scared. Sure, Mika and I don’t hang out as much as we used to because we’re both really busy but she’s still my sister, still one of my best friends. What she thinks means a lot to me and if she’s mad at me, everything in my life feels just off, ya know?

“Eren, no I’m not mad at you, especially not for that. That’s… that’s fine. Go for it. I just got confused. It was a misinterpretation, alright? I thought you guys were doing…. other things,” she said awkwardly.

“What kind of other things?”

“Just drop it, okay?”

“What other things, Mika?”

She had the decency to cringe. “Drugs?”

I laughed so hard tears came to my eyes. That’s the second time someone in my family has thought that Levi was going to try to get me into drugs. Okay, yeah, I was the first, but it was still funny as fuck. “Mikasa don’t worry! I’m above the influence. In fact, I’m so above it you could say I’m high,” I said with a grin and she let out a groan and rolled her eyes. Mission success! I’ve got my sister back. 

It felt so good to tell her about Levi. Seriously, this whole honesty thing is amazing. You spend so much time running around, trying to hide your tracks and keep things from people that you start to feel like you’ll never get to be honest again, but that’s so dumb. Every time I start feeling that way something reminds me how great it is to have it all out in the open. Am I ready to go shout it out from the rooftops? Hell no, but telling the people I’m closest to seems like a great way to start getting the truth a little more out there. 

Could have gone a lot longer without Coach knowing, but there isn’t much I can do to change that now.

Hiding stuff just seems to weigh me down. Actually a lot of things weigh me down. I keep thinking that if I just do this one thing more it’ll all stop and let me go, but that’s never really the case, is it? There’s always going to be something else pressing down on me and I can’t rely on talking to people about my secrets to free me every time, but for now it’s a solid place to jump from. Hey, who knows, maybe one day I’ll get to a point where I don’t need anything else to get the pressure to lift. Maybe I’ll be able to shoulder it myself. It’s important to have long term goals but for now I think I can safely say that I’m doing an okay job.

Mikasa and I ended up talking about a couple of different things that night. For starters I told her all about what’s been happening between me and Levi. I started from the very beginning, back when we didn’t like each other, and went all the way up to today’s events. She seemed just as worried as I was about Coach, but unlike me, she seemed to trust Levi’s judgement on the whole thing. Something about how he knows the situation better than I would. 

Mikasa also listened patiently while I talked about Jean and how worried I was about him. She’d been around the morning of the black eye and knew what had happened so it was a lot easier to talk to her about it. No need to hide what really happened and when she promised to help me keep an eye on him, I couldn’t help but smile. She may seem a little distant but Mika is so fucking loyal. Jean and I are some lucky guys to have someone like her in our lives and I told her that. It was nice to get a genuine smile from her.

~~~

The next morning I learned something very important about marching band competitions: they take all fucking day. Erwin had texted me the night before and told me that the band would get there at 10am, but performances didn’t start until 1pm, so I showed up at 1, expecting East Trost to go on, but instead there were a ton of other smaller bands going first. Apparently, they were split up by size, and East had a pretty big band, so they would go towards the end. By the time they came out, it was dark outside and I was left wishing I knew what the hell was going on.

Okay so I want to be completely clear: I don’t know shit about marching bands. When you’re on the football team you never get to see the band perform. You’re too busy getting yelled at and attempting to catch your breath. Halftime is for strategy. Halftime is for coach input. Halftime is not for fun.If I’ve learned anything about marching band shows from sitting here, watching what feels like a million of them, it’s that they’re fun. There’s big brass sounds and fancy drum tricks and huge, colorful flags everywhere, and I think it’s really cool. No idea how it’s scored or what counts as a good show or band, but man it’s fun to watch. it’s even better when you know the people in the band. 

When East Trost made their way onto the field with one drummer, that I’m pretty sure was Levi, tapping out a simple military sounding march, I sat up a little straighter in my seat. The band members came out in a huge rectangle, but as they moved up the field, they began to separate into a pattern. Finally, it was just one guy in a tuxedo standing out in front. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the East Trost Marching Titans!” I guess the band was a crowd favorite because the sounding cheer was louder than any of the ones I’d heard before it. Once the noise died down the announcer continued, “Erwin Smith, is your band ready?”

I recognized the guy in the tux as Erwin just as he did a complicated salute. The announcer guy must have known that it was a cue of some kind because he instantly said, “East Trost you may now take the field in competition!” The crowd cheered again and Erwin turned back to his band. 

There was some kind of a podium set up on the halfline and Erwin climbed it as I scanned the faces of the drummers, trying to find Levi. There were two pretty short players, but I wasn’t sure which one was him, until Erwin started waving his arms- sorry, conducting- and one of the drums beat in time with his arms. The guys behind me were already talking about the band and I tuned into their conversation to try to maybe understand what was going on.

“Right from the get go they’ve got a percussion solo. That’s pretty unusual.” One guy with swoopy brown hair and glasses commented.

“They’ve got one of the best percussion sections in the state,” His spiky haired friend replied.

Swoopy Hair looked surprised. “Really? I knew that they had a solid brass section and everyone at All State last year knows what a talented musician Erwin Smith is but I don’t know anything about their percussion section.”

“Yeah, that’s Levi Ackerman’s band.” Spiky Hair said it like that would explain everything, and apparently it did because Swoopy Hair’s eyes widened and he turned back to the field looking excited.

The rest of the show they made little comments that let me pretend that I knew what was happening. To me, it looked like a marching band moving around on a field and the music was either exciting or soft. That was the extent of my analysis. On the other hand, Swoopy Hair and Spiky Hair talked about all kinds of things: the guard (whatever that was), the step offs, the compositions, the lines, and everything in between. But their favorite topic seemed to be Levi and Erwin.

“There they go again with that perfect on-the-field communication,” Swoopy Hair sighed. He sounded wistful.

“Hey we’ve got that too.” Spiky Hair said it like it was fact and Swoopy Hair sighed again.

“Sure we do,” he agreed easily. “But we’ve known each other since we were kids. It takes a real genius to pull that off with someone he met in high school.”

“You could do it,” Spiky Hair said dismissively before he turned his attention to the trumpets. They talked about nearly every section of the band and I began to remember some of the things Levi had told me about the specific players. According to these guys Hanji’s section had perfect lines, Mike’s group was just about as in tune as it could be, and our drumline was top notch and the captain was on snare, the small drum that hung near the player's waist. With that knowledge in mind, I could pick out Levi and he looked really good, back straight, tapping out complicated rhythms that fit just right with the rise and fall of the music around him. The other drummers were right with him, following Levi’s lead easily. 

Overall it seemed like one of the best shows I’d seen that day; the band ended the show with some popular rock ballad that went right over my head and the crowd erupted into cheers. Even though I barely had any idea of what was going on, I hopped and yelled along with the rest of them, swept in by the emotion of the music and the crowd. I guess that’s what bands are all about, making sure that even if you don’t know the music and you don’t really get the visuals, the emotion is still enough to sweep you off your feet, that the feeling is enough to make the message universal. Kind of like the atmosphere of a football game. The stands are going crazy, people shouting and clapping and a lot of them were actually singing too. The stadium lights made everything feel so high stakes, like it was a championship game or the final countdown in a movie. The feeling was addicting and I really liked it.

What I liked even more was when they got off of the field and a minute later Levi called me and told me to meet the band of the entrance to the parking lot. I made my way through the stands and walked right into the most obnoxious (that means incredibly annoying according to my favorite blond coconut) group of people in the entire world. I swear to fuck I was like a foot taller than all of them but they just kept walking in front of me, laughing and yelling at each other and essentially ignoring the fact that they were completely in my way. When I finally made it out I spotted Levi and as I was about the yell out, a girl pushed her way to the band and shrieked as she jumped on a tall girl next to Levi. The tall girl laughed as she scooped the smaller girl up and twirled her around before kissing her right then and there in front of the entire band. 

I was terrified for them.

The band wasn’t. Apparently, they were used to this kind of behavior as a collective laugh went up from the band and the smaller girl pulled away with a smile. It wasn’t until I got a little closer that she turned and we made eye contact and I recognized her.

It was Krista.

She looked horrified and my brain immediately flashed back to the very beginning of the year. Krista was looking at me in the exact same way that Reiner had back in that locker room, but this time I had a better idea of what to do. I hurried over to her and the tall girl, who was now looking at me like she was going to murder me, and I managed to put a big smile on my face.

“So this is who you’re dating now? That’s great!” I turned towards the other girl with all the cheeriness I could manage and held out my hand for her to shake. “Hey, I’m Eren. Nice to meet you.”

She only narrowed her eyes at me and my grin slipped a bit. Krista looked determined as she grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the band. I caught Levi’s eye for a second and he looked ready to come after us, but i shook my head. If Krista was pulling us away then she probably didn’t want anyone overhearing us. Besides, Krista may be absolutely terrifying but I’ve got a solid foot on her so I figured I could make it out alive.

We stopped when we got around the gate and away from the band, closer to the parking lot. Krista ran a hand through her hair, trying to come up with something to say. I decided to be a good person and say something first.

“Look Krista, it’s fine. I don’t care.”

Her eyes flashed as she looked up at me and I nearly took a step back. I thought I’d seen some scary things before but man, Krista looked like a cornered animal. Suddenly I wasn’t as confident that I could get out ok. 

“What do you mean you don’t care? Of course you care! Everyone in our entire goddamn school would care! I’m not- I didn’t-” Her breath was coming in short gasps and she looked like she was about to cry. I had no idea what to do. I mean I’d probably react the same way if this had happened to me because she’s right. Everyone would care. Our entire fucking school wants to have their noses stuck so far up our asses that they can smell our shit and tell us just how bad it stinks. And that fucking sucks. No one should have to worry about me selling them out. So I said the one thing that would help her.

“I know they would. But I get it. I mean, me too.”

“You too? What does that even mean, Eren?” She was starting to look angry so I tried again.

“I mean I’m here for someone. For, well, for a guy, ok? Like the same way you are.” I mumbled the last bit a little and wasn’t quite brave enough to look at her when I said it but when she didn’t answer right away I chanced a look at her. 

Krista’s mouth was wide open and she looked like she’d just been given the answer to the biggest puzzle in her life. 

I figured now was a good time to ask the question that had been burning in my mind since I saw her kiss the other girl. “So um, if you’ve got tall, dark, and scary over there, why did you keep trying to get me to go out with you?”

“I needed a cover and you always had a crush on me so…” Her voice trailed off and she at least had the decency to look mildly ashamed of herself. That’s a shitty thing to do to someone. To play with their emotions like that. But I get it. 

Things are never as black and white as I want them to be.

Just then Levi called my name from the gate and I looked up at him before I looked back down at Krista. She had a knowing look on her face so I quickly said, “You’re one of two people that know about me, okay? I want to keep it that way.”

She nodded. “Yeah I get it. Though the band kids are pretty cool about it if you ever wanted to tell them. Well, okay not Nile. He’d probably tell the entire world while spouting off Bible quotes that say it’s a sin if Ymir didn’t keep him in check.”

“That’s her name? Ymir? How does she keep a hold on him?” I asked.

Krista had a dreamy look in her eye when she nodded to my first question but the expression dropped from her face as she shrugged. “She’s got something on him but I don’t know what it is.”

I sighed and gave her a little wave, the same one I gave her after our movie date, and turned to go but she reached out and grabbed my wrist before I could get too far away.

“Eren? Thanks,” she said as she gave me the most genuine smile I’d ever seen on her face. I grinned back,

“Of course, Krista.”

With that I turned around to run to Levi only to find that he had already made his way over to me. His cheeks were flushed, and he looked more excited than I ever seen him. Okay that’s not true, he looked pretty excited during sex but that’s a different kind of excited.

“Come with me back to the bus, Eren. I want to grab my phone,” Levi said, motioning towards the parking lot with his hands. We waved goodbye to Krista and headed out, him clearly excited, me a little confused but happy to go along. 

I didn’t really get why he was so excited to get his phone, it’s not like he ever uses it anyway, but once we got onto the bus I realized why he was so pumped. Levi grabbed my arm and pulled me down into one of the bus seats and nearly on top of him. I had about two seconds to catch on before his lips met mine in a bruising kiss and suddenly we were making out on the bus. I decided then and there that I really liked band competitions. 

He was gasping out words in between kisses, telling me how glad he was that I came, how much better he played during the performance knowing I was in the stands watching, and then he said the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard,

“I’ve been thinking about blowing you all day.”

I’ve never been turned on so fast in my entire life, I swear it’d only been a minute or two but I was already half hard. Levi’s hand dropped to my crotch, rubbing me through my pants and I was pushing my lips into his, enjoying everything about this situation, when I noticed Levi go completely still beneath me. 

I pulled back and looked at his face but he eyes were trained on something over my shoulder. Nile Dawk, the guy only kept in check by a lesbian that I’d never talked to, and Erwin Smith, the guy who’s best friend currently had his hand pressed against my crotch were staring at us. 

Ya know, when I said I liked the feeling of telling people, this wasn’t really what I was talking about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huzzah! so here's chapter 9! we're nearing the end of this fic, maybe two or three chapters to go from here.
> 
> 10 points to anyone who guesses who Spiky Hair and Swoopy Hair are based on lol
> 
> thank you guys so much for all of the comments and kudos and bookmarks. it's absolutely incredible that you guys actually like my fic. please please let me know what you think of this chapter. i'm very unsure of this one? idk smut is hard
> 
> anyway come find me on tumblr: [bicyclestandard ](http://bicyclestandard.tumblr.com) and also twitter: [bicycleS_20 ](https://twitter.com/bicycleS_20) i would absolutely love to hear from you


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Every day of my life I'm trying to find a different way to get better" -Ray Lewis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for homophobic slurs and people :/

Nile and Erwin stood in the aisle of the bus, staring at me on top of Levi in shock but after a second Erwin seemed to snap out of it. He began to understand that Nile looked like he was getting ready to explode. His eyes flew from Nile’s face to Levi’s hand on my crotch and back at least four times before Levi caught on and moved his hand.

The movement brought Nile back and his eyes grew wide as he exclaimed, “I thought you came back to get your phone but you were planning this? Some kind of gay porno?”

“Did he actually just say that?” I whispered to Levi. He snorted. Good to know I can still make him laugh even in this kind of a situation. Nile wasn’t put off at all though.

“So you admit it!” I swear he looked like he was ready to fly off the handle at any moment. Fortunately Levi spoke up to reassure him. 

“No, no, my phone is… in his pants?” I want it to be clear that I had faith in him. I was sure that if anybody could get us out of this situation, it was Levi. Clearly, I was wrong. 

Erwin groaned and Nile turned and stalked off the bus. Erwin turned to face us and his shoulders were hunched forward, making him seem a lot older and a lot more tired than I had ever seen him look. It was kind of surprising that he would take Nile’s reaction this harshly. I mean, sure it was definitely not a good thing that Nile knew about me and Levi but the kid’s basically a no-name in school. The band kids know him, but I think they’re the only ones. Hell, I only knew his name because I went to elementary school with him. I didn’t really think he could do any real damage.

“I’ll go try to talk to him,” Erwin said though he didn’t seem very hopeful. 

Levi nodded from where he was still underneath me and Erwin turned and got off the bus.

I looked back at Levi and was about to make a joke about the whole situation, but the expression on his face made me pause. He seemed nervous.

“Levi, it’s going to be fine,” I said in my most reassuring tone.

His eyes snapped up to my face and his eyebrows pulled together in a scowl. “Are you serious right now? He’s going to tell people about us. Is that how you imagined coming out?”

“ I mean, not really,” I said, surprised by the anger in his tone, “but it’s not that big a deal if the band knows, right?” I didn’t want to add that it wouldn’t get back to most of the school anyway because the band kids are widely regarded as Weird. That would probably offend the absolutely beautiful band kid that happened to have great access to my balls right now. Speaking of which…

I leaned down to press my mouth against his and even though I could tell that he was definitely still not happy about what had just happened. After a minute or two, Levi relaxed into the kiss and reached up to grab my shirt and pull me closer. I only needed one hand to keep myself from falling over so I let the other one ghost over his nipples just to feel him gasp into my mouth. 

I was seriously hoping we could get back to whatever was happening before Nile had burst onto the scene but just then Erwin thumped up the steps to the bus and said,

“You guys!” Levi and I broke apart again and I sighed. So much for that blow job Levi had been talking about.

Erwin was giving us a reproachful look as he said, “The captain’s are heading out to the field in a couple of minutes. That includes the drumline captain, Levi.”

Levi sighed and let go of my shirt, slumping down into the bus seat. “Yeah, okay Captain Eyebrows, I’ll be right there.”

Erwin raised his, admittedly pretty thick, eyebrows, “I would have thought you’d be more careful. You know how Nile is; he’s not going to forget what happened just because you’re ignoring it.”

“I know,” Levi was staring straight up at the roof of the bus, looking more tired than I’d ever seen him. I pushed myself up and off of him, sitting down in the seat in a more normal position. Erwin gave us a satisfied nod and walked off the bus. Levi didn’t move, just laid on the bus seat, one arm dangling off the seat and the other over his stomach. I pulled his legs up into my lap and gave him a moment to finish whatever thought was going through his brain before I said,

“It’s going to be okay, Levi. I promise.”

His eyes came to mine then and for a second he looked like he was going to get angry, yell at me for being stupid and wrong, but then his expression softened and he sat up, legs still in my lap. His face was close to mine and he only had to lean in a couple of inches to peck my cheek with his lips. I turned my head a little to face him and caught the tail end of his sweet little smile. It gets me every single time. 

Don’t get me wrong, I like his scowl and his you’re-not-worth-my-time face too, but there’s something special about that smile. It feels like it’s just for me.

I was tempted to just push him back into the bus seat and kiss him soft and slow, remind him that I was here and that everything would be fine, but Levi swung his legs off my lap and stood up. He looked down at me and I stood up behind him and followed his absolutely beautiful ass off the bus. Levi straightened out his uniform once we were outside and then turned to me, 

“How do I look?”

I looked him up and down and gave him my absolute best leering face and a thumbs up. He smirked back at me and we made our way back to the rest of the band.

The rest of the competition was much less exciting. The awards were cool, I guess. I was a little distracted by the fact that Levi had been thinking about giving me a blow job. Like he had been literally thinking about it. What a wonderful world.

On the field members from each of the bands went up to collect their awards and do a fancy little salute thing. It was good. Very nice. You know what else is very nice? Levi’s lips. Levi’s lips on my dick. Very very nice. 

Okay, I’m done.

Anyway, the rest of the competition seemed like it was dragging on as I waited to get to see Levi again. I was hoping he would let me drive him home. The explorer has a pretty big back seat. 

Okay, okay, I swear I’m back on track.

From what I could tell Eat Trost did pretty good. They picked up most of the first place trophies and at the very end they got some Best Band award or something. To be honest, I was barely paying attention. The award ceremony was so fucking long. They didn’t even get to the bigger bands like Trost until the very end of each category and eventually, I just zoned out. I figured I could just ask Levi about it when they got off the field. 

It was close to 9pm when they finally finished up and marched off of the field, and by then I was so ready to go home. Band competitions are cool, I guess, but I had no idea what was being judged or how the scores worked and then the bus… there were other things I’d rather be doing, you know? 

Finally Levi walked off the field trophy in his hand, a barely there smile on his face. He looked happy, but stressed, and I wondered if the whole Nile thing was bothering him again or if it was something else. I decided to do my best to not be a pain in the ass so I plastered a big, old grin onto my face and slung an arm around his shoulders in the most bro way possible, hoping to get him to cheer up a bit. 

Levi cracked a little smile and agreed to let me drive him home so I figured that was a win.

Then he explained that I’d have to drive back to school and pick him up from there so he could put his drum away and give some kind of a speech or something to the percussion section. The worst part is that I didn’t even consider saying no, just said I’d meet him there and waved before I walked out to where the explorer was parked.

The 20 minute drive back to school was lame. I’m still not allowed to listen to loud music.

But it was all worth it when Levi threw his book bag into my backseat and climbed into the passenger side of the explorer,

“Drive,” he said, and I peeled out of the parking lot before he’d even buckled his seatbelt. 

I didn’t really think about the band competition for the rest of the weekend. Well, I thought about half of what happened on the bus. 1 guess as to which half.

I’m sexually frustrated, okay? Plus, orgasms with Levi are better than orgasms with other people and so much better than orgasms alone. I mean, they’re all pretty good, but, you know. So yeah, I wasn’t really thinking about Nile or the fact that the marching band probably all know that I’m really fucking into a dude. It didn’t seem like a big deal for a few people to know about me and Levi.

The thing is that I was probably right, it wouldn’t be a big deal if a few people knew about the two of us, but Monday morning, my first day back at school since my concussion, something felt wrong. Most things were normal, I still woke up just in time, still picked up Armin and got to school just in time to park on my median and make it to class just before the bell rang, but the moment I sat down in 1st period, I knew something was off. I could tell people were looking at me, not that big of a surprise considering it was my first day back after being essentially carried off the field, but they weren’t looking at me in a good way. Halfway through class I got a text from Jean asking if I was okay. I figured he was asking about my concussion or maybe the fact that I wasn’t sleeping through first period. I didn’t think there was anything weird about it, but with the way everyone was acting I felt like there was something going on that I didn’t know about.

I didn’t find out what everyone’s problem was until lunch.

It took fucking Dennis Eibringer coming up to me and calling me a fag for me to get what had been going on all day. Apparently, Nile knew more people than I thought he did.

One second I’m walking over to Connie, Reiner, and Jean, and the next second Reiner is holding me back from straight up socking the douchebag. Like what the fuck, dude? Dennis is one of the goddamn wrestlers for fuck’s sake! No one cares about the wrestlers! I was completely ready to take Dennis on, but Reiner is a big guy and I’ve been stuck in bed for the last week or so.

Turns out I didn’t even have to punch him myself. Before I could break out of Reiner’s death grip, Jean surged forward and landed one right on Dennis’s jaw. Dennis got knocked back a few feet, but he managed to stay standing and with that it was an honest-to-god fight.

Now I want to make it clear that as a general rule, football players avoid getting in fights at school. You get suspended and you’ve let down not just your parents, but the team, the whole school even, just because you couldn’t control yourself. It’s shit so we try to avoid it. But I have never seen Jean as angry as he was right then. Maybe it was because of all of the stuff with his dad, maybe not, but Jean went to town on the guy. Dennis didn’t stand a chance; he’s lucky the teachers showed up when they did. Jean only got in four or five good swings before Reiner and I saw Coach and another teacher running our way. We moved at the same time, Reiner letting me go and the both of us grabbing onto Jean to pull him back, but it was already too late. The teachers had seen what had happened and who was involved.

Reiner and I were escorted along with Jean and Dennis to the principal’s office and told to wait while Jean and Dennis got reamed out. I could hear the shouting from my seat in the front office and Reiner winced every time the word “suspension” came up. It was around then when I realized that since I couldn’t play this Friday, the team was fucked if Jean got suspended and missed the game too.

A little ball formed in my gut as I started to understand that if Jean got suspended, it was essentially my fault. People already knew about me and Levi, if I got Jean suspended, my life was over. I’d lose my friends, whichever of them decided to stay my friend after they found out about the whole “gay” thing, and any semblance of a team that I thought I had. 

I’d never wanted to cry more than I did in that moment.

I think Reiner could tell. He reached over and put a hand on my shoulder, but before he could say anything, the door to the office opened and in walked Father Kirstein. He looked down at me and I immediately knew that he’d heard the rumors about me and Levi. He face scrunched up and his eyes looked like they were going to bulge out of his head while his face and neck turned red.

I’ve known Jean and his parents since I was a kid. They’ve been like a second set of parents to me; I was always welcome in their house, at their dinner table, anytime. Jean and I have been best friends for years and we’ve gotten into so much trouble it’s ridiculous, but I have never seen Father Kirstein wear that face before. He strode over to me and I stood up to meet him, unsure of what was about to happen. I mean, I knew he was homophobic, but he’s told me over and over that I’m like a second son to him. I guess I was hoping that wasn’t as angry as he looked.

I was wrong to hope.

“What on God’s green earth is wrong with you?” he snarled, moving up and into my personal space. I tried to take a step back and the back of my knees hit the chair behind me.

“My son is in the principal’s office. My son might get suspended or expelled. _My son is the one paying for your disgusting sins._ How is that fair? Tell me Eren, did you think about anyone else when you decided to give in to your sickening temptations?” He paused there, maybe to give me a chance to explain myself? Maybe to apologize? I don’t know, but I was frozen, unable to say anything.

“No, of course you didn’t think of anyone else, but tell me son, did you think about yourself at all? Your soul has been tainted and for what? Why would you choose to follow that kind of a path, Eren? I always that you were a good boy, a good friend to Jean, but look at what you’ve done to him!” 

I was stuck between him and the chair and everyone in the office was staring but Father Kirstein wasn’t done. My brain had completely shut down. He was right. I had been ruining things for Jean all year. Senior year was supposed to be our year.

“You’ve ruined his private record, and you’ve ruined his future! First you run off and get in a fight with your co-captain, then you manage to get a full on concussion, and now you’re going to get him suspended! There goes any chance of a football scholarship, so thank you, thank you so much, Eren. You and your horrible choices have ruined my-”

“Oh my god, can you just stop? It’s not his fault I punched that homophobic asshole.” Jean shut the office door behind him and turned to face his father. He looked oddly strong, his black eye almost gone, replaced by a steely glint in his eyes. I’d only ever seen Jean disagree with his father once and we were eight, so I don’t think it really counted. I mean, I knew he and his father had been fighting recently, but I always thought it was a less, I don’t know, dynamic maybe, fight. This was a solid battle. Jean wasn’t going to back down and his father seemed to realize it.

He opened his mouth to reply and then after looking around and noticing that they had an audience, he closed it again, not wanting to make a scene. The office ladies are like high schoolers themselves. Any hope of the rest of the town not knowing about me had been thrown out the window as soon as Father Kirstein stomped into the room. If Father Kirstein and Jean got into it here, the news would be all over town: the pastor and his son were fighting in the front office of East Trost High School. If Jean brought up all of their fights over the past month too… well, people might begin to question how Jean got his black eye.

I love and hate how small our town is.

So Father Kirstein backed down.

“Watch the cussing, Jean,” was all he said before he brushed past us and into the principal’s office. I watched him go, a small frown on my face, but Jean slung his arm around my shoulders and steered me out of the front office and into the hall.

I made sure no one was around before I turned to Jean and said, “You didn’t have to do that, you know. Now he’s just going to battle it out with you when you get home.”

Jean shrugged, “Yeah I know I didn’t have to, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

I have the best friend in the entire world.

The rest of the school wasn’t as cool as Jean though. I could hear the whispers in the hallways, could feel people’s eyes following me, boring into my back while I was walking to class. I’m used to being talked about. Sure, normally it’s more positive than this, but the point is that I’ve had a lot of practice when it comes to ignoring people talking about me. You can’t focus on them or you’ll just go crazy.

That’s what I kept telling myself anyway.

It doesn’t matter how often people talk about you. You never are going to be prepared for the staring and the shitty names people whisper behind your back. It absolutely sucks. During third period I could literally hear an entire conversation that two girls somewhere behind me were having about me. Apparently, nobody would have guessed that I was a fag, but this girl, this one girl that I’ve never talked to in my entire life, called it way before Nile told anyone. Cool, great, thanks chick. Glad to know you’re so far ahead of the game.

The worst part was that it wasn’t just these two girls sitting somewhere behind me that were talking about me. It was almost everyone. Whenever the teacher let us free to work on stuff on our own I could hear the conversations around me shift. It made me feel sick.

Eventually I got up to go the bathroom just to get out of that fucking classroom. The hallways were empty and I went into the boy’s bathroom to try to breathe for a minute, enjoying the silence around me while I could.

I splashed some cold water on my face and drew in a shaky breath. I could feel my hands begin to shake and breathing was becoming harder and harder, but I couldn’t let them win. I couldn’t let them get to me. I wasn’t even two months into this year. I couldn’t let them get to me! 

I started whispering it to myself under my breath as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was hoping that if I said it enough times it would become true, when Levi walked into the bathroom and saw me basically failing to keep my shit together. He came over to me and put his hands on my cheeks, turning my face towards him as he said,

“Eren, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. We’ll just tell them I forced you into it or something. We can fix this. It’s going to be okay.” He was speaking in hushed and calming tones, trying to calm me down and at first it was working. 

My breathing slowed down and my hands stopped shaking, but when what he was saying registered in my brain, I pulled away from his hands.

“What are you talking about, Levi?”

“We can tell them that I forced you into it. Blackmail or something. I’ll stop coming around and everything will go back to normal. It’s going to be okay, Eren.” He was still talking to me in this soft tone, like I was a scared puppy. More importantly he was still talking about taking the blame for all of this shit like it was something that was a problem. 

Sure, I didn’t want the whole school to know but if I had to choose between that or never getting to see Levi again… well I’m leaving this shitty ass town after this year anyway.

“Levi, that’s fucking stupid.” I couldn’t believe that he would even suggest it (okay, I kind of could, he’s a lot more selfless than people give him credit for) but that didn’t mean I would just go right along with it. 

I took a breath and rolled my shoulders before tilting Levi’s face up and kissing him. I’d meant it to be a slow and gentle “I still want to be with you” kiss but instead it turned into something kind of desperate. Levi’s mouth almost immediately opened up under mine and I slipped my tongue inside to push against his.

The next thing I knew Levi was backing up but pulling me along with him until his back hit the wall and I was pushing up against him. His arms came up to lock behind my neck and I had a distinct idea of what he was hopefully trying to do.

See the thing is, I’m about six feet tall, that’s like a lot of centimeters, and Levi, well he’s not that tall so when we’re kissing while standing up, I’m bent nearly in half. It’s not exactly comfortable. Worth it, 100% but yeah, not great for my back. So when Levi hopped up and his legs circled my waist, I held onto his thighs, using the wall as support so we could make out in relative comfort.

I can’t really imagine ever wanting to give this up. Levi’s hands moving through my hair, his chest pressed against mine, every time I’m with him even when there’s all kinds of outside shit going on, I want to stay with him forever.

I pulled away to catch my breath, leaning my forehead against his and continuing to hold him up against the wall. His breathing was as ragged as mine when he rasped out,

“So you… still want to do this?”

“Hell yes I do.”

I wish we could have stayed in that bathroom for the rest of the day, just making out and not giving a fuck about the rest of the school, but eventually I knew that class would end and everyone would start pouring into the halls. Levi walked with me for the minute that it took to get back to my classroom and I couldn’t help but feel a lot better than before. 

Breaking news: making out in the bathroom found to be a serious funk lifter. Alert the press!

Seriously though, he helped so much. I still had to face the team at practice this afternoon and I honestly don’t think I’d have been able to do it if Levi hadn’t taken the time to come find me. He’s more than I’ll ever be able to deserve.

\--

That afternoon, when the last bell rang and everyone made their way to the parking lot to go home, I grabbed my gym bag from the explorer and walked off towards the locker room. I can’t participate in full practices, but I’m allowed to jog and throw which means I have to be at practice. No matter what happen to be going on in my screwed up personal life, I have to be there for the team even if they aren’t there for me.

Father Kirstein may be slightly insane, but the fact of the matter is that I made a lot of mistakes with the team this year and one of them was definitely letting my personal life interfere with the game. That’s unacceptable. I know that my teammates will know about me and Levi and I know that they probably won’t be okay with it. I live in Texas; I saw this coming from the very beginning. 

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t break my heart a little. 

They’re my teammates, my family, and even if they hate me, I’m not going to let them down again. I’ll keep being the best quarterback this school has ever seen and maybe that’ll be enough for them to forgive me. For lying to them? For being gay? I’m not really 100% sure as I arrived at the locker room doors. I’d kind of taken my time getting here, secretly hoping most of them will have already changed and are gone. Jean would back me up probably, but I still highly doubt I could take on the whole team if they’re even angrier than I thought.

Just as I was about the round the corner leading to the locker room doors, I heard Reiner’s growl of a voice and stopped. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? He’s your teammate, he’s your captain!”

“He’s likes dudes Reiner! We’ve been changing in the same room as him! What if he’s been looking at us the whole time?” That was definitely Marlowe. I’ve known him since third grade. Last year I stayed after practice every Monday and Wednesday to help him with his catches.

“Trust me, you’re nothing to look at,” Reiner snapped back.

“That’s the thing! Maybe I’m his type! Or one of the other guys! Reiner, it’s gr-”

“Just stop. Look kid, you’re either with the team or you’re on your own. Out of the whole team it’s just you and your three goons that are being like this.”

“You can’t have a gay quarterback!” Marlowe was having a hard time keeping his voice low.

“He’s the best damn quarterback you’ll ever play with and you know it,” Reiner said quietly.

“I just- look, I’m sorry Reiner, but I can’t be here for this. I’ll still come to practice and everything, I just, I gotta go.” I heard a sigh and the sound of sneakers walking away but I still waited a few minutes to make sure they were actually gone. 

To be honest, four people is way less then I was expecting.

To be honest, it still hurts like hell. Four of my teammates, guys I considered to be brothers, can’t tolerate me being gay. I’m sure that most of the other guys are just going to ignore it, pretend it’s not a real thing, and that’s shitty, but to have four people straight up say no hurts a whole fucking lot.

I pushed through the doors into the locker room with a knot in the pit of my stomach and came face to face with what honestly looks like most of the team. Well, the team minus four I guess.

For a second no one moved. Then from somewhere towards the middle of the group Reiner called out, “I pissed myself the first time I watched _The Ring._ ” 

I had to muffle a laugh. I know I should have been a little bit more worried about life and love and friendship now that I’m Out or whatever but I couldn’t help it; Reiner knows I think that kind of shit is hilarious! Plus I could just picture him flipping shit when it happened. I had just gotten myself back together when from the left Connie, standing on top of one of the locker room benches, proudly said,

“Once Sasha literally stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to go buy her some French fries. I didn’t even question it, just pulled out, threw on some pants, and drove out to McDonald’s.” More people laughed this time and it felt like all of the tense air in the room was starting to go away. I wasn’t really sure what the guys were trying to get at, but it was like they were trying to make me feel better and I really fucking appreciate it.

Fritz told everyone about the time he crashed his car into a closed gate. It was broad daylight and the idiot crashed his brand new jeep into the school gate, which in case you were wondering is painted bright yellow. I’d always wondered why it was slightly bent. By that point the room was filled with howling football players. Everyone was ragging on each other but it felt really lighthearted.

Close to me, Thomas, one of our only varsity sophomores, turned to face the room and after taking a deep breath he said, “I’m going to try out for the soccer team.” There was a collective groan from the team, but it couldn’t quite cover up Connie yelling, “Hell yeah!” at the top of his lungs. 

I was grinning so hard it felt like my face was about to split in half. Trust these fucking idiots to be on my side.

Jean and Marco stepped up next to me once the noise died down and each placed a hand on my shoulder and it was like every team sports movie I’d ever seen was coming true. Jean turned to look out over the team and said,

“This team is like a family and what kind of a family would we be if we didn’t know everything about our teammates?”

“A shit family, that’s what kind,” Marco answered a little awkwardly and I could immediately tell that they’d rehearsed this little speech. I held in my smirk and tried to enjoy it for all it was worth.

Jean turned back to me, “We wanted to tell you something about ourselves that we’ve kept secret. Everyone’s got something they keep under the rug and it sucks that yours got pulled out without you wanting it to.” I held in my ‘pulled out’ joke.

“But, we want you to know that it doesn’t change anything,” Marco picked up. “You’re still our quarterback, still our big brother, still our captain.”

“You’re going to take us through States!” Connie called out from the back, knocking Jean and Marco out of their little routine. The whole team cheered and Reiner just stood in the middle of it all, a head above most of them, grinning at me a little sadly. I wondered how people would have reacted it if was Reiner coming out instead of me. I think the team would be the same. Well, I sure hope so.

But they’ve got him to help lead them. If roles were reversed, it would be me leading the team and Reiner standing in the doorway. I wonder if I could do what he did. I wonder if I could be that amazing guy willing to help his friends even if it could cost him everything.

The rest of the school is an even bigger mystery. Reiner's pretty well liked. Who knows, maybe they’d be nicer, but maybe they’d be even worse. I didn’t even want to think about that and I could tell that Reiner was on the same page. I hoped that him and that guy were doing okay, being more careful than me and Levi.

The noise died back down and I was brought back to Jean who was clearly about to spout some absolutely top tier sappy shit, so I figured it was time for me to step up. I cleared my throat and the sound in the room died. I could feel everyone looking at me and it felt just like a football game. I felt the adrenaline flow through my veins and when I spoke my voice was steady as it rang through the locker room.

“I know this isn’t really something you ever thought you’d have to deal with. Hell, I didn’t even know… that I liked guys, until a little while ago.” There were a lot of eyes on me at that moment and I tried hard not to let my thoughts drift back to the conversation I’d overheard before I got to the locker rooms.

“This whole world seems like it’s against me right now and alone I can’t fight it. I’m not strong enough, not big enough, not tough enough, but with you guys I might be able to make it through. I want y’all to know that you guys are the greatest family a guy could ask for. I know the beginning of this year was rough but it’s because of you that we could pull it off and it’s because of you guys that we’ll get through States this year. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure East Trost will go down in the record books because that’s what this is all about. Will we be remembered? How will we be remembered? Thing is, why wouldn’t we fight for the greatest achievement of our high school careers? We’ve got everything we need in each other and in our motto. We will leave our mark.” I paused for a second letting my words sink in and making sure that they all knew what was coming when I yelled,

“Clear eyes! Full hearts!”

The answering “Can’t lose!” could probably have been heard all the way across campus and suddenly I was lost in a swarm of chanting football players, smushed together, fists in the air, filling the air with the motto that’s gotten us through everything we’ve ever had to face and reminded us to go through it as a team. I found myself laughing in the middle of it all, surrounded by my team, when the door to the locker room door opened and Coach walked into the room.

It took everybody a minute or so to realize that Coach had shown up but once it got spread around we all stood silent, waiting to hear what he would say.

“Ya know I came in here because I got out to the field ready for practice to start only to find that I don’t frickin have a team to coach! What the hell are y’all doin in here hootin and hollerin like a bunch a monkeys? We sure as hell are gonna get to States without practice.” He paused there and his eyes zeroed in on me in the middle of the mess of players. “And you, Captain Quarterback, I don’t give two shits who yer doin’, but you keep yer nose outta my fridge in the morning, you hear me?”

He waited for me to catch up and answer him, nodding when I called out, “Yessir, Coach!’ and turning back to the rest of the team.

“Well? Get yer butts out there!” The flurry of movement at his yell was literally a mad scramble as everyone tried to finish getting ready as soon as possible, while still managing to shoot me some kind of impressed look. I guess that’s the ‘Damn he’s fuckin the Coach’s daughter’ look. Hell and back to get that look. Mission accomplished.

The team started to file out of the locker room as more and more people finished getting ready for practice. I found Jean and Reiner waiting for me as I laced up my sneakers, ready to finally be back at practice. I got up and pushed open the locker room door and walked out, my two friends behind me and saw Levi standing off to the side of the door, talking to his uncle. He looked over and saw me, breaking off his conversation with Coach to come over to me. I gave him a big ass grin and as soon as he got close enough, I grabbed the straps of his book bag to pull him in a for a kiss, ignoring the wolf whistles from the guys and only pulling away when Coach yelled at me to ‘quit mackin on my nephew and get yer ass to practice!’

Sure, there are going to be people who don’t like me for being with Levi, people from school, from church, people I’ve known a long time, but for that one moment I felt like none of them mattered. I still had a lot ahead of me. I still had to find a way to explain it to my parents, still had to get through States, still had to finish out my senior year, but I felt like I could actually do it. I looked at my friends, my teammates, all around me, joking and laughing, ready to take on the world with me and I felt pride well up inside of me. They were some amazing guys and I don’t think I could be 100% myself if it wasn’t for them.

But an even bigger part of it was the guy in front of me, honest to God blushing because I’d kissed him in front of his uncle and half of the football team. The guy who still skips class all the time and wears combat boots in August. The guy who couldn’t stand me when we first got put together as lab partners. I should write Brzenska a thank you note. None of this crazy shit would have happened without her.

Seriously though, I’m incredibly lucky. Like he could tell what I was thinking, Levi leaned up and pressed a kiss to my cheek telling me to head out. I ran off to practice, turning and jogging backwards so I could smile at him one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hollllyyyyy shit i finished this thing?? it's a lot(?) of times longer than any of my other pics and it was such a learning experience! sometimes it was really easy to write, sometimes it was incredibly frustrating, but over every thing else, it was so much fun. 
> 
> a massive thank you to everyone who commented, subscribed, left kudos, bookmarked, or bothered me on tumblr. you guys are the light of my life
> 
> another massive thank you goes out to des, without whom i wouldn't have been able to finish this thing.
> 
> so the story ends! but i've got at least 2 one shots in the works set in this universe: one smut and one not smut. v descriptive, i know, so stay tuned :)

**Author's Note:**

> The motto thing, "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose" is from a tv show called Friday Night Lights. A lot of the base things of this work are from there too, like being from Texas and ya know, playing football. It's a great show and you show watch it and not hate me for using their motto. It's a great one.
> 
> also im really sorry if u live in Texas and hate how ive portrayed it. it's just based off what i know/lived through and im sure not all of Texas is this way or that that place even is still. it's been a bit.


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